The Other Side Continued

So read the post below first before this one:

I had a terrible summer- didn't find any girls to hang out with, worked constantly and made tons of money and thought I would buy a motorcycle- not because I thought it would attract girls, but because I liked going fast. Summer ended and I came back to school with the mindset of meeting girls and hopefully getting a new girlfriend. My motorcycle assisted me in meeting a girl at Food Lion. She was pretty and we got to talking in the baby formula aisle and found out we had some classes together.

I got her number and started sitting next to her in class- over a few weeks we began to hang outside of class and it only became a matter of time before she asked me to come over for some drinks. I got a bottle of wine- thinking I really liked this girl- and we drank. I remember killing a bottle of wine, while she drank numerous 4 locos and starting to dance or something. We fell and I instantly started kissing her. Things escalated quickly and at this point I start to black in and out. I remember going into her bedroom and just taking off her clothes- I can tell you I wasn't thinking- didnt have protection (birth control is against the Roman Catholic Catechism- but sex is okay.....) Then I remember bits and pieces of drunken sex with a girl I barely knew, didn't know her sexual history.

I awoke to her spooning me and being all giddy.. I was horrified. I was unprepared to deal with what had happened- and for God's sake I wasn't over Candace yet! Or thats what I told myself. So not wanting to "hit it and quit it" I tried to date this girl. But after a few weeks, the feelings just were not there- even though the sex was. I told myself it was because she texted me constantly, because I wasnt attracted to her, because I wasnt ready- but really this girl was an extremely nice person who probably would have treated me well- whatever the reason I ended it. I ended it but still wanted to have sex- definition of dicking a girl over. She was crushed, she cried to me on the phone and it really did pain me to have this happen, but I also didnt think it was fair for her- which is what all dicks tell themselves. Sometimes she would drunk text me and ask me if she could crash at my place- and I took that as she wanted to have sex- so months after it "ended" we still hooked up. We kept in contact a little, we were cordial to each other- but senior year I felt so bad I asked her to lunch and profusely apologized for what I did- I never wanted someone to feel like I felt after Candace. She cried again and asked my why I did the things I did- and what she did to push me away, it was hard.

Another time, I went to europe with a friend after college and met a Chinese girl who annoyed the crap out of me. BUT I knew that she liked me and that I could "get some" if I wanted. Still I told myself I wasnt over Candace- I wasnt ready to move on and I just wanted to hook-up. Luckily, in Paris- where we met her- I didnt get drunk and was able to reason that this was a bad idea. HOWEVER, we ran into her in some other part of France, and this time alcohol was involved. She was in our hostel room and when everyone went to sleep (after a full night of drinking at the bar) I whispered to her that I was "cold" and wanted to know if I could come down into her bed. After she said yes, I pounced and just started making out- probably an 85% chance it was a drunken sloppy kiss. I kept going further and further with her, but decided I didnt want to have sex- but i mean i was in Europe! I wanted a random hookup with no strings attached and thought I deserved to have that experience. She didn't feel the same way and thought I really liked her and tried to be affectionate with me the next morning and I basically just brushed her aside and left the country. She facebook messaged my friend asking why I was acting like this and did I like her. I was a huge jerk. So after a few weeks passed, I facebook messaged her apologizing and wishing her the best- not like that would fix how she felt.

Anyways, I guess I'm just saying that I've been in a few places where it is easy to look out for #1 and get what you want and get out- but for me it never was ultimately what I wanted. I wanted what I had always wanted. To find someone who cared about me - someone who thought I was special- and even if some people dick you over in the process of finding that person have faith that it will happen and take every dick as a learning experience. haha... Know what you deserve and dont accept anything less.

So i wrote this at two different times so i apologize if it is a little disjointed.