Mr. Tyson: Boxer, Felon... Pigeon Racer?

As we usher in the final days of Sports Month on DiMB, I must apologize to you for a truly underwhelming amount of posts. I know how much you all (really, only Dan) wanted me to write about all kinds of sports and interesting sports related things. I blame TFCHs for winning the super bowl, undermining all my predictions and gambling, and sending me into an anti-sports tailspin. Truthfully, that has nothing to do with it; I’m just a lazy fucktard. But without further ado I’ll get onto another topic.

The entertainment gods have smiled on us once again: Mike Tyson has his very own TV show. The show will air on Animal Planet, debuting a week from Sunday (set your DVRs now). Now you are probably very confused as to why this particular station is airing Iron Mike’s reality TV debut, but I’ll get into that later. First I’d like to look at some of the more interesting professional and personal highlights of ‘The Baddest Man Alive.”

Mike Tyson is easily the most polarizing sports figure that we have ever known, and maybe of all time. He is one of the most prominent and successful heavyweight boxers of all time. He is also a prominent cultural figure with his antics, noticeable lisp and unmistakable appearance. Throughout his career he has been admired, loved, hated, feared, and pitied. Often times all of this at once. He has kept a fan base captive with exciting bouts, record breaking knock outs, historic upsets and disgusting DQs. In his personal life he has been nothing short of pure insanity, pulling his fans along for one of the rockiest roller coasters ever imagined.

Now lets walk through an abridged version of Mike’s Life:

- Born in 1966 in a very impoverished, crime-ridden neighborhood in Brooklyn

-Had first fight sometime between 10-12 years old when a bully kills his pet pigeon (cue Animal Planet)

-By age 13, he accumulated 38 arrests

-Won first 28 professional fights. Twenty-six knock outs, sixteen in first round (including a record 8 seconds)

-Married an actress under the false idea that she was pregnant. Wife later described to Barbara Walters that being married to Mike is “pure hell.” Divorce followed not long after.

-Accumulated all 3 heavy weight title belts, a feat that had never been done before. Lost them in 1990 to 42-1 long-shot Buster Douglas. Tyson’s first career loss (37-1).

-At 25, convicted of rape of an 18-year old beauty queen. Serves 3 years in jail. Converted to Islam. Really.

-Began comeback career. Bit off Evander Hollyfield’s ear.

-Got married again. This one stuck for a full 5 years before being served papers for adulterous activities.

-Announced: "I'm the best ever. I'm the most brutal and vicious, the most ruthless champion there has ever been. No one can stop me. Lennox is a conqueror? No! I'm Alexander! He's no Alexander! I'm the best ever. There’s never been anyone as ruthless as me. I'm Sonny Liston. I'm Jack Dempsey. There's no one like me. I'm from their cloth. There is no one who can match me. My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want his heart! I want to eat his children! Praise be to Allah!"

-Pioneers Face Tattoos for everyone. Thanks, Mike.

-Filed for bankruptcy, despite having earned $30M the previous year, and $300M in his career

-Retired at 50-6 overall. (Realistically 52-4 if you count a few No Contests and ignore the last two injured bouts, which I do.)

-Arrested again. This time on drug charges as he nearly hit a police officer with his car and announced, ‘I’m on drugs and have a cocaine problem.’

-Daughter Exodus, 4, died in an accident. Ten days later Tyson marries his girlfriend. This was not a pre-planned ceremony. He also announced he’s become a vegan at this time.

-Appears in the Hangover, and on the View (because, ya know, he’s the prototypical guest for that show). Lands his own show, “Flying with Tyson.”

Obviously, Iron Mike’s career is a fantastic account of how to be a lunatic, with some fantastic boxing thrown in. In total he’s had eight children (Milan, Morocco, Exodus, Miguel, Mikey, and D’Amato to name a few). He has also received a face tattoo, changed religions in prison, and developed the most frightening trash talking ever known. Only Mike Tyson can follow the tragic event of losing a child with a shotgun wedding. At times he has announced that his life is ‘a total and complete waste.’ He also ‘wants to be humble at all times,’ while considering himself ‘the greatest ever.’ He’s a truly entertaining phenomenon, and his show will be phenomenal as a result.

As I understand it, the show centers on Pigeons, his first love. Apparently growing up in Brooklyn, the pudgy, awkward Mike Tyson loved and cared for pigeons he found along the streets. His life forever changed when a bully killed one of his pigeons, and while seeking revenge for his friend, Mike discovered it was easy for him to knock that kid out. The rest is history. After retiring, he began to raise a whopping total of 350 pigeons at his home, and began racing them. This is where Animal Planet steps in. I have no idea what this show is going to do to fill a full season, or even a full episode. Maybe Mike freaks out at a Pigeon Race and starts punching people and birds alike. Maybe he sits down and has talks with the birds and fully believes them to be responding. Maybe he and his pets do drugs together. I don’t know, have no idea. The only thing that is guaranteed about this show is that I’ll be watching, and I hope you do too.

I will leave you with this bit, posted by Animal Planet about the show:

Despite the boxer's criminal record, Animal Planet realized some people overlooked his past -- and decided his magnetism typecasts him for reality TV. His cameo in the 2009 comedy "The Hangover" only amped up his appeal.

Of course, in pure Tyson fashion, he later admitted to taking the role to fuel a drug habit. He is a cauldron of contradictions. There's kindness and violence. Chaos and calm. Humility and hubris. Pugilism and -- now we learn -- pigeons.

Favorite Music Videos: "Days Go By" and "Praise You"

Since I can't really post about sports casually to save myself (twas another time when sports fed my passion -- I wanna get back to at least playing them) I'm going to fall back on music yet again (ORLY!?).

This video is from the same era as the Christopher Walken dancin' beast video and reminds me of Fatboy Slim quite a bit. It reminds me of the 90s a lot too actually, just for having some sort of attempt to tell a bit of a narrative with a video to a song -- ALSO reminds me of "Praise You" by Fatboy Slim probably more appropriately just because it also takes place on a sidewalk with impromptu dance bits -- I ended up just including it at the bottom, below Days Go By.

I love the guy in this video though, and of course, his dancing. The subtitles, the flashback, and the lip syncing of the guy in the diner all make this stick out my music video memories and 90s memories. God bless it.

Dirty Vegas: "Days Go By"


Fatboy Slim: "Praise You"

Swimming in Tracks: One

A cover my sister tipped me off to. The song's been played forever on the radio, but not by Cash. I'm pretty sure he released this one real late in his life, which gives it even more of a weathered feel than it already had just from switching Bono out for Cash.

Johnny Cash - "One"

Ten Miscellaneous Sports/Games/Activities I'm Fond Of

Bonus: The Giant Parachute
10. Archery
9. Bowling
8. Flag Football
7. Obstacle Course
6. Trampoline
5. Shooting Game
4. Frisbee Golf/Frisbee
3. Prison/Pin Dodgeball
2. Juggling (Soccer)
1. Dunking Game

Explanations to come in revisions and comments. Other suggestions encouraged. So many activities...

Swimming in Favorite Music Video Tracks: "Skeleton Boy"

To combine the categories for a stellar video AND song, I am highlighting the song, "Skeleton Boy", by Friendly Fires. I found this some time last year and was hooked from the first explosion of snow-fetti-whatever-that-stuff-is. The video is artsy (of course!) and reverts to one of the great music video styles: film the band in a single room with shit happening to them. They have only their faces shown as they are wearing black bodysuits against the black background. Slowly the snowfetti starts to build up on them and reinforce the title image. This all speaks for itself, but it's a fun video, and if anything should be pointed out, it's the singer's hilarious and awesome dancing. You think he gives a fuck? Anyway, the video, the song, it's all good old-fashioned fun.

Look at his Freaking Eyebrow

Nicholas Cage via Conan via DiMB

Some of you may say that this didn't warrant a post. I say to you... well I guess I don't really have anything to say.

Super Bowl Preview

Hello again, Everyone. As we usher in Sports Month on DiMB, I think it's only appropriate to start with the biggest event in American sports, the Super Bowl. This year's clash features many great sub-plots and matchups that we will dissect and discuss. You are strongly encouraged to add some of your own opinions about the matters.

Steelers vs. Packers

This game has been referred to as a scalpers dream, and it's a great point. These are two of the most followed teams nationwide, with fantastic traditions. The Steelers have won more Lombardis than anyone else, six. The Packers (henceforth known as the Those Fucking Cheese Heads, TFCH) have the most NFL titles, twelve (3 SBs, and the trophy is only named after their coach). Both teams have fan bases that travel well, and who wouldn't want to leave Wisconsin this time of year, especially with the blizzard. This has the makings for a phenomenal atmosphere in JerryWorld. We might actually have a Super Bowl in which the attendees actually care about the game, very exciting. Add that to the unintentional comedy of fat Cheese Heads dancing to Fergie at half-time, and you have a real winner. All this and we haven't even gotten to the actually football game, which looks like it'll be a pretty exciting bout. Now let's breakdown what might actually happen, looking at the individual matchups and how it'll affect the game:

Matchup 1: Marukice Pouncey's Ankle vs. BJ Raji

The most important question going into this game is the health of the Steelers, most notably their young center. After breaking his ankle two weeks ago in the first quarter against the Jets, news has leaked that Pouncey is off crutches and planning to play. If he does, he'll become the youngest Steeler ever to play in a Super Bowl, at 21 years, 197 days (the second youngest ever, Jamal Lewis). More importantly than that fun trivia is that he is the best Steelers OL, and no one knows just how capable he'll be on that untested ankle. The Steelers OL has been decimated by injuries at other spots as well, and the new group of guys that will be assembled has to block Raji, Matthews and whatever blitzes Capers and TFCHs decide to bring. Although this line played its best game in the AFC championship, this front seven in going to be a much tougher test than the Jets were. As with all new OLines, I imagine that the Steelers will try to run block as it requires less communication than pass blocking. Given the skill of TFCHs rush/blitz work and Roethlisberger's tendency to hold onto the football, he will get hit on passing plays. If the Steelers can limit those hits, they will greatly improve their chance of winning. Consequently, I think that the Steelers will run the ball (added bonus of keeping Rodgers off the field) and if Pouncey or his backup Lundquivst can keep Raji on the line or moving backwards, the Steelers will have success at it, and will win the game.

Matchup 2: Bulaga/Cliffton vs. Harrison/Woodley

Dick LeBeau is nothing short of a genius, and giving him two of the best and most versatile OLBs is nearly unfair. TFCHs have not run the ball well all year, and no one can run the ball on the Steelers. Plus Bulaga, a rookie, has had issues with elite pass rushers this year, giving up TFLs and holding penalties (see Peppers, Julius). This means two things. One, take the great cross sport bet of Lee Westwood's final round Sunday, -14, over Stark's total yards. Two, TFCHs will start throwing all the time. The rushing of Woodley (a playoff monster) and Harrison (an actual monster) will keep TFCH's tackles busy all day, and probably require double teams. If the tackles struggle to keep these two off Aaron Rodgers then more double teams will be directed outside, allowing space for the famous LeBeau inside twist (bringing Farrior and Timmons on an X pattern through the A-gaps), or require blocking help from TEs and backs. As we saw in the horrible NFC title game, the media favorite, Rodgers, is not other-worldly when he is pressured. He is very athletic, and capable of escaping, but he won't be able to outrun the Steeler LBs with consistency, and will begin getting flustered and lose his surgical precision, leading to a Steelers win.

Matchup 3: Steeler pass catchers vs. TFCH Secondary

It is an unfortunate fact that TFCHs have the best secondary in football. The corner combination of Woodson/Williams/Shields is scary good, and the safeties are capable. I believe that against any Steelers formation that includes a third pass catcher, TFCHs will bring on nickelback Shields. This gives them the best matchups, in my opinion, putting Williams on Ward, Woodson on TE Miller or the slot receiver, and Shields on Wallace with safety help over the top. Tramon Williams can and will shut down Hines Ward (over/under for catches at 3.5, take the under for -135, good defenses have shut him down all year). Lining up Woodson on the inside receiver allows him to take away Miller, who went for 118 yards last time these two played (TEs have been a problem for TFCHs all year, Heath is going for good value at +2500 for MVP). The other benefit of an inside set Woodson, is his blitz. He is the best blitzing secondary member in the NFL, and with a porous and banged up Steeler OL, expect to see him coming on the rush a lot (TFCHs blitzed corners 16 times against The Bears). If he has a decent day keeping the slot/TE controlled, and can get to Roethlisberger and actually tackle him, TFCHs can win, and Woodson should, but won't get the MVP.

Matchup 4: Rodgers vs. Roethlisberger, Intangibles

With the current QB driven league we're in, a QB needs to lead. Both these guys seem to have their teams supporting them, not the other way around. Both these guys save inconsistent OLs from sacks with their own styles of play. Both these guys can make the big throws and control drives with the game on the line. This game is gonna be close, and which ever QB makes the plays in the tough spots (3rd and long, 4th quarter) will win the game. Rodgers has been scarily effective, but when he gets into 2nd and 3rd and long, he has been less effective (not bad, but less effective) as the defenses bring more pressure. If the Steelers prevent big 1st down plays, and slow the running game, we'll see a lot of these situations. We watched Rodgers lead TFCHs to only 14 offensive points against a good defense in Chicago, with half of that coming on a freak first drive sequence. The Steelers won't get burned out of the gate like that, and are a better defense overall, not an ideal matchup for Mr. Championship Belt (Polamalu's health will have a lot to say for Aaron's effectiveness and the outcome of this game). To counter Rodgers will probably have a WR slant/screen/hook to the Ike Taylor's side on most plays because he tends to play off the ball more. If this option is open regularly, there will be a lot of 2nd and shorts, and Rodgers can dissect the Steelers with his pass/run dual threat (you could also see a Deion Branch like SB MVP from Driver/Jennings/Jones, but lets face it, if TFCHs win, Rodgers will have had to play well and will be MVP).

On the other side, Roethlisberger is a perfect QB for beating TFCHs. He can manage drives, get the offense going by bouncing out of sacks and working play action to keep the defense honest and run game viable. Working long drives will keep TFCHs off the field, forcing them to pass all the time, a better matchup for the Steelers D (The Lions beat TFCHs in week 13, 7-3 thanks to 17 3rd downs, meaning long drives). He rarely makes mistakes that cost his team games. We saw the Bears put on a classic example of how to not play TFCHs at QB with Cutler's INTs and Collins being fucking incompetent (honestly, who put him in? How was he still 2nd string? Didn't Hanie show he was better in every game the two played this year? AAAAAHHH, but I digress). We also saw how an efficient QB can win against TFCHs (Hanie's 2 TDs and comeback win before he went all Cutler, and threw into the insanely lucky Dom Capers call putting Raji in coverage, the only unlucky break the Bears had all year, what miserable timing. Now I'm in tears, and digressing again, my apologies). It's a safe bet that Big Ben will be more effective than Cutler's wild arm, and give the Steelers a good chance to win. Otherwise, it'd be awesome to see Charlie Batch come in and save the day, Hanie style.

Interesting aside: is there any place other than sports where you can make everyone forget how miserable a human you are? Look at these events, Big Ben rapes TWO girls, Kobe adulters/rapes, Ray Lewis murders, Favre sexts, LT does tons of drugs and gets prostitutes. Easily the worst offenses are Big Ben, Kobe and Ray Lewis, yet they receive the least flack for it because they win (and post POY or MVP seasons). If Favre had his sexting scandal last year, no one would have given a shit. But he sucked this year, so that's all we cared about. LT hasn't played in years, so there was no winning to counteract his crimes. When he was the best pass rusher of all time, no one gave a shit that he did coke before games. Can you imagine if the rest of the world worked this way. 'Well maybe you did rape and kill dozens of children, but you sure write some damn good codes/programs, so who really cares about that other shit?' I'll be honest, this whole thing makes me think the Football Gods might kick Roethlisberger in the balls this game, unless they were appeased by his 4 game suspension and 'new look on life'.

Matchup 5: McCarthy vs. Tomlin

Tomlin wins. No contest. Just better, already has a SB appearance and win, doesn't freak out in close games, simply cooler. Also, there is a correlation between Fit vs. Fat coaches in big games, Fit wins.

What does this all mean?????

I like the Steelers to beat TFCHs 20-17. It's going to be an amazing game. You may begin dissecting my analysis and biased opinions.

PS, Does DiMB wanna comp me to the Super Bowl for live game coverage? Cause I'll do it.

From the Foul Line!

Distance dunks are some of the most underrated dunks out there. The only way they've really gotten much attention is when the dunkers smartly used a clearly visible measurement device to validate the legitimate awesomeness of their dunk, the foul line.

The earliest of such dunkers that I know of was the Doctor himself. Dr. Julius "Julio H." Erving had the talent, the ambition, and most of all, the audacity to walk in from the ABA as an outsider to the NBA and house people around the rim. He gripped the ball as if it were a softball and used his 10 ft wingspan to navigate his way around the airspace, all while maintaining this mug to the likes of, "the fuck you think you're doing?" right before he'd hammer home a one-handed testament to dunking.

Dr. J's foul line dunk starts at 5:00 minutes in. Just pause and wait for it to load or watch the hi-jinks that precede his dunk.

Also:Top 10 Dr. J Dunks

If Dr. J was the Old Testament, Jordan was the New Testament of dunking (and Vince Carter was the return of Jesus!). Anywho, Jordan redefined it all and was brilliant at basically levels, but let's focus in on his foul line dunks.

1985: He put down a strip of white tape on the foul line (not sure exactly what this is for other than to emphasize the already painted foul line beneath the tape). This is one of the farthest back dunks I've seen and even though it doesn't have as much "flair" as the next couple he would do, it is actually from behind the line instead of right on it. Ya see!

1987: It's all in the legs and the one-handed pump on this one. The camera's slow-mo also helps out tremendously. Gorgeous dunk.

1988: This one is even closer to the rim with even more added in to the bent legs and Jordanesque "cup" grip toward the end when he throws it down. Love it, as always.

And now, for five Vince Carter foul line dunks! What can I say the man knows how to dunk.

What are the kids doing now? Here are the moderno free throw line dunkers. Love the one at 2:00 minutes.

And finally, what would this post be without this video?:

February = SPORTS

A topic that has been relatively absent to the great dismay of all those jocks and manly men men (as well as girls who like sports). But sports are easily one of my favorite escapes as they create worlds to lose yourself in, become obsessed with, and pretty much take more seriously than normal serious people stuff.

Given that there's the Super Bowl, the NBA All Star Weekend, some sort of Wintry X-games no doubt, and just the possibility that we may get warmer weather toward the end of the month to go outside and do something, sports might as well be the month's topic. Let's start it out with a classic youtube to get things going...