The End of the World - And Beyond

Victim: Caucasian female, 19 years of age. Location: Main bathroom floor. Cause of Death: Multiple stab wounds. Notes: Signs of a struggle, defensive wounds on the hands of the victim, possible signs of rape.

The year was 1999, and the suburban Chicago town of Saint Charles was rocked by the story of a young woman who was raped and murdered by her mother's boyfriend. There was mourning, and a community outcry over how this could happen in their town, to one of their children. The victim had been a popular girl when in high school, and was on break from University when her life was tragically ended. Many were in shock, and emotions ran high. But, while to most it was an impersonal tragedy, horrifying no doubt, it was different to me. The victim, Caroline, had been my girlfriend of near two years when she died.

It's hard to describe the feeling when I first was told what had happened. It was summer, and I was in a decidedly teenage summer frame of mind. Then the phone call happened. It was Caroline's mother, and she was barely audible. I knew something was wrong right away, but nothing could have prepared me for the news I was about to receive. I remember all the strength in my body leaving me, in a rush, except for the hand holding the phone. I felt like I was outside myself, the shock was so intense that it literally shut me down. I don't know how long I sat on the floor before my mother found me and asked what happened. The very second I heard her voice, it all came rushing in like an avalanche. It was the most intense pain I have ever felt, inside my chest, inside my head. I felt like a flaming boulder had just crushed me, I was helpless and just started to scream. I screamed myself hoarse, and then I just wept silently on the floor.

I couldn't move, I didn't care. My life was over. The woman I loved, my first love, my first lover, was gone and I would never get to hear her laugh, touch her skin, taste her on my lips ever again. It was overwhelming, the sheer finality of it all. There was never going to be a chance to pass her on the street by chance again, never a chance to say goodbye. The weeks that followed are like a dream to me now, barely remembered. I went to her funeral, and even managed to say a few words, although they were short and bitter. I woke up every morning wondering why even bother, feeling there was nothing out there for me. I became more mechanical day by day, emotionless and closed off. I didn't spend time with friends and family who no doubt were growing more and more concerned about me. I just didn't care about anything anymore. I began to spend more and more time thinking about suicide. I was so low, so down in darkness I couldn't see a light anywhere to guide me. I literally hated having to be awake every day and in pain.

Luckily, I never pulled the metaphorical trigger on those thoughts, and instead, found something to guide me. Anger. It may sound like a negative thing, but anger is closely tied to passion, and I found something to move me. My pure, unfiltered hatred for the piece of shit coward who did this to Caroline, and to me. I was not going to let a rapist murdering bastard end my life, too. So, I got angry, and I got motivated to move on, so I could one day see him die in prison. Not the most constructive life plan, but it was the initial kick in the pants I needed to live again. I hit the next school year with a vigor I never had, earning a perfect GPA, getting accepted into Purdue University's Engineering school, and having the best season of my career playing football. I was pissed off and not going to succumb to despair, because I had to live, I had to keep living for Caroline and not let her death end me, too.

Life has not been easy since then, if life ever was easy. I still carry the psychological scars with me from those days, reliving the pain on occasion and knowing the weakness that lurks in the corners of my soul. I still have trouble opening up to new people, and even writing this blog has been the most I've talked about those days to any group of strangers of any size. I guess if I have any advice to offer others, it would be that you can't let pain and tragedy rule your life. Time does heal (but not completely), and the only way things won't get better is if you let it end you. Also, appreciate every minute you have with your loved ones, because life is fleeting and you truly do not know what you have until it's taken from you.