The One That Got Away (and the Worms Ate into his Brain)

If you're a romantic at heart put your hands in the air! If you've had a major crush on someone put your hands in the air! If you've built that person up way too much in your head that you've become so uncomfortable and insecure around them that you sabotage yourself from any successful or rational relationship with that person put your hands in the air!

Because I'm an expert on overthinking and overthinking to the point that I lose touch with reality, I figured I'd go into the great self-deprecating head trap that is the one-way relationship. To define simply, this is a relationship you have with someone else, except that someone else is completely in your head. The person in your head could be made up, or, more often than not, this person is based on a real live person you know of or even interact with on regular basis. But the main distinction of this one-way relationship is that no matter how real this person in your head seems to you, at the end of the day, they will simply be a figure of your imagination.

This kind of relationship is inevitable and basically essential to all types of relationships in that you simply cannot possibly be interacting with another person for every waking second of the day, so when you both are separate from each other you need an image of this person to occupy your mind and keep in tact everything you know about them. This can be said about really anything you interact with and then maintain an idea of in your head, even your own face, since you (presumably) aren't able to constantly see what you look like.

Maintaining accurate versions of these images and ideas in your head that are as close to their real-life counterparts as possible is essential in not letting the images take over how you think or act with regard to them, especially when it comes to your image of another person (I have a feeling this bridges on a lot of Kant's(?) philosophy of the legitimacy of any "reality" we hold in our head versus the reality we can never see objectively in real life, but that's for another post). However, maintaining an accurate image of another person, an entity so varied and subject to fluctuation, is incredibly hard, so often times the best image is actually one that leaves a little room for unpredictability, as frustrating as that is.

The problem is that once you commit more to the image in your head than the one in reality you lose your hold on reality, as nice and wonderful as this may be. See below from Taxi Driver:



Once you lift up an image of a person beyond all faults and all basic aspects of humanity to the point of divinity, well, you're going to have a hard time coming to terms with the actual real life version of that person, and an even harder time communicating on the same level with them. This sort of holy praise is dictated eloquently through this scene from The 40 Year Old Virgin:



So if you never even make that move toward the real-life version of your fantasy crush, you run the risk of much deeper and darker consequences. To continue the string of references I have going, see below for a quote from Ferris Bueller's Day Off in which Ferris describes Cameron's romantic prospects for the future - for those who don't know, Cameron is Ferris's goofy best friend, worried about all the rules Ferris breaks, who keeps to himself, and is far less socially inclined than Ferris, but a much deeper character than the cannot-possibly-do-harm Ferris.

"Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work."

The alternative to these extremes, and probably a more realistic scenario of the one-way relationship, is the murky and gray mix of the one-way-heavy two-way relationship where any real dialogue and connection you achieve with the person or crush of interest is hampered and even distorted by what's going on in your own head. Lot of jargon for a simple outcome. You're overthinking everything. Talk to her, ask her how she feels, and go from there.

I had this exact situation when I thought I had found the end-all, be-all of girls in high school and went head over heels into my own head trap of a crush on a girl. I spent more time thinking about all the cool things about her than actually talking to her and hanging out with her. When I eventually did go with her to the homecoming dance (what really sparked off the one-way relationship), it set me off, and I had one of the best nights of my life, finally breaking through my shell and connecting with someone who seemed to, oh god don't make me say it, "get me".

That wasn't the problem. The problem was that afterward when I played the usual aftermath games of "when should I call?", "how does she feel about the night, about me?", "what the hell is the next move to make?", I didn't ever really get past those games and into actually taking the next step and trying something, putting myself out there with the chance of failing. Instead, I hesitated and wondered and waited, until eventually it was awkward out of my own nervousness, and whatever connection I had with the real version of the girl evaporated, and all that was left was my distorted and tortured nebulous image in my head of her and me failing repeatedly. If you never get out of that self-fulfilling prophecy you will spiral down and only dig yourself deeper. It took me a long time to let go of my mind's image of her so that all that's left is a faded memory with a lot of room for error and unpredicatability, which is only erased when I actually talk to her. Because in reality, in spite of all my head trips and traps, I don't really know her that well. She's a great girl by all means, but I never actually got to know her; I was too busy letting it all get into my head.

And so I leave you with Beck, a troubled, head-trapped Jim Carrey, and The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:

The Lust of the Soul

I'm sorry I haven't been able to write about anything more interesting this month, but I'm not exactly Don Juan and I have a hard time writing about things that don't feel like they come from myself, if you know what I mean. So with this post I hope to try to summarize my own particular views on this month's topic. Because of the vastness of the topic and my own lack of planning, this post will probably be pretty scatterbrained and stream of consciousness. So bear with me, please. Also, I can't help but display my own particular brand of neuroses, so I do not pretend to write for everyone, but only from what I know from my own experience.

The key thing I want to tackle in this post, and what I've discussed briefly elsewhere, is the dynamic of strength and weakness, of power, that forms the basis of sexual relationships and the sex drive itself in humans. Of course sex feels great (most of the time) physically, but I want to tackle some of the deeper psychological insecurities and needs that come along with this unrelenting push to copulate before death. This sounds a bit cliched (and out-of-date) to say, but from what I've seen, sex and (fear of) death are the two strongest drives in our lives. The urge for creative output is also there, but I do not think it is as strong as these two. And any sense of "love" is mostly brought back to sexuality, or at least familial love, which is rooted in sexual relations. Perhaps there are some other ones I'm missing, and I'd be curious to see what others have to say. Because sex plays such a strong role in our consciousnesses, there are a host of issues that attach themselves to this ineffable need. I can only write about these issues from how I experience them in myself and others, because this is not a detailed study, but I will do my best.

No matter the transcendent nature of love (I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle that one at this point of my life), it must be admitted that a large part of the dynamics of sexual relationships are based on a cat-and-mouse game of strengths and weaknesses, of attractiveness and social skills and non-verbal signals. There is the notion that there is one person out there for us, and that we will one day meet them, but I think this is a romantic fantasy that even the most sappy among us don't really believe in. In a world approaching seven billion people, it seems pretty impossible that there is only one other person for us out there. It is more likely that there are a bunch of people (what size this group is, I do not know) out there who could mesh perfectly well with our own personalities. I feel like there is a sense of competition when it comes to relationships. We always want someone who is better-looking, richer, has a better job, better personality, etc. This is where the insecurity and the dynamics of strength and weakness come into play first. No matter how much we wish to talk about the beauty of our inner natures, sexual attractiveness plays a very large role in everyday life. It starts at a very young age, and if you feel that you were unattractive at a young age, it will affect your life somehow (in a multitude of ways that I cannot begin to summarize here). The same goes if you felt you were attractive. These factors all carry into adulthood. I see sexual attractiveness and competition as the root of so many things in life. Wanting a good job, dressing nicely, working out, having expensive possessions, eating at the right restaurants--the list is endless. There may be other purposes for many of these things, but at their base, I see sexual competition. It's always there, lurking under the surface sometimes, sometimes splashing over the top of the rim.

It is this constant quest to better oneself--to always appear attractive to the opposite (or same) sex--that fuels a large part of our lives. It also creates insecurity and a sense of masking who we truly are. Even when one is not single and is in a relationship, I feel that the dynamics of strength and weakness are present. Men and women are always trying to gain the upper hand, to not have their hearts broken. If on the other hand you are too satisfied and do not try anymore, complacency leads to loss of sexual attraction that can hurt the relationship. You always have to be on your game, and at least in my own relationships there was always a seesaw sense of one person being in power, being strong, while the other one is the needy, the weak one. This probably is not a very healthy view--and I do not view it as the ideal--but I do think that it is fairly common. The weak person always tries to deny their neediness, but it always comes out. The strong person acts disinterested (usually because they actually are disinterested, but I guess sometimes not), exudes confidence with members of the opposite (or same) sex, and very rarely is the footing equal in relationships. Of course that is ideal, but it's an almost impossible tightrope to walk. I can't speak for anyone else, but I have a very hard time in a relationship not longing for things I cannot have. I wonder if this ever goes away. I guess that is the hard part about relationships. You really have to put the work in, and I think ultimately being faithful and loving is a lot of work, but I believe it is worthwhile in the long run, and I look with envy on those who can make it work. Props to you guys.

Now, when you are single, the dynamics of sex are much more visible. I don't have much experience in the dating world, so I'm sure someone who does could write a whole lot more about these things, but I will do my best. What I find interesting (and depressing?) is the idea of people having "leagues" in which they can date. For instance, a lot of guys will say or think (if they are trying to be too confident to say it), "That girl is out of my league." We can only date people within our own sphere of perceived attractiveness. Most girls I know will say, "I don't think any guys are out of my league" or something similar--I've never heard girls phrase this the same way as guys. Do they actually believe this? Does a "plain" girl really think she can get an ideal guy? I'm not sure. They will have to answer this. Maybe woman really do have more confidence in terms of landing a guy, but certainly they fall into equal insecurity and uncertainty when it comes to keeping a guy. As I've stated elsewhere (and many times), the common narrative I see at play is this: guy is attracted to girl; guy goes after girl; guy grows attached to the girl and becomes needy; eventually they sleep together; indefinite amount of time passes (sometimes this is after only one fuck); girl gets increasingly attached to a guy; guy grows disinterested and bored; couple breaks up; sometimes the guy grows desperate for what he's lost and wants her back; girl may or may not go through an extended cycle of getting back together and breaking up with guy. There are many variations to this, of course, and this is highly simplified (oh noez, Edward can't write a blog post expressing all points of view at once!), but I think it's fair to say that men grow attached faster, and with women it takes a certain amount of time to grow attached. I wonder why this is.

But anyways, there is always a sense of wanting to date a person who is "better." If you're a guy, more often than not, this means she is sexually attractive or at least has a personality that you somehow deem attractive. I'm not sure what exactly women look for the most in men...surely it varies. And it does for men of course, too. I'm just trying to say that there is some kind of competition going on (both with ourselves and with others)--we want the best we can get. We also want to be the best we can be to impress those we are going after. I do think this leads to a sense of masking our true feelings a lot. Guys are constantly told that the one thing girls look for in a guy is confidence. So we deny how we really feel to put on an air of confidence. This denial is different for every guy, and some probably fail at this altogether, but I think as a guy there is a strong pressure to be confident. I'm not denying the importance of this, since it's probably good to be confident in all areas of your life, not just romantically, but at the same time, there is this sense of hiding, of denying, what we really are to put on a front to get someone else in bed. Take that as you will. It's all part of the game. And as much as we try to romanticize the idea of love, it really is a big game. I wrote about this earlier on the blog, but I really like Lennon's lyric in the Beatles song "I'm a Loser": "She was a girl in a million, my friend/I should have known she would win in the end," because it has that cynical reality to it that it is a game of winning or losing. I would say I'm a pretty big romantic at heart, but I also have that sense of melancholic longing for a world that doesn't really exist. And that world is a world where none of the insecurities and strengths and weaknesses and fears I discussed above don't actually exist. But they do. And that's life.

What does any of this mean? I guess nothing much really. I just want to point out that what we see in the media, what we boast about to our friends, the mask we put on--that isn't our inner subjective reality. There is a lot of fear there, a lot of doubt, and a lot of...awkwardness? Men obsess over their penis size to a degree I'm sure most would never let onto. Women of course worry about their bodies too. We all worry about our sexual performance. We fear that girls are faking their orgasms, that we are not as good a lover as her ex, that our dicks aren't as big. We worry that our partner is thinking about someone else in bed with us. Even if we don't do all these things all the time, we have some little seeds of this poison in our veins. Few things cause quite the amount of mental expenditure and irrationality as sex and its various facets. The only reason I can think of why that is is that the biological necessity of it creates such a strong impulse inside of us that it overtakes almost all other thoughts (beside basic ones like life or death) in importance. And as much as we all try to act like we are above its basic banalities, I think it's fair to say that most of us are not.

--Edward

How My Loser-Complex Is Preventing Me From Finding Love

*Guest essay by Francisca:

I’m in my mid-twenties, I’m plain, I can be awkward, I’m kind of introverted although in the right circumstances I can be outgoing, I sometimes speak before I think, I’m constantly trying to lose weight although I don’t really need it, I never buy any new clothes since I think everything looks terrible on me, I try to eat healthy but still have slip-ups, I try to maintain a good physique, I’m a natural loner … you follow? So far I sound like the typical slightly insecure young city woman. But there’s more of course.

I recently lost my job, I’m doing terribly at school, I have a very difficult time getting new friends and maintaining the few precious ones I still have, my relationship with my family is not great at all and I have no love life to speak of – like none at all.

Basically I’m failing in every single aspect of life. There is no place where I’m ahead of the game. I feel like a loser. Yeah you’re right… I am a loser.

Now some of you are probably going to tell me how I shouldn’t feel that way and how I’m trapped in a vicious circle, in which I’m self-enhancing this loser- image of myself and so on. But honestly the facts of my life speak volumes. So far I’ve accomplished nothing in my life, nobody is proud of me and nobody cares.

So let’s get this insincere ‘oh-it-can’t-all-be-that-bad’ BS out of the way. I’m not looking for your phony reassurances. Those comments often seem to come from people who are loved-up and happy with their circumstances. In any case I’m not confirming myself as a loser, just to have you people try to dissuade me from that conviction.

One of the consequences of being a loser is that I’m afraid to embark on a love-life, because I have nothing to offer.

If I had been beautiful, it probably would be a lot easier. Then I could at least contribute to the relationship with my amazing looks. But alas, I’m not beautiful. Not witty, not smart(er), not likeable, not cute – just plain, plain, plain. When I meet new people I try to tell as little as possible about me and try to divert the attention to them, out of sheer fear that they may quickly discover how little I have to offer of anything. How bizarrely un-interesting I am. How boring I am. How unworthy I am of their time.

I’ve never been on a date, but I can just imagine how one-sided that performance would be. I would let him do all the talking and find creative ways to not talk about me.

Who am I kidding? I would not go on a date in the first place – if there is anything I know then it’s that as soon as people know how little of value I have to offer, they decide to ditch me. The few friends I still have are around because I somehow convinced them that I’m more than what I really am.

It would kill me to fall in love and know that I have nothing to give. Even worse, that the person who’s the object of my desire will discover what a loser I am and just have that look in his eyes, that attitude, that body language of pity. I wouldn’t be able to stand it.

Therefore the few times I’ve actually taken a liking to someone the solution has so far been to avoid them altogether. Trust me, it’s not their loss at all. Anybody else but me would be much better for these fantastic guys.

I cannot love anybody since I have nothing to give at all. There is nothing I can think of that would be of value to him. I cannot love anybody because I don’t love myself, however clichéd that may sound. I don’t even really like myself, so how can anybody else like me.

I’m such a loser and I know my way out of it, but just seem so incapable of doing it and the doing is everything.

I have no idea where this essay is heading… Guess I wanted to explain how justified feelings of inadequacy can lead to a non existing love-life. I really want to rise above and become less of a loser, but it’s incredibly hard. Don’t get me wrong; I yearn with every fiber of my body to be loved, but it’s impossible when I barely care about myself.

If you have some way of finishing off this blog entry, then please be my guest. Or something.

--Francisca

Sex is to Love as...

Spontaneity is to Courage? Joy is to Contentment? Fire is to Hell? Mystery is to Myth?

I'm not really sure how exactly sex and love are best related, but I think it's safe to say that they are related to each other in deep and tangled ways. I figured I'd bring up the olde sex v love scenario that I heard first through my college Human Sex class (great teacher, really made you think and always wanted to give you a thorough understanding - perhaps sometimes absurdly thorough - the "fuck-saw" in that article could have it's own blog post I'm sure; and his statement on the matter).

The situation (and sorry if you've already heard this, but it seems like prime material for this month):

You are in a deep and intimate relationship with someone that you love.  Everything is going wonderfully with this person and you believe that they could be the one.  But then:

Scenario 1: You come upon your significant other having wild and incredible sex with someone else, doing things that you haven't ever done with your partner, and what's more is that they are expressing joy greater than you've ever seen them experience while having sex with you.

Scenario 2: You come upon your significant other sharing a deeply romantic spot with someone else; not just any spot, but the place where you and your partner have shared your most intimate secrets and dreams.  You listen in and hear your significant other confessing their love with undeniable sincerity for this other person and the other person returning your partner's feelings.  They embrace and kiss deeply.

Which scenario is worse and why?

Of course, there are thousands of variables here that could be changed and altered (such as whether this "someone else" is someone you know or not, and how well if you do know them).  But the point is to assess how seeing your ultimate love have sex with someone else would affect you, how seeing your ultimate love confess their love for someone else would affect you, and how both of these effects compare to each other.

I will grant as a small asterisk that for the second scenario it would be different to witness your significant other confessing their love for someone else versus witnessing them falling in love with someone else over an extended period of time.

Finally, and this may be asking too much for this post (since it already did include the fucksaw), but it may be worthwhile to discuss what ultimately defines "cheating" for you?  Also, is it black and white, or is there a gray scale?  What if it there is not one single "act" of cheating but an attitude or behavior in general?  How does distance and coldness factor in and how often are they related to one partner having feelings for someone else?  All right, too many questions, I know.

I'll have to bring up the good parts of sex and love in my next post.