*Guest essay by Francisca:
I’m in my mid-twenties, I’m plain, I can be awkward, I’m kind of introverted although in the right circumstances I can be outgoing, I sometimes speak before I think, I’m constantly trying to lose weight although I don’t really need it, I never buy any new clothes since I think everything looks terrible on me, I try to eat healthy but still have slip-ups, I try to maintain a good physique, I’m a natural loner … you follow? So far I sound like the typical slightly insecure young city woman. But there’s more of course.
I recently lost my job, I’m doing terribly at school, I have a very difficult time getting new friends and maintaining the few precious ones I still have, my relationship with my family is not great at all and I have no love life to speak of – like none at all.
Basically I’m failing in every single aspect of life. There is no place where I’m ahead of the game. I feel like a loser. Yeah you’re right… I am a loser.
Now some of you are probably going to tell me how I shouldn’t feel that way and how I’m trapped in a vicious circle, in which I’m self-enhancing this loser- image of myself and so on. But honestly the facts of my life speak volumes. So far I’ve accomplished nothing in my life, nobody is proud of me and nobody cares.
So let’s get this insincere ‘oh-it-can’t-all-be-that-bad’ BS out of the way. I’m not looking for your phony reassurances. Those comments often seem to come from people who are loved-up and happy with their circumstances. In any case I’m not confirming myself as a loser, just to have you people try to dissuade me from that conviction.
One of the consequences of being a loser is that I’m afraid to embark on a love-life, because I have nothing to offer.
If I had been beautiful, it probably would be a lot easier. Then I could at least contribute to the relationship with my amazing looks. But alas, I’m not beautiful. Not witty, not smart(er), not likeable, not cute – just plain, plain, plain. When I meet new people I try to tell as little as possible about me and try to divert the attention to them, out of sheer fear that they may quickly discover how little I have to offer of anything. How bizarrely un-interesting I am. How boring I am. How unworthy I am of their time.
I’ve never been on a date, but I can just imagine how one-sided that performance would be. I would let him do all the talking and find creative ways to not talk about me.
Who am I kidding? I would not go on a date in the first place – if there is anything I know then it’s that as soon as people know how little of value I have to offer, they decide to ditch me. The few friends I still have are around because I somehow convinced them that I’m more than what I really am.
It would kill me to fall in love and know that I have nothing to give. Even worse, that the person who’s the object of my desire will discover what a loser I am and just have that look in his eyes, that attitude, that body language of pity. I wouldn’t be able to stand it.
Therefore the few times I’ve actually taken a liking to someone the solution has so far been to avoid them altogether. Trust me, it’s not their loss at all. Anybody else but me would be much better for these fantastic guys.
I cannot love anybody since I have nothing to give at all. There is nothing I can think of that would be of value to him. I cannot love anybody because I don’t love myself, however clichéd that may sound. I don’t even really like myself, so how can anybody else like me.
I’m such a loser and I know my way out of it, but just seem so incapable of doing it and the doing is everything.
I have no idea where this essay is heading… Guess I wanted to explain how justified feelings of inadequacy can lead to a non existing love-life. I really want to rise above and become less of a loser, but it’s incredibly hard. Don’t get me wrong; I yearn with every fiber of my body to be loved, but it’s impossible when I barely care about myself.
If you have some way of finishing off this blog entry, then please be my guest. Or something.
--Francisca
You.Are.My.Favorite. I will give you a better comment on this later. As Bethany has said, it's hard to think of what to comment, since words would really spoil this post of real emotion. You inspire me to write some emotional posts, which I do occasionally, but it's a tough move to put it all out there. But you did here. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteDear Edward
ReplyDeleteYeah, not the most upbeat post ever :-) But it's honest. I'm happy that you can relate, but I'm also very sad that you can relate. I wouldn't wish this state of mind on anyone and I really hope that someday you'll be able to have a much more postive outlook on life and love.
Personally I'm working on it, in fact my visit to my psychologist earlier today is what triggered me to write this post. Baby-steps and I have a long way to go.
Love, Francisca
So, are you still going to write that post about the person you like but have never met?
ReplyDeleteWow. This is tough to stomach for sure, so it has to be even tougher to write. Thank you for opening up with such brutal honesty. Because I'm trying so very hard to NOT be the person that goes "it can't be that bad", I'm going to be the person to say you cannot possibly be that plain. How do I know this? Well, I tend to think anyone who listens as much as it sounds like you do to other people to avoid talking, cannot be plain. It's the people who never stop talking about themselves that end up being more plain, more boring. Additionally, if you were truly plain, this post would be boring, but it is compelling instead. I would like to hear more about it all, people you have liked and attempts at letting them know. I'm still not the one who will say it can't be that bad or it won't be that bad, but if this helps you to write about it, I feel like cartharsis is better than numbness.
ReplyDeleteDaniel speaks the truth.
ReplyDeleteDaniel certainly DOES speak the truth, here. In all honesty-- I've been here, where you are now... I swam in the depths of self-loathing and deprecation, immersed myself in every negative aspect of my being... and I do know that hearing "It can always be worse" does nothing to pull anyone out. I won't say I sympathize since that's utterly patronizing, but I certainly empathize. You were brave to write this, and I want to thank you for opening up so deeply. That being said... I also agree that you are in no way plain. Your writing tells me otherwise.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking female to female, and as someone who's certainly on your side in this particular plight for love, I will tell you one thing I've learned along the way... All of that Oprah, self-help, self-love banter isn't entirely substantiated... I am not in full compliance with the notion that one must love themselves before they can potentially be loved. Quite the opposite has happened for me... it has been in times of my greatest, most relentless, most hopeless misery that I have experienced the most support, both platonic and romantic. Loving yourself doesn't guarantee the perfect life, and hating yourself doesn't guarantee the worst. At the end up the day you need to, at the very least, pride yourself on your writing capabilities because they are indeed moving.
Thank you for your kind and encouraging comments.
ReplyDeleteDaniel: I don't let anyone I like in a romantic fashion know about it. Ever. I'm certain he would refuse me, so there's no point in trying, unless I feel like humiliating myself some more.
Bethany: I'm happy that you had the support you had when you were at your lowest. The thing with me is, if I were not me... I would not date me. So what's the real reason anyone would care to date me? Because I can't see it and I don't believe any explanation anyway. He must either be blind, stupid or perhaps an axe-murderer.
Love, Francisca.
So what would it take the make your perception of yourself and your life ever change? Are your self-esteem problems mostly linked to some sense of sexual insecurity? You said yourself, if you were prettier, then you probably would feel like less of a loser. Do you think if you thought you were pretty you'd be happier? I'm just curious, being as I'm a guy and don't really know, just how much of a girl's happiness ties into sexual dynamics. I can say that a lot of my (but definitely not all of my) unhappiness in life comes from sexual insecurity, so I do think it really is a big deal and an important topic to address.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to echo the others here--whatever your romantic past may be, I know you are not unlikeable and unintelligent, from all that I have ever seen you write. Also, you like good movies, and that's half the fucking battle right there.
Perception? It's not perception - it's the truth.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sexy, that's for sure. I would love to have been prettier, cause then at least I would get a fair shot with men. I'm sorry to say, but facts are that men are for the most part attracted to looks, not whether I'm likeable, intelligent or write well. You're gonna tell me it's not true - but it is.
Sexual insecurity? a little, but not as much as you though. I still don't get what on earth you have to be insecure about. You're twisted, man! Snap out of it, please!
Love, Francisca.
Well, I will grant you that men do care about looks, but that is definitely not all of it. But I think that truth is ALL perception. That is of course a tricky philosophical issue that could get us ten pages of comments here, but like Awesometastic said, you kinda have to sell yourself until it becomes the truth. I'm clearly not a person to preach about that, because as you know, I don't exactly adhere to that principle, but I at least think I SHOULD.
ReplyDeleteAnd by sexual insecurity, I didn't just mean in terms of actual sex, but like....I would classify you thinking you are plain as "sexual," just because you like it to males and being lonely, etc. I didn't just mean in the bedroom. I'll snap out of it when you do!
Oh, ok. I'm kinda stumped here. You know my story, right? So how can my percaption not be true? I have a mountain of facts that prove that I'm not desirable, interesting or even worth a try. I have over 25 years worth of facts. See?
ReplyDeletePlain as in not just a sexual way, but aesthetics as well.
You look good and you've have a woman who keeps coming back to you :-P
Love, Francesca.
PS, I love how you've already spelled your "name" in different ways on here.
ReplyDeleteWell, you are a stubborn girl, but I'm telling ya, great guys would totally want you. But you have over 25 years' worth of stubbornness for me to fight through too. You're fucking European--that's all half of us Americans need, honestly. (Maybe? Maybe just me?)
europeans are very desirable
ReplyDeleteFrancisca, I think you have the support, you're just resisting it. And simply saying "If I were not me, I would not date me" doesn't make it fact... there are certainly plenty of people that would date you. I think the issue at hand here is that you need to make yourself more vulnerable, which seems absurd because how does one become even more vulnerable when they already feel exposed to the bone as I definitely did whilst down and out. You need to accept the fact that, although you hate yourself, it's too declarative a statement to say "then so does everyone else." I think the less you resist (anything and everything), the more you'll find opportunities in places you'd least expect.
ReplyDeleteEdward: That's not the only spelling mistake I did. Was in a hurry. Oh and I need to get to the US then ;-)
ReplyDeleteBethany: You have some great points! Thank you so much. Honestly, I'll be ruminating over your words now.
Love, Francisca
America opens its broad, suntanned arms to your ample European bosom.
ReplyDeleteYou know I love ya, Francisca.
ReplyDeleteI hate to say this, particularly as an anonymous lurker whom followed here from RT (and one whom risks coming across as rather creepy). But, perhaps the fulfilling relationship you crave would be more likely to materialize were you to start pursuing it more along the lines of a Master (Dom)/Slave (Sub) kind of set-up, than, say, Boyfriend/Girlfriend or Husband/Wife. For many with serious self-esteem issues, the reward/punishment dynamic of these types of relationships are often quite liberating.
ReplyDeleteSubbing under a loving, if stern master, offers a relationship with an incomparably clear, if rigid structure, with few of the undermining ambiguities of so-called "equal" partnerships; and in which the insecure party has a consistent means of releasing his/her anxieties through catharsis. Rewards for "good" behavior (i.e., gifts, special romantic engagements, etc.) can go a long way toward building self-worth and intimacy, while punishments for "bad" behavior (i.e., extreme bondage, whippings, etc.) help to build trust and assuage those inevitable, oppressive latent guilt-feelings. I have personally seen many artificial relationship barriers (or, NO-relationship barriers, as it were), born of nothing else but insecurity, come tumbling down once each party realized this means of possible personal fulfillment. (I speak this, as well, from personal experience.)
Just my attempt at offering a treatment you probably haven't yet heard from your RL or RT therapists. :) I'll disappear into thin air, now.
Whoa.
ReplyDeleteThank you dear anonymous.
ReplyDeleteYour comment is certainly interesting and, I must admit, an alluring idea. Although in my case sexual endeavours are further down the line.
Love, Francisca.
Not like I really know you, since this is the internet and all, but to me you've always come across as an interesting person. Introverted, yet sometimes outgoing, speaking before you think... that's one hell of a combination. :) Sounds like maybe there's something even more fun just below the surface, that might come out in the right situations.
ReplyDeleteJobs, school, friends- those aren't who you are, just circumstances around you. These things tend to go up and down on their own. Personally, I'm not all that happy with two out of those tree right now. But that will change as time goes by.
As for the physical stuff, it's not all about that. The right guy will be looking for more than that, and besides, I'm guessing you have a special something or two (or three) to offer there anyway- great eyes, a perfect little wisp of hair tucked behind your ear, a warm smile.
In your writing, you are open, honest, caring, smart, and funny. That counts for a lot. Plus you are European, and like movies. :)
Best of luck with all you do.
European+film-fan ftw!
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous! I didn't see your comment until now. Thanks! True, you don't know me - but your words made me blush a little anyway. Thanks for lifting my spirits a bit :-)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to you as well.
Love, Francisca.
Heavens, it's been over two years since this post? Life is a wormhole.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, not sure if Francisca (or anyone else, for that matter) will ever see this "bump". But if she is, wanted to recommend some great writings on the liberation potentialities of Master/slave relationships from a Yahoo user, should she care to explore that some time:
http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/190525/bea_amor.html
Good luck, Francisca.
Thanks for the comment, Anonymous. I will pass this onto Francisca!
DeleteThanks, Edward.
DeleteHi, Francisca! Good to hear from you after all this time. Glad to hear that, while things are still tough for you in many respects, you seem to have found some ways to help yourself better cope with struggle. Keep at it, I know you'll find your happiness.
Take care.
Hello lovelies!
ReplyDeleteIt has been 2 years... and what a difference these two years have made.
First of all: I'm still a virgin in every possible way. No handholding, no kissing, no flirting, no anything. Managed to fall for a guy, who didn't want me - and survived it perfectly.
I can still recognise the girl in this blogpost - but I'm in a much much better place now. Therapy has helped me tremendously, but my decision to take pills is the best one I've ever made in my life so far. It's like night and day.
I'm still struggling with a lot of things, but I'm not as hopeless as I used to be. Taking most things in a stride and remaining positive about the future. Don't get me wrong: I still have dark days, but somehow I managed to get through them mostly unscathed.
The dom/sub suggestion is interesting - but a love/sex life is still far far away from me. I'm pushing 30 - and of course I sometimes feel sad about my lot in life, but there's more to life than that.
Love, Francisca (obviously not my real name)
Anti-depressants FTW!
ReplyDeleteJust read this post. Awesome. If you are only 30 and not a toothless, hideous old hag of 60 youre doing fine. You have years left to do something. If you think youre unique forget it. About 80% of the world is like you. As a 40 year old unemployed person I find you have lots going for you. Count your blessings just like I do when I see 50 year old losers bemoaning their fate. As I said, you have lots and lots of time to be something. You aint seen nuthin yet kid.
ReplyDelete