I put the question mark in the title here, because this is really a question for all of the modern music fans out there. At the moment, I'm kinda fascinated with the idea of contemporary music--which as I stated in a previous post at first seems almost overwhelming to me--and I'd really like to try to delve a bit more deeply into its tangled webs. I was reading a review for an LCD Soundsystem CD (this seemed like a trendy enough band, right?), and this quote stuck out for me: "Like just about everybody else these days, Murphy's more skilled at creating isolated tracks than making full-lengths, even though this particular full-length has few weak spots and unfolds smoothly as you listen to it from beginning to end."
I had mentioned in my previous post a fear that the album as an art-form is dying. It seems to me that with the advent of downloadable music, no one really cared about buying entire albums anymore, so of course artists don't really care about them anymore. People just listen to one or two hit songs from each album, and even if they do have the entire album, they can listen to it on their computer in any order they want. I like that freedom, but I love the idea of getting really into a deep album and losing yourself in the tracks. Great albums aren't about hits, but about the ebb and flow of music, the valleys and the peaks. Blonde on Blonde by Bob Dylan for me is all about that progression from the unearthly, magical "Visions of Johanna" through the joyful yet melancholy "I Want You," culminating in "Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again," which really sums up the album with its crazy-carnival mood (what Dylan terms "that thin, wild mercury sound," which was as close as he got on record to the sound of the music he heard in his head). Not every song on this album is amazing, but it is the total experience and the fact that you discover something absolutely new on each listen that makes it my favorite album of all time. What's Going On by Marvin Gaye feels like a total musical journey, but all the songs blur together to me. The White Album is such an experience in and of itself, becuase of the sheer variety and the fact that they Beatles threw everything and the bathroom sink at your face.
I am curious, modern music fans, do you feel like people are still making great, full-length albums? Is the quality still the same as it was during the peak years of rock 'n' roll? Do you feel like things are changing in an era where no one buys CDs anymore? I don't really download much music, so I don't know if people usually DL the whole album or just their favorite songs or what. If you download the whole album, do you listen to it all the way through in order? That is always something I try to do at least once. Honestly, with the best albums, you discover something new on every play through. I am so ill-informed about music from the last decade, but there are a lot of '90s albums that I love, from Nevermind to Play by Moby to Beck's albums to Radiohead's albums. These people were making great LPs, but still, this was primarily in the era where people actually went out and bought the CD. I am a bit worried that it is a dying medium, however, just like the novel might one day be phased out. But I'm curious as to what better-informed music fans than me have to say on the issue.
--Edward
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
We were dead before the ship even sank....
In response to Edward's mention in a previous post about finding some new reading material, I suggested a book entitled Zombie by Joyce Carol Oates. The main character is closely based off of the infamous serial killer, Jeffrey Dahmer. Ed and I were talking about good ole' Jeffrey the other day and voiced our opinions on his sentence once he was convicted over 25 years ago. Edward said he felt a sort of sympathy for Jeffrey once he watched some interviews with him on YouTube, many stated him as being "an intelligent, soft spoken man". At the time, I couldn't really understand this logic even though so many people do, in fact, sympathize and even idolize serial killers. Anyway, as a receptionist for a landscaping company, every now and then my job can get a bit stressful (and by every now and then i mean never), i still manage to find the time to sit here for hours and google search everything i can on Jeffrey Dahmer. I'm talking biographies, time lines of the murders committed, how and what he did to his victims in gruesome detail, charming snapshots taken from prisons and courtrooms, etc. , etc. I then did some research on Ted Bundy, who while in prison, received an abundance of love letters from women who were literally enamoured of him and his actions, which happened to include murdering and raping up to 40 women. Um, awesome!? I'm not so sure....But, on a serious note, what is the fascination and admiration associated with these men about?? I have to admit, even i felt it, a moment of awe at what they could do and did over and over. I could not stop reading about how Jeffrey Dauhmer would drill holes into the brains of young men he kidnapped and raped to try to create his own "zombie". I continued on to find out how he also decapitated and literally ATE some of his other victims. All i could think was give me more!! In conclusion to this random and somewhat wildly inappropriate post, these are some of the things i stew over at the office on a daily basis and i wanted to share my thoughts. I will end this post with two fun facts:
1)Jeffrey would dismember his victims and keep their heads and genitalia as trophies, biceps and other muscles were frozen for future consumption. He was once quoted as saying that human flesh "tasted like beef". Yummy!
2)Once convicted, he was sentenced to 15 consecutive life sentences, which would equal out to a minimum of 936 years! In 1994, Jeffy was beaten to death with a broom by a fellow inmate.
Let the fascination commence.
1)Jeffrey would dismember his victims and keep their heads and genitalia as trophies, biceps and other muscles were frozen for future consumption. He was once quoted as saying that human flesh "tasted like beef". Yummy!
2)Once convicted, he was sentenced to 15 consecutive life sentences, which would equal out to a minimum of 936 years! In 1994, Jeffy was beaten to death with a broom by a fellow inmate.
Let the fascination commence.
The Changing Face of Music
Anyone who knows my music preferences at all knows I listen to largely older music as opposed to modern stuff. This isn't because I'm one of those bitter people who says that everything sucks now compared to the "good old days," and while on bad days I sometimes believe this, I generally am not a cynic about the lack of modern talent. The simple fact is that contemporary music is incredibly intimidating to me with its sheer variety and inaccesibility. Everyone seems to find their favorite bands through a variety of online searching methods and I suppose through word-of-mouth. I'm curious what most people use to download music online, since I've never really been an expert at DLing music. The only real way I listen to music online is through YouTube, and even that is typically stuff I've already heard and I just want to listen to at that moment.
I don't feel that there is a lack of talent in the music business now. I just feel that it's become very hard to find a life-changing band because there are so many artists out there now in so many different genres of music. And one thing I do think has changed is that the industry itself doesn't really promote true talent or creativity anymore. So much money has become involved in the industry that it doesn't reward originality anymore as much as it pays for more of the same--Auto Tune and generic-sounding choruses and pretty much just banality. There was a brief time period in popular music where "the big thing" actually meant the big thing. The Beatles and Motown and others were not only the biggest-selling acts of their day; they were the most groundbreaking and meaningful and objectively the best. Just like there was a brief window following Bonnie and Clyde where the big movie studios were willing to finance risky projects like the two Godfather movies and Taxi Driver and The French Connection and Midnight Cowboy, there was a time period where what was at the top of the charts was also some of the most meaningful music ever to be released by pop musicians. I suppose in terms of the movies, this was just a combination of all the right factors. The destruction of the old Hays censorship code and the creation of the MPAA system coincided with a cultural revolution occuring in the '50s and '60s, and a series of intelligent and ambitious studio heads allowed for darker, more artistic projects like the above-mentioned movies to be made. Sadly, the advent of the blockbuster made it that so much money was involved, that less risks could be taken. The same thing seems to have happened in the music industry. There seems like there is absolutely no risk-taking being done with commercial music.
This is all well and good, I can hear people saying, because there is still indie groups out there that create great music. Just becuase it doesn't sell as much as Michael Jackson doesn't mean it can't be good. But what I really miss in music (and I say "miss" in the sense that I feel an emptiness, not that I was ever around for such a thing) is the sense of collective experience that comes with music that is both amazing and amazingly popular. With indie music comes a sense of elitism and exclusivism. Music isn't "good" if it's mainstream. You want to like a band before they sell out and get a major label contract. It's hard for me to understand this (well, not really, because populist tastes can piss me off probably more than anyone) because it seems almost more meaningful if an artist is not only changing your life, but changing the lives of all those around you--your friends and family and coworkers and even just random people you meet on the street. That was what happened with a group like the Beatles. Everyone in the world, it seemed like, would be waiting for the release of their next album or single.
It seems to me that the last band that had any sort of big impact on our culture at large was Nirvana. And they were not around particularly long. Maybe people can enlighten me because I'm missing out on some more recent acts, but it just seems like post-Nirvana music has become even more fractured than it already was. I think that's good in a sense, becauase I think it's fascinating that I can think of any type of music possible and I can go find a bunch of bands that perform it out there. But I would still rather be a part of a collective cultural experience of the likes of the Beatles or Elvis or Bob Dylan or a bunch of others. These were real cultural events, instead of just being new talents to crop up. I wish the music industry would still put faith in new things like they did with these artists. But I guess the culture as a whole was just different then. Like I said, it was in the midst of great changes and the music I suppose reflected these. Racial and sexual norms were changing incredibly, and rock music was the beacon of these changes. I guess music reflects our culture now. Especially the technological aspect of music. Finding music online and listening to it on an iPod anywhere you go. There is so much variety, but I feel like it is a lot less meaningful for people than it used to be, simply becuase you listen to it everywhere you go and it serves more and more just as the background for your daily life. You listen to it in the car, when you run, as you are walking to work, on your cell phone as it rings for you. I can't imagine people doing this with Revolver or Highway 61 or London Calling when they came out. This was art to experience--it wasn't something to stick on your iPod to fill up time. People who listened to that stuff were inspired to start their own bands and create music. I don't know, I feel like all of this constant exposure to music has really cheapened it in our culture. Music is everywhere, and as such, music means a lot less. I really yearn for a collective cultural experience like the huge pop acts of yore, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever live to see one. There is so much more variety in all areas of pop culture, but it comes at the expense of profundity.
--Edward
I don't feel that there is a lack of talent in the music business now. I just feel that it's become very hard to find a life-changing band because there are so many artists out there now in so many different genres of music. And one thing I do think has changed is that the industry itself doesn't really promote true talent or creativity anymore. So much money has become involved in the industry that it doesn't reward originality anymore as much as it pays for more of the same--Auto Tune and generic-sounding choruses and pretty much just banality. There was a brief time period in popular music where "the big thing" actually meant the big thing. The Beatles and Motown and others were not only the biggest-selling acts of their day; they were the most groundbreaking and meaningful and objectively the best. Just like there was a brief window following Bonnie and Clyde where the big movie studios were willing to finance risky projects like the two Godfather movies and Taxi Driver and The French Connection and Midnight Cowboy, there was a time period where what was at the top of the charts was also some of the most meaningful music ever to be released by pop musicians. I suppose in terms of the movies, this was just a combination of all the right factors. The destruction of the old Hays censorship code and the creation of the MPAA system coincided with a cultural revolution occuring in the '50s and '60s, and a series of intelligent and ambitious studio heads allowed for darker, more artistic projects like the above-mentioned movies to be made. Sadly, the advent of the blockbuster made it that so much money was involved, that less risks could be taken. The same thing seems to have happened in the music industry. There seems like there is absolutely no risk-taking being done with commercial music.
This is all well and good, I can hear people saying, because there is still indie groups out there that create great music. Just becuase it doesn't sell as much as Michael Jackson doesn't mean it can't be good. But what I really miss in music (and I say "miss" in the sense that I feel an emptiness, not that I was ever around for such a thing) is the sense of collective experience that comes with music that is both amazing and amazingly popular. With indie music comes a sense of elitism and exclusivism. Music isn't "good" if it's mainstream. You want to like a band before they sell out and get a major label contract. It's hard for me to understand this (well, not really, because populist tastes can piss me off probably more than anyone) because it seems almost more meaningful if an artist is not only changing your life, but changing the lives of all those around you--your friends and family and coworkers and even just random people you meet on the street. That was what happened with a group like the Beatles. Everyone in the world, it seemed like, would be waiting for the release of their next album or single.
It seems to me that the last band that had any sort of big impact on our culture at large was Nirvana. And they were not around particularly long. Maybe people can enlighten me because I'm missing out on some more recent acts, but it just seems like post-Nirvana music has become even more fractured than it already was. I think that's good in a sense, becauase I think it's fascinating that I can think of any type of music possible and I can go find a bunch of bands that perform it out there. But I would still rather be a part of a collective cultural experience of the likes of the Beatles or Elvis or Bob Dylan or a bunch of others. These were real cultural events, instead of just being new talents to crop up. I wish the music industry would still put faith in new things like they did with these artists. But I guess the culture as a whole was just different then. Like I said, it was in the midst of great changes and the music I suppose reflected these. Racial and sexual norms were changing incredibly, and rock music was the beacon of these changes. I guess music reflects our culture now. Especially the technological aspect of music. Finding music online and listening to it on an iPod anywhere you go. There is so much variety, but I feel like it is a lot less meaningful for people than it used to be, simply becuase you listen to it everywhere you go and it serves more and more just as the background for your daily life. You listen to it in the car, when you run, as you are walking to work, on your cell phone as it rings for you. I can't imagine people doing this with Revolver or Highway 61 or London Calling when they came out. This was art to experience--it wasn't something to stick on your iPod to fill up time. People who listened to that stuff were inspired to start their own bands and create music. I don't know, I feel like all of this constant exposure to music has really cheapened it in our culture. Music is everywhere, and as such, music means a lot less. I really yearn for a collective cultural experience like the huge pop acts of yore, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever live to see one. There is so much more variety in all areas of pop culture, but it comes at the expense of profundity.
--Edward
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Hazy Maze Cave...and the Monster Lying Therein
Alright, time for my first post. Honestly, for the last three or four years of my life I've been in a real creative funk. I've had a lot of personal problems, and I don't seem to be like the great French Symbolist poets or punk rockers out there (Baudelaire or Cobain or Beethoven or Vincent van Gogh) in my ability to create art out of my own personal turmoil. I mean, the image heroin gives off unlike other drugs is that it's an artist's drug. It has that sense of romantic appeal to it, a sense of history and the notion of personal loss in exchange for the greater artistic good. Unfortunately, I am not like that and I doubt most addicts are. But props to all the troubled artists out there who have managed to create something important and meaningful for countless others out of their own pain.
Anyways, I miss the oft-mentioned "golden days" of name-writing and for me the peak of my creative intensity was the freshman year of college. That was when I was the biggest loner I could possibly be, but I fought against this by burying myself inside of names and especially commentary. But unfortunately as I became more social my sophomore year, I stopped writing as much and eventually at all, so you have to forgive me if I seem a bit out of touch, because I promise you I feel even more alien.
When you are an addict, sometimes it's very saddening to think of just how much time has gone by in your life while you remain at a standstill. For this post (because I couldn't think of anything else to write about!), I wanted to just lay down for myself some of my goals and things that I want to get more into again, as a way to fight against the temptation of substance abuse and just as a way to make my life more meaningful. I think back to a year ago when I started writing in this journal that I used to write names in and I posted a pretty similar thing in there. Big goals. Wanted to get the creative juices flowing again. And yet a year has gone by, and I'm still doing this shit? The sense of sadness is even deeper when you think about everyone else moving ahead in their lives and leaving you behind, people you've lost....
Back on focus here, though.
1.) Physical fitness: Goddamn do I miss being in shape. Junior year/early senior year in high school could be considered my "peak" (I know, this is sad! haha) in life for any number of reasons, but if nothing else, that was the peak of my fitness. I think Daniel can sympathize with me here--working in an office makes you feel like a piece of shit physically. It is God's ultimate punishment for the white middle class for getting through college on their parents' money. I actually have a gym membership right now, but I don't even remember the last time I went. It's been a rough time the last few months. But my goal is to lift weights three times a week and run three times a week. (I have to start really slowly and over short distances with running, even though I used to be a cross country captain, because my legs start itching like fucking fire, and it is something I cannot run through. Sometimes I wonder if this is because I fucked up my circulatory system through IV drug use. I'm not sure. I've read that it can also just be because you are so out of shape that your veins are not used to pumping so much blood. It's frustrating when you aren't that tired and you know you can run more and get a better work out, but you just cannot go anymore because of the itching.) One of those three runs a week would be substituted for racquetball if a game was available, since my passion for the sport is very well documented. Basically, just cardio and strength training. This is kinda common sense.
2.) Intellectual/creative development: I was basically a pussy all throughout college. I never really tried to read anything challenging on my own. It's intimidating. I have a short attention span, but I don't blame that on ADD. I blame it on myself being a pussy and not pushing myself hard enough. I'm convinced that is the problem with most people's attention spans. Just like you get out of shape from not exercising, your brain gets out of shape if you don't push it enough. I would like to read a lot more challenging books--all the classics, I love nonfiction, basically whatever, but I would like to read all the classics I've missed out on because I was too intimidated by them, and this includes stuff like Dante or Shakespeare or Joyce or whoever. People know that when I do something I like to do it all the way, so this includes literature. I was doing pretty good with practicing guitar, but again I've had a rough past couple of months, and as people know by now, I don't "count" doing anything productive when I'm intoxicated, so I just give up on things when I'm in binging periods. I have no regrets about that, since reading and music and movies become big motivations to quit using drugs for me. So yeah, I would like to practice guitar from 30 min. to 1 hour per day. Doing anymore than that I'm afraid I just don't have time for if I also want to read every day and work out basically every day. I don't plan to be the best guitarist ever. I would just like to have a workable knowledge of the instrument and of music theory. I could create a literally neverending Netflix queue, so it goes without saying that there are a lot of movies I need to see. I don't really consider myself a serious movie (or literature) fan, because I simply have not seen (or read) enough. Music...yeah, need to listen to more. Could also create a (literally) endless CD-to-get list. I'm a collectionist, so yes, I actually still do like to get CDs. It saddens me that physical media seems to be getting phased out. I'm sure that's a good thing to a lot of people--environmentalists, people without much space, or just those who don't have big collections in the first place and who don't want to appear inferior any longer--but I guess I'm old-fashioned in that I'm a collector when it comes to books, movies, CDs, and video games. I love having a bangin' collection, because apparently I'm so insecure that it makes me feel better about myself. Video games...I've come to accept that I'm never going to have much time for video games anymore, as working out, music, and reading comes first, BUT I would still like to play some of the really big games once in a while. I'm thinking specifically of Super Mario Galaxy 2 at the moment, haha, but something like Uncharted 2 or whatever. You know, the really big games that everyone just has to play. Well, who likes feeling left out?
Another big part of "creative development" is of course creation itself. This is hard for me, and honestly I don't plan to rush back into it. I don't like creating mediocre stuff, but I also realize you only get better through practice. A lot of my intention of reading more serious literature then I had had the balls to tackle before was so that I could learn from it how to become a better writer. I am of the school that not all of the tools to become a good writer come only from inside. You can't learn words or things like that from yourself, and God I don't know enough words. But yes, I would like to start writing again. Writing what? I'm not sure. I've never been very confident or decisive to answer that question.
3.) Travel/actually doing stuff: Around the time I started writing in that journal that I mentioned earlier, I also came up with the idea of making a travel scrapbook to document the places I've been to. And I have those 1,000 Places to See Before You Die books to get through too. If you can't tell already, I like making lists and getting through them. I guess it gives my life meaning. I try to get more into travel, because it's something I don't necessarily feel...comfortable with normally. Not in the sense that I am anxious traveling. It's in the sense that this isn't something that I guess necessarily grabbed me like reading a book does or shooting up a drug does. Travel is something I have to push myself into. This section also includes just doing anything that puts me outside of my comfort zone. The thing about depression and drug addiction is that you get so stuck in your "comfort zone" (which, by the way, is basically just misery and the dreadful intertia of nihilism) that you don't want to do anything that makes you in the least bit uncomfortable just because you are so used to having that easy pleasure, even if it causes you deep suffering in the long run. It took a long time for me to even build up the courage to go to bars or things like that. I just wasn't used to it. Social situations can still make me a bit nervous, but I try to push myself more than I used to. I don't regret ever trying drugs in the first place, because even though they have caused me a lot of unhappiness, they taught me that I have to work--really work--to find some happiness. I'm not the type of person who it comes easy to, but I think that the more that you work for something, the more meaningful it will be for you. It took me a long time to realize that. For a long time I thought that I was just cursed and that everyone who seemed or was happy was just faking it, and that only I knew the truth. I don't claim to know all the answers, but this doesn't seem like a good path, but that was my life for many years.
4.) Relationships: I won't lie. I wasn't a good social person/friend for a long time. When you are unhappy, you tend to not give a fuck about anyone else other than yourself. I want to get beyond that and try to help others and just generally be friends with others. And get closer to my family, because we tend to have a great divide and I think at the moment they have no idea at my own internal state. But I don't blame them, I hid it. And yes, this section includes girls too. That is probably the hardest thing for me other than drugs, and getting over my ex, Alex, is really the only thing in my life I've found as difficult emotionally to deal with as drug addiction (other than maybe when I had absolutely no friends when I was a freshman in college, but that might not have even been as bad). I dated her for five years, and when we broke up, that absolutely crushed me. I knew the whole time we were dating we'd one day break up, because I wasn't always the best boyfriend and we had some big trust issues because of my addiction, and I knew that when that day came I'd be absolutely devastated. I built my entire life around her. I know that sounds like a cliche, but she really was my best friend and she was just one of the few people that I completely respected and she always really cared about me no matter how much I put her through, which was a lot. And I still think she cares a lot about me, so that is saying something. But I managed to always bury that fear (which was as deep and black as you could get--that was just about my greatest fear) through drugs or just through other things. So when that day came (and I was trying to quit heroin at this time too), I just had the rug pulled out from under my feet, and it was a very difficult time, to say the least.
But anyways, I really need to just be a lot more confident with girls. What guy doesn't say that? It's just not that easy for me, not that I'm bad with them. I think I get along with them fine. I don't know. We'll see.
Anyways, sorry to bore people with such a long post, but I wanted to establish some goals for myself because it just really helps. As Mike said, we need to get this blog rolling.
--Edward
Anyways, I miss the oft-mentioned "golden days" of name-writing and for me the peak of my creative intensity was the freshman year of college. That was when I was the biggest loner I could possibly be, but I fought against this by burying myself inside of names and especially commentary. But unfortunately as I became more social my sophomore year, I stopped writing as much and eventually at all, so you have to forgive me if I seem a bit out of touch, because I promise you I feel even more alien.
When you are an addict, sometimes it's very saddening to think of just how much time has gone by in your life while you remain at a standstill. For this post (because I couldn't think of anything else to write about!), I wanted to just lay down for myself some of my goals and things that I want to get more into again, as a way to fight against the temptation of substance abuse and just as a way to make my life more meaningful. I think back to a year ago when I started writing in this journal that I used to write names in and I posted a pretty similar thing in there. Big goals. Wanted to get the creative juices flowing again. And yet a year has gone by, and I'm still doing this shit? The sense of sadness is even deeper when you think about everyone else moving ahead in their lives and leaving you behind, people you've lost....
Back on focus here, though.
1.) Physical fitness: Goddamn do I miss being in shape. Junior year/early senior year in high school could be considered my "peak" (I know, this is sad! haha) in life for any number of reasons, but if nothing else, that was the peak of my fitness. I think Daniel can sympathize with me here--working in an office makes you feel like a piece of shit physically. It is God's ultimate punishment for the white middle class for getting through college on their parents' money. I actually have a gym membership right now, but I don't even remember the last time I went. It's been a rough time the last few months. But my goal is to lift weights three times a week and run three times a week. (I have to start really slowly and over short distances with running, even though I used to be a cross country captain, because my legs start itching like fucking fire, and it is something I cannot run through. Sometimes I wonder if this is because I fucked up my circulatory system through IV drug use. I'm not sure. I've read that it can also just be because you are so out of shape that your veins are not used to pumping so much blood. It's frustrating when you aren't that tired and you know you can run more and get a better work out, but you just cannot go anymore because of the itching.) One of those three runs a week would be substituted for racquetball if a game was available, since my passion for the sport is very well documented. Basically, just cardio and strength training. This is kinda common sense.
2.) Intellectual/creative development: I was basically a pussy all throughout college. I never really tried to read anything challenging on my own. It's intimidating. I have a short attention span, but I don't blame that on ADD. I blame it on myself being a pussy and not pushing myself hard enough. I'm convinced that is the problem with most people's attention spans. Just like you get out of shape from not exercising, your brain gets out of shape if you don't push it enough. I would like to read a lot more challenging books--all the classics, I love nonfiction, basically whatever, but I would like to read all the classics I've missed out on because I was too intimidated by them, and this includes stuff like Dante or Shakespeare or Joyce or whoever. People know that when I do something I like to do it all the way, so this includes literature. I was doing pretty good with practicing guitar, but again I've had a rough past couple of months, and as people know by now, I don't "count" doing anything productive when I'm intoxicated, so I just give up on things when I'm in binging periods. I have no regrets about that, since reading and music and movies become big motivations to quit using drugs for me. So yeah, I would like to practice guitar from 30 min. to 1 hour per day. Doing anymore than that I'm afraid I just don't have time for if I also want to read every day and work out basically every day. I don't plan to be the best guitarist ever. I would just like to have a workable knowledge of the instrument and of music theory. I could create a literally neverending Netflix queue, so it goes without saying that there are a lot of movies I need to see. I don't really consider myself a serious movie (or literature) fan, because I simply have not seen (or read) enough. Music...yeah, need to listen to more. Could also create a (literally) endless CD-to-get list. I'm a collectionist, so yes, I actually still do like to get CDs. It saddens me that physical media seems to be getting phased out. I'm sure that's a good thing to a lot of people--environmentalists, people without much space, or just those who don't have big collections in the first place and who don't want to appear inferior any longer--but I guess I'm old-fashioned in that I'm a collector when it comes to books, movies, CDs, and video games. I love having a bangin' collection, because apparently I'm so insecure that it makes me feel better about myself. Video games...I've come to accept that I'm never going to have much time for video games anymore, as working out, music, and reading comes first, BUT I would still like to play some of the really big games once in a while. I'm thinking specifically of Super Mario Galaxy 2 at the moment, haha, but something like Uncharted 2 or whatever. You know, the really big games that everyone just has to play. Well, who likes feeling left out?
Another big part of "creative development" is of course creation itself. This is hard for me, and honestly I don't plan to rush back into it. I don't like creating mediocre stuff, but I also realize you only get better through practice. A lot of my intention of reading more serious literature then I had had the balls to tackle before was so that I could learn from it how to become a better writer. I am of the school that not all of the tools to become a good writer come only from inside. You can't learn words or things like that from yourself, and God I don't know enough words. But yes, I would like to start writing again. Writing what? I'm not sure. I've never been very confident or decisive to answer that question.
3.) Travel/actually doing stuff: Around the time I started writing in that journal that I mentioned earlier, I also came up with the idea of making a travel scrapbook to document the places I've been to. And I have those 1,000 Places to See Before You Die books to get through too. If you can't tell already, I like making lists and getting through them. I guess it gives my life meaning. I try to get more into travel, because it's something I don't necessarily feel...comfortable with normally. Not in the sense that I am anxious traveling. It's in the sense that this isn't something that I guess necessarily grabbed me like reading a book does or shooting up a drug does. Travel is something I have to push myself into. This section also includes just doing anything that puts me outside of my comfort zone. The thing about depression and drug addiction is that you get so stuck in your "comfort zone" (which, by the way, is basically just misery and the dreadful intertia of nihilism) that you don't want to do anything that makes you in the least bit uncomfortable just because you are so used to having that easy pleasure, even if it causes you deep suffering in the long run. It took a long time for me to even build up the courage to go to bars or things like that. I just wasn't used to it. Social situations can still make me a bit nervous, but I try to push myself more than I used to. I don't regret ever trying drugs in the first place, because even though they have caused me a lot of unhappiness, they taught me that I have to work--really work--to find some happiness. I'm not the type of person who it comes easy to, but I think that the more that you work for something, the more meaningful it will be for you. It took me a long time to realize that. For a long time I thought that I was just cursed and that everyone who seemed or was happy was just faking it, and that only I knew the truth. I don't claim to know all the answers, but this doesn't seem like a good path, but that was my life for many years.
4.) Relationships: I won't lie. I wasn't a good social person/friend for a long time. When you are unhappy, you tend to not give a fuck about anyone else other than yourself. I want to get beyond that and try to help others and just generally be friends with others. And get closer to my family, because we tend to have a great divide and I think at the moment they have no idea at my own internal state. But I don't blame them, I hid it. And yes, this section includes girls too. That is probably the hardest thing for me other than drugs, and getting over my ex, Alex, is really the only thing in my life I've found as difficult emotionally to deal with as drug addiction (other than maybe when I had absolutely no friends when I was a freshman in college, but that might not have even been as bad). I dated her for five years, and when we broke up, that absolutely crushed me. I knew the whole time we were dating we'd one day break up, because I wasn't always the best boyfriend and we had some big trust issues because of my addiction, and I knew that when that day came I'd be absolutely devastated. I built my entire life around her. I know that sounds like a cliche, but she really was my best friend and she was just one of the few people that I completely respected and she always really cared about me no matter how much I put her through, which was a lot. And I still think she cares a lot about me, so that is saying something. But I managed to always bury that fear (which was as deep and black as you could get--that was just about my greatest fear) through drugs or just through other things. So when that day came (and I was trying to quit heroin at this time too), I just had the rug pulled out from under my feet, and it was a very difficult time, to say the least.
But anyways, I really need to just be a lot more confident with girls. What guy doesn't say that? It's just not that easy for me, not that I'm bad with them. I think I get along with them fine. I don't know. We'll see.
Anyways, sorry to bore people with such a long post, but I wanted to establish some goals for myself because it just really helps. As Mike said, we need to get this blog rolling.
--Edward
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Top Ten Places to Pick Up Your Friends
Not that any of these have happened recently, but in no particular order...
1. From an ominous visit to the clinic.
2. From the doorsteps of nondescript member of the opposite sex.
3. From the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.
4. From the adult dentention center in pajamas*.
5. From work after quitting/getting fired.
6. From a K-12 institution when either the pick-upper or pick-upee are too old for said institution
7. From the scene of a still-in-progress crime where pick-upee is either victim or perp.
8. From the Arecibo Observatory, the largest radio telescope in the world, in a helicopter (For England James? / No, for me).
9. From the friend's house at the crack of dawn, beginning a long coming-of-age road trip (doesn't have to be by way of automobile).
10. From the airport after decade plus absence.
*Pajamas are also included as a possibility in all of these pick-ups
1. From an ominous visit to the clinic.
2. From the doorsteps of nondescript member of the opposite sex.
3. From the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.
4. From the adult dentention center in pajamas*.
5. From work after quitting/getting fired.
6. From a K-12 institution when either the pick-upper or pick-upee are too old for said institution
7. From the scene of a still-in-progress crime where pick-upee is either victim or perp.
8. From the Arecibo Observatory, the largest radio telescope in the world, in a helicopter (For England James? / No, for me).
9. From the friend's house at the crack of dawn, beginning a long coming-of-age road trip (doesn't have to be by way of automobile).
10. From the airport after decade plus absence.
*Pajamas are also included as a possibility in all of these pick-ups
Blog deployed like a harpoon and tow-cable!
Welcome to the grand debut of our bright, shining star of a blog.
Strap on your britches and lets get to work.
Strap on your britches and lets get to work.
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