The Wrong Kind of Sex

I'm sure most of us have had at least one sexual experience that we regret, for whatever reason. Maybe it was a one night stand, maybe it was just bad, maybe it was with somebody you shouldn't have. Either way we have all had those ones we regret, I know I have had my fair share. Sure I can go over the couple of one night stands that left me empty and wondering "why the fuck would I do that?" the next day. However, those are easier to get over than my biggest regret, which I'm going to go into right now.

Let me first give you some perspective. I had been romantically involved with a girl that I had fallen completely in love with. However, this "relationship" started just mere weeks after her relationship with her ex boyfriend of four years had ended. So because of this, and the fact that she had never gotten over him, our relationship had become quite rocky and full of drama. I know my friends and family can attest to this.

So about a year after I met her, she had gotten back with her ex while telling me the whole time that she wasn't and that she wanted to be with me. When I found out she was actually with him, I was furious to say the least. So with the advice of my friends and family, I gave her a "shit or get off the pot" kind of ultimatum and said she had until this day to break it off with him or I was gone from her life forever. Then when this day finally rolled around she told me that she needed more time and needless to say I was heartbroken. I felt worthless because even after giving the girl I love everything, she still rejected me and it wasn't enough. So a couple of friends came over and I proceeded to try and drink all the pain away. Which doesn't ever work by the way. Now the rest of this night is a blur. I remember at one point Ryan telling me to "forget the girl I was pinning over and just get with the girl that was there." This sounds harmless until you learn that the girl who was there was one of her best friends. So in this low point of my life I made a terrible mistake and had "the wrong kind of sex." Looking back I'm not sure why I did it. Maybe it was because of how I was feeling. Maybe it was because of the rejection I felt from the girl I really wanted so I would accept anybody who would have me.

Now the next day I was in a crisis as I didn't know what to do. On one hand I felt awful because I still loved her and it was her friend, on the other I felt like I didn't owe her anything because she was with somebody else. So I asked my mom for advice, and she told me that "sometimes it's better not to hurt somebody to get rid of your own guilt" so I decided to try and forget about it and never tell anybody about it. Hoping that maybe if I had forgotten that it would be like it never happened.

Things only proceeded to get worse. One because she had finally decided to end it with her ex and move forward with me and two because my best friend Ryan, had started dating her friend. Thankfully I had pretty much forgotten about what happened that night. So more time went on and things with the girl were stressful as she still wasn't over her ex, so she had really done some terrible things to me in the process of getting over him. Ryan had broken up with the friend after a few months.

Finally as things started to get better between me and the girl, I find out that she had sex with her ex. I was furious and in rage. I didn't know what to do. Once again after giving her everything she had thrown it all away like it was meaningless. So I was back to where I was before, feeling hopeless and worthless. And one night I was drinking alone, doing the same stupid thing I had done before to deal with my pain, and her friend texted me because she just found out what happened. She asked if I was doing okay and I said no, and she asked if I wanted some company. I said sure. Which was a terrible mistake because once again I had the "wrong kind of sex."

So then the girl finally was showing me she was sorry for everything and we started finally having a healthy relationship. So I didn't want to mess that up with what was a meaningless sexual encounter to me, just like all those other one night stands I had before. But of course as it always does the truth came out. The backlash from my actions has been severe. Both with her and with Ryan who I told just yesterday.

I fully understand why they are so upset. I haven't felt so disgusted with myself in my entire life. I feel like when I think about what happened it was a different person that I can't even relate to. I did something that I never thought I would. My sister, who I am very close to asked me, "why didn't you tell me?" The truth is that I was embarrassed and ashamed. I usually do everything I can to do the right thing whenever possible, especially when it comes to being honest. I don't know how I got so lost with this one, I'm still trying to figure that one out. I am not at all trying to rationalize my actions. What I did was terrible, and even worse I wasn't honest with the two people this effected most. Those two people are two of the most important people in my life and I hurt them both. For that I am sorry, and I hope that one day they can both forgive me.

Ryan, I'm very sorry for not being honest with you when I always talk about being that way. Yes I fucked up on this one and even with all of our stupid issues I will always consider you one of my best friends.

Becca, I'm so sorry for ruining your friendship and hurting you so much, especially since I promised you I would be the person who wouldn't ever hurt you. Hopefully you can give me a chance to prove to you that I won't ever hurt you like this again. I love you so much.

That's pretty much it. Sex isn't something to be taken lightly and your actions have consequences, I hope you can learn from my mistakes.