Commentary: Technocratic Psychobabble

Technocratic Psychobabble

-Hunky had been going to night school for, oh, say two, three years, but he'd never seen anyone this bad-ass before.  The Masonic midget-leper gave him a high-five on the way out and flashed his ass crack to the delight of everyone.:
A delirious return to writing after some presumed sort of meditation and regeneration following “Coming Down”, I wonder how long it took for Edward to start kicking it again with his pencil and paper (perhaps not even that long).  You don’t even have to go past “Hunky” to know you’re in for a treat on this stupid joyride of a name.  I love that the narrator takes time to debate how many years he wants to say Hunky’s gone to night school, but not to get it right, just to sort of amuse himself with how each number sounds.  Edward’s secret (not-so-secret) talent was to combine adjectives, personifiers, amplifiers, characterizers, and tenderizers like “Masonic midget-leper” into actual figures to dance ambiguously across his stories, not unlike a certain Dylan (why doesn’t anyone ever ask why Bob Dylan’s songs sound so much like mine?!).  Is it necessary for such a complex sounding character to be in this sort of funky jerk-wad of a name?  Probably not, but then again, sure why not.  What’s awkward and therefore funnier about the image of this class clown in adult school (a great concept in the first place) is that because this guy’s a midget and gives a “high-five” as he walks by Hunky, I would imagine that even though Hunky’s sitting at a desk, the midget still has to jump to complete this act of yeah-I-know-I’m-cool.  The final touch of the butt crack is so good that it even earns the use of bandwagon in “everyone”, because that’s a bandwagon I want to be on (I actually will be going to night school for a photography class in a couple weeks bee tee dubs). (83%)

-Bert struck writer's block at the end of the fourth page in his thirteenth novel.  Four pages too late.:

Who are you, me?  Got enough numbers there Mr. Math Magician?  “Struck”.  And the weird apparent meaning in this (if you don’t get too distracted) is wild enough to earn this a place in my already established kingdom of strange abstract trash that will likely endure the death of everything else because it’s too complex and useless to do anything else, like Styrofoam. (54%)

-The Black Shirts confiscated my house and liberated my wife from sexual slavery.  Buncha cheeseheads.:

One where I’ll forever remember the ending line but never the beginning.  Not to say that the beginning isn’t great, because it’s ridiculous and hilarious. “Confiscated”, “The Black Shirts”. Whadafuck man.  And that it seems at first like the Black Shirts are the bad guys for taking the house until apparently you realize the narrator is sexually enslaving his wife.  Wut.  “Buncha” and “cheeseheads” couldn’t be better partners in that phrase though, regardless of any/everything that may come before it. (73%)

-"Hear me out, Isaiah.  I have a message for you," I said as we hid inside the black temple.  His finger was on the nuclear armageddon button.:

Haha, I like the mind-clearing simplicity of the direction that these names have been going (night school, domestic violence, and world destruction) as a contrast to the relentlessly deep, murky, and deceptive directions of much of Edward’s previous college writing.  This sounds like a sort of calm one might get even after the craziest of circumstances, like whatever it took to obtain a nuclear armageddon button.  “Hear me out” is such a casual phrase, it’s stupid and great.  “Black temple” may be more or less than it means here, best not to stare.  I have a weird feeling this one may get better in time. (64%)

-The old cripple wheeled himself down the grassy hill slowly, taking in every detail as if this day was to be his last, smiling at the rising sun.  Randy shot him in the face and took his wheelchair for a joyride out on Grand Street.:

It’s like I wrote the first sentence and Greg the second.  But it was Edward with the design to merge such things.  “Old cripple” is a priceless character that you can’t lose with, even (or especially) when you use the act of shooting yet another person in the face and proceed to raise the pot even more with “Grand Street”.  I feel like I could buy this name at Wal-Mart and never stop loving it. (78%)

-"Yeah, he had britches all right.  Seven thousand pairs of 'em!"  She stared at me in awe, and I slipped the five into the policeman's pocket.:

You know I’m a sucker for conversation names, and an even bigger one for conversation names with the entirety of the dialogue cut off.  It’s an absurdly simple and great gag (see Lloyd’s joke during the montage in Dumb and Dumber in the ski lodge).  My favorite part here, other than “seven thousand” is that she stares at him in awe as opposed to any other state of mind. (60%)

-The rotten cheese atheist rained on my parade one too many times.:

More cheese, but a great “depressing” name, a type I’m of course quite fond of; also like the definitive nature of the whole thing, not leading one way or another. (65%)

-"Tuesday night we're going over to the coliseum.  Should be fun.  Varsity Blues vs. Picasso's Blue Period.  The bag of Twizzlers is up for grabs!"  Veronica gave me a sneer that showed this wasn't the right time.:

This has stood out in my mind from this list (along with “buncha cheeseheads”) for its extreme and jarring structure.  It seems like another name got written over top of another and then someone just transcribed them together, a form Ryan patented earlier than we ever knew.  But if you say anything about this, you just can’t knock the fucking Blue Period, what a great damn period and concept.  “Should be fun”. (73%)

-The great artist Samuel studied twenty ugly faces and twenty attractive faces for his masterwork.  His mother scolded him for putting her in the ugly set.:

One of the great names that no one remembers enough.  Somehow combining an original conceptual piece with not just childish punchlines, but an endearing underbelly of Samuel being an artist of odd taste and intriguing skill, plus just for the choice of “scolded” is such a nostalgic term in the face of all these cold-growing-colder-world names.  Edward was always about great artists, great art, great history, basically anything that stands the test of time, whereas I tended toward the fleeting, the non-sequitor, and the abstract.  It was a fine balance, and our themes often overlapped, but I’ll be looking for Samuel some years down the road to see how he’s faired against the weathering and aging of all things. (84%)

-Jebediah felt a cold chill when he peeked under the robes of his nine-year old cousin and saw the hard, wrinkly skin of disease.: one for the disturbed audience sitting restlessly out there.  Something about describing the skin in general versus specific anatomy makes this name worlds darker, though I can’t really describe why.  “Hard”.  (“Disease”.) This shit is best kept in the drawers (and pulled out when drunk and looking for shock and/or laugh). (70%)

-I sat quietly on my stool at the Hedonist Club while a horsy looking Oriental woman gave me a lap dance, pondering the validity of the establishment's name until Big Hairy Roger came in with a pair of flamethrowers and we got to killing some Native Americans.: haha, this name is so reckless and careless it’s wonderful.  It returns to the days when writing loose held more weight than writing deep.  Not to say that loose writing can’t be deep or vice versa, but in this name, it’s all about getting your fill and getting the fuck on to the next course.  “Horsy” gives this all the credibility it needs.  I also like that the protagonist is on a stool.  Go figure.  It also feels like something out of Watchmen (the flamethrowers and nonchalant genocide). (67%)

-Frito took his daily trip to the methadone clinic and wondered what the use was anymore.: a whopper.  A too-full-about-to-burst water balloon.  This comes mostly from the sharp drop off of the whole thing after getting used to Edward stringing us a few characters, plot twists, or at least descriptors before closing up shop.  It’s hard not to look past this one’s cold eyes. (75%)

-Ray the carpenter spotted the armies of Vandals and Goths pouring over the hills towards our village.  After he warned everyone and fled to the forests with the women and children, the local defense forced readied the proton torpedoes and launched what few TIE fighters we had.  Everyone was ready to spill Germanic blood.  I could see it in their eyes.: the flow of this name from the distant background right to the face of the narrator makes the trip of this name feverish and surprisingly ambitious.  Obviously a wild take on time periods and fantasies (and a welcome one – “Vandals and Goths”), it starts out in the third person, switches to a collective “we”, and then finishes with the reader staring into his compatriots beside him.  A steady rise to relevance.  “That’s some heavy stuff Doc.” (68%)

-"Oh, yeah, he's a conformist, but he's real good with the bow and arrow."  I agreed with him.  He was a good shot.: stupid, great, and tactful. (62%)

-Osmosis Jones vs. Jones the cat from Alien.who wins?: I knew it was only a matter of time before I arrived at this name.  We (right?) all know of Edward’s feelings towards the Alien series (meaning the first two…), and none of us should really disagree. I love the ending to this though. (58%)

-Francie doll was a Persian's woman-stout, astute, able-bodied, her nipples were pierced.  We spent a few nights up studying the ancient Babylonian texts before she aborted my only child.: fuck, this one just made me laugh out loud.  I completely forgot about this name.  Although it doesn’t really stand out from Edward’s many names in terms of being thick with historically shaded descriptors, casual sex (although now that I look, the only actual reference to sex is the abortion), academia, and fun, jaunt-narratives from a first-person narrative, I just thought the quick “before she aborted my only child” ending was hilarious.  It makes the opening meticulous details into a great diversion for both the narrator and reader before slapping down an event that, in contrast to a pierced-nipple, able-bodied woman up for shagging and deep nights (is “doll” just a nickname?), is stupidly tragic.  “Only” gives the narrator a touch of longing and just makes the flip at the end funnier. “A Persian’s woman”. (86%)

-Gorilla junction*                                                                             *The gates to paradise: granted, I’m coming into this name maybe a year and a half later than when I wrote the rest of the commentary above, this name should not be denied what it is for my Twainian pauses: superbly innovative, while basically needing very little.  I imagine we’d find ourselves staring at this sign, “Gorilla junction”, with all of us starving, sweating, and looking to Gandalf to determine the correct path to continue on.  Meanwhile, in the back of one the quieter one’s heads, they know the very meaning of such a junction and can see it clearly what this junction leads to.  Yet, none of us are likely to ever see it, let alone know its meaning.  But seriously folks, that was a solid innovation of punctuation and construction in name-writing: 71%

-Ronnie had wet nightmares after Janis Joplin came into his room and tried to fuck him: you’re not going to get away from this one.  She found him, and she fucked him.  Poor, poor Ronnie and his “wet” nightmares. Haha. (68%)

-While she was in the shower, Marty McFly rummaged through her underwear drawer, found her rosary beads, and licked them with relish: distinctly absurd.  Details of this name that I wasn’t ever capable of pulling out of my hat, but Edward stumbles upon them like he’s trying to get rid of sweet clues: “rosary beads”, “licked them with relish”.  Marty McFly is the sweet celebrity of this telethon, clearly. (74%)

-Her storytelling fitness regimen was starting to wear me out.  And I had the suspicion some of the other kids were on steroids.: I began to enjoy finding storytelling as our alternate universe in both what we did with names and what we wrote about within the names.  I would’ve wanted this one to deepen or continue further on its track past where it stopped abruptly at. But then again, the narrator was worn out, so better to quit while the steroid-infused bastards were ahead. (58%)

-The half-ton silverback gorilla and I raced across the plain, his sinewy muscles rippling beneath blankets of midnight fur.  My breathing was harsh and labored, and I looked into his angry eyes for a second before pressing harder.  The dull and mighty thumps from his strides pounded in my ears as my legs were weighed down by the insidious tentacles of lactic acid.  Open sky was overwhelmed by a canopy of trees, birds chattering the triumphant cry of our arrival into their domain.  Suddenly I came to an abrupt stop, and the great beast pushed on.  I watched as its massive spinning frame plunged over the edge of the cliff and laughed at its insignificant brain.  I was a little tired, but I was going into the city to get laid by a hooker.: a great, beautiful name that has grown in time and saga with its various returns to fame.  By that I mean that Ryan was drawing an interpretation of this name at my consistent and probably overwhelming demand (I wanted him to draw any name, and I think he chose this one to my delight).  If for nothing else, I love that Edward’s beautiful and mini-epics return to some sort of ape in some sort of deep challenge, struggle, battle, or conundrum.  Meanwhile, the human proves himself smarter and therefore much more susceptible to darker depths than even plunging off the edge of a cliff.  Planet of the Apes themes always seem to resonant deeper than anyone really wants to admit.  Let me now just take a second to nod to: “The dull and mighty thumps from his strides pounded in my ears as my legs were weighed down by the insidious tentacles of lactic acid” and “half-ton” and “midnight fur”. (89%)

Something Sharp in My Sock

- El Fiesta
- Total Crap
- The Strange Rule of the Trash King
- Golem Umbrella Salesman
- Ho! Pass me yonder breathing device!
- Dimension Glue Residue
- Straight Jacket Outta the Dryer
- Boneloose
- Follow You Down the Crater
- Lassie and the Inkwells
- Still Wide 'Neath the Web
- The Well Known Dead
- Dark Backyard Freedom

Band Names - Original List

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Technocratic Psychobabble: Names and Commentary

Technocratic Psychobabble

-Hunky had been going to night school for, oh, say two, three years, but he'd never seen anyone this bad-ass before. The Masonic midget-leper gave him a high-five on the way out and flashed his ass crack to the delight of everyone.

: A delirious return to writing after some presumed sort of meditation and regeneration following “Coming Down”, I wonder how long it took for Edward to start kicking it again with his pencil and paper (perhaps not even that long). You don’t even have to go past “Hunky” to know you’re in for a treat on this stupid joyride of a name. I love that the narrator takes time to debate how many years he wants to say Hunky’s gone to night school, but not to get it right, just to sort of amuse himself with how each number sounds. Edward’s secret (not-so-secret) talent was to combine adjectives, personifiers, amplifiers, characterizers, and tenderizers like “Masonic midget-leper” into actual figures to dance ambiguously across his stories, not unlike a certain Dylan (why doesn’t anyone ever ask why Bob Dylan’s songs sound so much like mine?!). Is it necessary for such a complex sounding character to be in this sort of funky jerk-wad of a name? Probably not, but then again, sure why not. What’s awkward and therefore funnier about the image of this class clown in adult school (a great concept in the first place) is that because this guy’s a midget and gives a “high-five” as he walks by Hunky, I would imagine that even though Hunky’s sitting at a desk, the midget still has to jump to complete this act of yeah-I-know-I’m-cool. The final touch of the butt crack is so good that it even earns the use of bandwagon in “everyone”, because that’s a bandwagon I want to be on (I actually will be going to night school for a photography class in a couple weeks bee tee dubs). (83%)

-Bert struck writer's block at the end of the fourth page in his thirteenth novel. Four pages too late.

: Who are you, me? Got enough numbers there Mr. Math Magician? “Struck”. And the weird apparent meaning in this (if you don’t get too distracted) is wild enough to earn this a place in my already established kingdom of strange abstract trash that will likely endure the death of everything else because it’s too complex and useless to do anything else, like Styrofoam. (54%)

-The Black Shirts confiscated my house and liberated my wife from sexual slavery. Buncha cheeseheads.

: One where I’ll forever remember the ending line but never the beginning. Not to say that the beginning isn’t great, because it’s ridiculous and hilarious. “Confiscated”, “The Black Shirts”. Whadafuck man. And that it seems at first like the Black Shirts are the bad guys for taking the house until apparently you realize the narrator is sexually enslaving his wife. Wut. “Buncha” and “cheeseheads” couldn’t be better partners in that phrase though, regardless of any/everything that may come before it. (73%)

-"Here me out, Isaiah. I have a message for you," I said as we hid inside the black temple. His finger was on the nuclear armageddon button.

: Haha, I like the mind-clearing simplicity of the direction that these names have been going (night school, domestic violence, and world destruction) as a contrast to the relentlessly deep, murky, and deceptive directions of much of Edward’s previous college writing. This sounds like a sort of calm one might get even after the craziest of circumstances, like whatever it took to obtain a nuclear armageddon button. “Hear me out” is such a casual phrase, it’s stupid and great. “Black temple” may be more or less than it means here, best not to stare. I have a weird feeling this one may get better in time. (64%)

-The old cripple wheeled himself down the grassy hill slowly, taking in every detail as if this day was to be his last, smiling at the rising sun. Randy shot him in the face and took his wheelchair for a joyride out on Grand Street.

: It’s like I wrote the first sentence and Greg the second. But it was Edward with the design to merge such things. “Old cripple” is a priceless character that you can’t lose with, even (or especially) when you use the act of shooting yet another person in the face and proceed to raise the pot even more with “Grand Street”. I feel like I could buy this name at Wal-Mart and never stop loving it. (78%)

-"Yeah, he had britches all right. Seven thousand pairs of 'em!" She stared at me in awe, and I slipped the five into the policeman's pocket.

: You know I’m a sucker for conversation names, and an even bigger one for conversation names with the entirety of the dialogue cut off. It’s an absurdly simple and great gag (see Lloyd’s joke during the montage in Dumb and Dumber in the ski lodge). My favorite part here, other than “seven thousand” is that she stares at him in awe as opposed to any other state of mind. (60%)

-The rotten cheese atheist rained on my parade one too many times.

: More cheese, but a great “depressing” name, a type I’m of course quite fond of; also like the definitive nature of the whole thing, not leading one way or another. (65%)

-"Tuesday night we're going over to the coliseum. Should be fun. Varsity Blues vs. Picasso's Blue Period. The bag of Twizzlers is up for grabs!" Veronica gave me a sneer that showed this wasn't the right time.

: This has stood out in my mind from this list (along with “buncha cheeseheads”) for its extreme and jarring structure. It seems like another name got written over top of another and then someone just transcribed them together, a form Ryan patented earlier than we ever knew. But if you say anything about this, you just can’t knock the fucking Blue Period, what a great damn period and concept. “Should be fun”. (73%)

-The great artist Samuel studied twenty ugly faces and twenty attractive faces for his masterwork. His mother scolded him for putting her in the ugly set.

: One of the great names that no one remembers enough. Somehow combining an original conceptual piece with not just childish punchlines, but an endearing underbelly of Samuel being an artist of odd taste and intriguing skill, plus just for the choice of “scolded” is such a nostalgic term in the face of all these cold-growing-colder-world names. Edward was always about great artists, great art, great history, basically anything that stands the test of time, whereas I tended toward the fleeting, the non-sequitor, and the abstract. It was a fine balance, and our themes often overlapped, but I’ll be looking for Samuel some years down the road to see how he’s faired against the weathering and aging of all things. (84%)

-Jebediah felt a cold chill when he peeked under the robes of his nine-year old cousin and saw the hard, wrinkly skin of disease.

: one for the disturbed audience sitting restlessly out there. Something about describing the skin in general versus specific anatomy makes this name worlds darker, though I can’t really describe why. “Hard”. (“Disease”.) This shit is best kept in the drawers (and pulled out when drunk and looking for shock and/or laugh). (70%)

-I sat quietly on my stool at the Hedonist Club while a horsy looking Oriental woman gave me a lap dance, pondering the validity of the establishment's name until Big Hairy Roger came in with a pair of flamethrowers and we got to killing some Native Americans.

: haha, this name is so reckless and careless it’s wonderful. It returns to the days when writing loose held more weight than writing deep. Not to say that loose writing can’t be deep or vice versa, but in this name, it’s all about getting your fill and getting the fuck on to the next course. “Horsy” gives this all the credibility it needs. I also like that the protagonist is on a stool. Go figure. It also feels like something out of Watchmen (the flamethrowers and nonchalant genocide). (67%)

-Frito took his daily trip to the methadone clinic and wondered what the use was anymore.

: a whopper. A too-full-about-to-burst water balloon. This comes mostly from the sharp drop off of the whole thing after getting used to Edward stringing us a few characters, plot twists, or at least descriptors before closing up shop. It’s hard not to look past this one’s cold eyes. (75%)

-Ray the carpenter spotted the armies of Vandals and Goths pouring over the hills towards our village. After he warned everyone and fled to the forests with the women and children, the local defense forced readied the proton torpedoes and launched what few TIE fighters we had. Everyone was ready to spill Germanic blood. I could see it in their eyes.

: the flow of this name from the distant background right to the face of the narrator makes the trip of this name feverish and surprisingly ambitious. Obviously a wild take on time periods and fantasies (and a welcome one – “Vandals and Goths”), it starts out in the third person, switches to a collective “we”, and then finishes with the reader staring into his compatriots beside him. A steady rise to relevance. “That’s some heavy stuff Doc.” (68%)

-"Oh, yeah, he's a conformist, but he's real good with the bow and arrow." I agreed with him. He was a good shot.

: stupid, great, and tactful. (62%)

-Osmosis Jones vs. Jones the cat from Alien.who wins?:

I knew it was only a matter of time before I arrived at this name. We (right?) all know of Edward’s feelings towards the Alien series (meaning the first two…), and none of us should really disagree. I love the ending to this though. (58%)

-Francie doll was a Persian's woman-stout, astute, able-bodied, her nipples were pierced. We spent a few nights up studying the ancient Babylonian texts before she aborted my only child.

: fuck, this one just made me laugh out loud. I completely forgot about this name. Although it doesn’t really stand out from Edward’s many names in terms of being thick with historically shaded descriptors, casual sex (although now that I look, the only actual reference to sex is the abortion), academia, and fun, jaunt-narratives from a first-person narrative, I just thought the quick “before she aborted my only child” ending was hilarious. It makes the opening meticulous details into a great diversion for both the narrator and reader before slapping down an event that, in contrast to a pierced-nipple, able-bodied woman up for shagging and deep nights (is “doll” just a nickname?), is stupidly tragic. “Only” gives the narrator a touch of longing and just makes the flip at the end funnier. “A Persian’s woman”. (86%)

-Gorilla junction* *The gates to paradise

: elegant, innovative, epic. For pretty apparent reasons, this name stood out from the rest of the many names Edward threw my way in college. This is the kind of name that appeals to my innards because of its unorthodox spacing, use of the asterisk, and let us not forget of course the sheer scope of the name in physical appearance and literal meaning. (78%)

-Ronnie had wet nightmares after Janis Joplin came into his room and tried to fuck him

: hard not to laugh or at least smile here. Females raping males (let alone a (the) female rock legend raping a tweenager-sounding boy) manages to get away with a lot more as a concept that the reverse, and here it is us, not Ronnie, who reap the benefits. (70%)

-While she was in the shower, Marty McFly rummaged through her underwear drawer, found her rosary beads, and licked them with relish

: this reminds me of a name long ago Greg wrote about Jake losing his manhood in his drawers or something, god knows. But Edward was all about these feverishly weird actions, not unlike something out of David Lynch’s head, and like his movies, this one will leave you strange blemish on your body you can’t quite remember how or when you got it. (63%)

-Her storytelling fitness regimen was starting to wear me out. And I had the suspicion some of the other kids were on steroids.

: one of the cleaner closing sentences you’ll see in these parts. I’m not sure what a storytelling fitness regiment entails but the ending makes it all worthwhile. (65%)

-The half-ton silverback gorilla and I raced across the plain, his sinewy muscles rippling beneath blankets of midnight fur. My breathing was harsh and labored, and I looked into his angry eyes for a second before pressing harder. The dull and mighty thumps from his strides pounded in my ears as my legs were weighed down by the insidious tentacles of lactic acid. Open sky was overwhelmed by a canopy of trees, birds chattering the triumphant cry of our arrival into their domain. Suddenly I came to an abrupt stop, and the great beast pushed on. I watched as its massive spinning frame plunged over the edge of the cliff and laughed at its insignificant brain. I was a little tired, but I was going into the city to get laid by a hooker.

: the first real glimpse of Edward’s taste for mini-epics since Coming Down, and this one itself is reminiscent of all the early narratives like the wings of a wombat-through a coke bottle name, the Rickert biopics, religious v. nature v. man scriptures, various out-of-body pain/pleasure dream-time happy hour names, and even back to the well-represented primate centered names like gorilla in a tuxedo and Sir Roger Hubert fighting Oboe the biggest damn ape he’d ever seen. As you can tell, this name comes from a long lineage of deep ancestors, and it doesn’t disappoint. Carrying the semi-repeated theme of doing something weird/deep/abstract and then blowing a load in the cheapest foulest way without a second thought back, this name does follow the same pattern of previous names on this list. However, what those names before it lacked in heart, adrenaline, and reverence, this one fills in sweetly. The descriptions (“midnight fur”, “insidious tentacles of lactic acid”) of the gorilla, the jungle, and the jungle birds, are raw and primal like something out of Heart of Darkness, but then smartly contrasted with an abruptly mocking and innately modern vision of the dim-witted animal charging full speed to its death, while the lazily intelligent man goes to get some good-old fashioned easy pleasure (even though he is tired). Great choice and order of the words in “but I was going into the city to get laid by a hooker”. It’s tough because I end up wanting the descriptions and wild scenery of all that builds in the name to continue with the gorilla off of that cliff, but it does seem fitting for this list that the chaos, confusion, and fury of existence be contrasted with how easy it is to toss life away and detach self into nothingness. (90%)

Christmas Band Names!

Ye olde Christmas tradition! These were two lists where it was mentioned that we should write holiday-themed band names; note Zack was really the only one to write such names, but wow were they Christmassy. Season's Greetings y'all! (Note that they were written on the back of some stickers and on a napkin, hence the titles)

Sticker List

- Timmy cried on Jesus’ birthday
- Joseph’s ass is my favorite out of those
- As he rocketed through the sky in a ball of flame, we realized right then how cool Rick really was.
- Bachelor of the minute: Jackson Moses Burton
- Left to his own devices, big jerk Jeremiah wiped his butt with torn out Bible pages
- How the Grinch spread smallpox
- John smiled when he realized what had happened to Jodie – she had been devouring poop for three weeks
- Happy Quanza Charlie Brown
- Good riddance Grover, the world will be better off without you
- Steve puts the “vagina” in “crowd pleaser”
- Children, I have some bad news, Santa is dead
- Shit Wailers
- Creamy Buttocks


Napkin List

- When told by the prophet God meant for him to be crucified, Jesus responded, “That two timing whore”
- Smokey Fireborn Ass Crack
- Smokey Robinson smelled like pampers
- That baby pooped in Greg’s mouth
- Christmas killed my dad
- Rick sleepwalked into my bedroom and then he slapped the dog
- Roger puts the rape in “buttrape”
- Spell-bound Negro
- Grandma farted and everything got quiet
- Steve uses a walker in the bathroom to stable himself
- Old Churchie MacWiggers farts when he sleeps
- We all thought it was funny when the lunch lady dressed like Hitler
- By the toll of the bell, meet me over at Charlie’s
- The Christmas tree ate the dog
- Spices and Cornmeals flowed out of Greg’s pants
- John’s got that funky hip groove going. Maybe I should greet him.
- Sweat poured out of Rob’s brow as his friend and neighbor gasped, constipated, in the next room.

A Mexican Toss-Up

- The Liberal Popsicle Licks
- Sea People Excrement
- Taking Lots of Stuff from Hospitals
- Ancient Chinese People from Mars
- Terrible Friends, Alcohol Days
- I Mapped Out My Life and Sang REO Speedwagon Til' I Croaked
- Braille Bonds
- Time Dependent Judas
- God Said Fix It Yourself
- Chaste Hammond

(to understand better what this list is, see the explanation of Band Names in the second paragraph of that post as well as the other blog with more names)

Topic of the Month (August): RELIGION....Edward's Picks for the Top 10 Religion Band Names of All Time*

*This list was created during the fabled "Interludes" period (during my freshman year of college) in my multi-part, thousand-page-long band name commentary entitled "Updated Name Commentary." The Interludes, consisting of various lists paying homage to the great band names of high school, were written by me as I waited for Daniel to uncover the treasure trove of post-Greg's House high school lists. I was absolutely and hopelessly addicted to commentary-writing at that point, so I could not stand to wait for him to go home on a college break to find one of his many overflowing folders full of band names. So I made best-of lists chronicling the history of band names up until that point in time (meaning up until where I had commented on, since in real time we were already working on college lists, I believe, although we might not have started yet...it's a hazy time period). (DISCLAIMER HERE) So NO, technically this isn't a list of the all-time greatest religion names, since it only covers up to a certain period, but you get my drift. Maybe as a special treat for Religion Month Daniel or another writer will detail the best religion names made after this time period. (END DISCLAIMER) Back on track: in honor of August, month of religion and "volatility," I am republishing my list of the top ten religion names.

Okay, ye who are unacquainted with our "band names" (no, they are not actually real rock band names), you are probably wondering just what the fucking shiite ol' Eduardo is talking about right now. Let me do some more quoting (since I'm a bit lazy to actually describe for myself right now) and paste here what Daniel had to say about the genesis of the band name (note that this is a Facebook version of Daniel's explanation; I will provide the real explanation just as soon as he finds it, Allah willing): "Dedicated originally for creating band names, now a band name or 'name' is really as long as an encyclopedia, as short as a single word, or as medium as a paragraph. They can be full fledged epics, fleeting thoughts, a name of a person, a moment in time, a title, a short story, or words that just sound good together. They're generally but definitely not restricted to fiction. Basically, write anything worth reading."

Here is another Daniel-explanation, perhaps the one I was originally looking for, about what band names are to us: "During a slow going study hall not unlike any other, we assembled together and begin to banter about nothing consequential. Somehow the subject of band names came up as one among us had actually been in a band, as he had some legitimate artistic talent. Debate over what would make a good band name was thrown about, so I decided to try and publish it by tossing out a piece of paper and seeing what we could get done. The group jumped on it as a way to pass the time and soon we had a decent list of band names from the childish to the cerebral and back again. I pushed for this to continue until we had a few lists together and then we recruited our most enthusiastic participant and later critic. He grabbed the list and scribbled down a phrase likely not as possible for a band name for its sheer length. But no one objected of course and gradually we pushed outwards from the constraints of how people generally think of band names. It soon became a medium for anything on your mind, whether it was a jumble of non-sequitor words made hilarious by their combination or two or three eloquently constructed sentences about poop. There was talk of making whatever the best name we’d written our actual band name for an actual band. But like many endeavors the planning and brainstorming was miles more fun than actually trying to run with just one name and create a novelty band.

"So we kept running with it, throwing together lists whenever groups gathered. Our writing among groups was pure and vulnerable to salivating crowd surrounding the list (it didn’t help that it was lunch). We’d feed off one another by either carrying on the energy of one writer or making a point to completely contrast the present forces set in motion. Eventually, high school ended as it must and should, and we were left to isolated name-writing from our college dorms. This period only added to the extreme breadth and depth of the band name writing realm that we’d fashioned from its beginnings on scrap paper."

And without further ado, I will move onto what I promised in the post title--my top ten religion names! Here ya go:

The Top Ten Religion Names of All-Time

A sacred category of writing that only the most humble and faithful of authors wrote in, and even then, only with the utmost care and respect, religion names were actually the battlefield of either authors like me looking for tasty characters (like God) and situations, or Zack West, who seemed to write about religion only because he thought that it was controversial and would make him a courageous playboy who the ladies hung on to and the fellas envied. He was wrong, and to be fair, it was pretty hard to make an actual controversial name what with our audience of heartless bastards, but it wasn’t impossible. Not exactly the finest style of names ever, most of us didn’t really delve into the genre too seriously, but sometimes we’d just put out one involving God or Jesus once in a while, and quite a few of those were funny. And no, I’m not including Christmas names on this list.
Honorable mention: Singleterry had his eyes sewed shut and the next day God appeared for a special treat for the village people, the doctors took out the strings but the weasel snuck out with the eyes…ha, he thought they were testicles.: God’s appearance in here only seems to be as a random guest character (similar to many of mine), and it doesn’t really deal that much with religion, but I had to stick this one on here somewhere. I love the idea of God appearing as a “special treat,” though, adding a lively sense of appeal to it.
Honorable mention: God finally found a person he could play chess with in the form of “Pop ‘n’ Scotch” Veronica and that juicy intellect of hers: a pretty random storyline by me, I liked the idea of God possessing such stupendous intellectual abilities that he could find no match in the universe with which to challenge himself. On along comes “Pop ‘n’ Scotch” Veronica and he’s finally met his match. I thought of the stupidest, most teeny-bopper name for the girl as I could to add a nice twist, and “juicy intellect of hers” almost signified that God would eat her brain if she actually did beat him, but I think this one was a nice little name of mine.
10.) Mormons: I was a little surprised when I realized I had chosen to go for a one-worder, and this was the first one of this length since all the way back on the study hall lists, but I couldn’t think of anything better to say about Mormons other than, well, just “Mormons.” Hugely open to interpretation, I think that’s what makes this one so good. It was an innovative take and a relatively innovative subject, and you can’t say it was tasteless, because it really had nothing to say. One I hold pretty dear in my heart, I’m not so sure how others liked it, but I swear, the more I hear about Mormons in real life, the more true this one rings in my ears.
9.) Jesus was the king of men, Jèsus Gonzales was a sex offender serving time in State Penn.: Ryan went for a nice twist on this one striking both religion and race in one blow. It doesn’t deal that closely with religion, but as you’ll see, not many names on this list do. Nice use of “State Penn.” showing off some streetwise sentiments, and I also like “the king of men” part.
8.) God made me what I am—a stepchild of myth: showcasing the overwhelming arrogance of some religious fellows who believe that they form a special link in “God’s plan,” this one wasn’t obnoxious, however, but a strange and charming contribution of mine. I think when I wrote it, I kinda wanted the other people around to actually think that I was the narrator in here (at the time, there weren’t many first-person names, so that wasn’t too unreasonable) as opposed to just a random character of mine, and maybe get the others freaked out by it and help the name. Who’s to say I’m not a stepchild of myth anyways? This one is fairly short, but I think every word in here helps it, and it was a fine name. I like the matter-of-fact innocence of it, and the fake-grand scale of it.
7.) -WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW SALLY??!!-, -Jesus, Jonathan she’s a three year old for Christ’s sake!-: Daniel’s thrilling conclusion to the History/Lunch List lit up the eyes of everyone present when his pen left the paper and he turned the list around smugly so that everyone could read and gasp. I wish we planted a hidden camera that day at lunch to see what his face was doing while the others read it. I’m not sure about how much of this has to actually do with believing in God, but I love the excessive anti-religious sentiments of the first person. You’re lead along to kinda agree with him, because sometimes people can get a little bit out of hand when it comes to Christianity, but Daniel added a nice conclusion when you find out Mr. Psycho is yelling at a three-year-old. As I said above, this is a thrilling name, and one of Daniel’s most classic.
6.) Left to his own devices, big jerk Jeremiah wiped his butt with torn out Bible pages: I’m not sure exactly what this one is supposed to mean—is Jeremiah just putting up a religious front to fool the imbeciles? (is he even religious?) does he like the Bible so much that he uses it in the bathroom?—but it clearly deals with the Book of God pretty handily right off the bat, and it certainly works because of its somewhat shocking nature, so this is the third appearance of Daniel’s potent Sticker List name on my lists so far. Keep your head up in the future—it just might show up again.
5.) Religion blows: probably the flagship of the religion names, this one makes my list so high up more for that than its quality. Its luster has faded somewhat to a dull yet soothing glow, but I still remember the smug look on my face when I wrote it (not altogether too distant from Daniel’s look that I talked about above), and this one was bound to go down in history, simply because there weren’t all that many blunt names on the lists when it came to topics like this. Sure, there were lots of obvious ones about people being gay or moronic crap like that, but there just weren’t that many about honestly meaningful topics. I wanted this said with a distinct and clear voice, and I wanted something terribly simple, and I think ultimately this one was worth it to write, no matter how much or little critical appeal it’ll ever get.
4.) Sherman Williams the preacher thought he lost the bet, but then he realized his life was already over: I’m really not sure at all how much Daniel meant for this one to be about the man’s faith, but I absolutely love the negative tone that drenches this one to the bone. Starting off negative already with the man thinking he lost a bet, it dips into depression when you find out he’s already dead. It could perhaps be seen as a fitting end for a preacher who gambles, but for some reason I just find myself drifting over towards this one among the field of names from the New England time. The hidden appeal of it is that no matter how doom-filled and morbid it seems, it hints at the suggestion that maybe death isn’t all that bad in the end, and might be an escape from our everyday worries. There isn’t anything scary or fearful at the end when Sherman realizes he’s dead, and despite its bleak exterior, I think it has a soft heart somewhere inside there.
3.) The school picnic was finally here and all the school children were eager to take a taste at the kool-aid that was made only once a year. Timberland was caught in the school oven douching himself with it and talking like Jesus. Looks like he’ll be servin’ life!: the role of “talking like Jesus” is small in this set piece, but the whole thing seems like a sort of pseudo-religious ritual to me, but more one by extremely organized islanders or tribal people to me than any sort of Western religion. The “kool-aid that was made only once a year” seems to be particularly sacred here, and perhaps Timberland became so entranced by the heady brew that he went crazy in the school oven with it. It’s clearly some strong stuff (I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on a batch of that shit, but clearly we’d have to go through great lengths to procure some). And there seems to be a steep price, as shown by the last sentence, for stepping out of line in that society. On good names like this, Greg created whole worlds for us to explore.
2.) When told by the prophet God meant for him to be crucified, Jesus responded, “That two timing whore”: Zack’s last line comes very close to breaking the mood in this one, but you can’t help but notice the biblical-epic style from early on. I love how Jesus goes to a simple, garden-variety prophet to find out his master’s plans for him. One of the few that deals with religious events head on, it gains momentum from using history and putting it into context along with some dirty slang. Among Zack’s best names ever, it’s also one of the best religious ones ever.
1.) Rembrant was in agonizing pain from his sexual disease he obtained at age 9 and saw the light. Hoping for Jesus he walked towards it only to have flames consume his body.: going along with the sin-and-consequence scenario of Sherman Williams, this one improves upon it by setting the stakes considerably higher with Rembrant being in “agonizing pain” and at the end walking into the flames of hell (presumably). It’s hilarious to think of Rembrant getting the STD at age nine, then lying bedridden the rest of his life in an uptight, stodgy family home, whose occupants passed by his quarters every morning with shameful sideways glances towards the sinner of the family. When this came out, it was something completely new, because of its highly thoughtful scenario and style of humor, and it’s one of the classics of our time. This was one of Greg’s first twist endings, an omen for the rest of the night, and it served as good motivation for me to kick myself in the ass and step up my writing.

--Edward