Since I was young I was taught that I should have sex when I get married. The concept of having the “horizontal hula” anytime before that, especially before 18 was so absurd to me.
However one day I had to find out what everyone one day must. Most people think the “mattress mambo” is no big deal…
I remember first learning that my sister had “sunk the sailor” before she was married, I was shocked, it was impossible. Then the most surreal thing I had heard that far in life…when I was 15 I went back to visit family and friends in Brasil. As I sat there I watched as my best friend of 10 years closed the door to tell me a secret. She was also 15, and she told me she had let her boyfriend “take the skin ship to tuna town.”
When I got back to the United States I had a different view, it was almost life changing because I literally went 15 years thinking that it was not okay, in any city, state, country, to “bump uglies” before 18.
Shortly after that I met my first “real” boyfriend, who I went on to date for 4 years. I still wanted to wait until I was 18 but after feeling so terrible for 8 months for this boy who wouldn’t stop saying he loved me and feeling comfortable with someone for the first time…it happened.
I was 16 and while some might say that’s too young, it was with my first love and I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.
For me it’s not the age anymore, it has nothing to do with the age (of course I am saying this for those who AREN’T 12 or 13…that’s just gross…) it has to do with the person, and whether or not you are mature enough to handle it.
I feel like people now don’t give much thought to who they sleep with. One night stands, casual sex, friends with benefits, etc… It all seems wrong to me, as in FOR me. While I don’t judge others for doing such things, and I honestly don’t think any less of them I just would never do it myself.
The second person I had sex with I was, and am in love with also. It took a long time but it was worth the wait. Although I figured it would be romantic and…sweet I guess?....what I got instead was just as good. The whole thing was hilarious, I mean not in a bad way…that sounds bad….we just had fun, and made jokes about it….during it? Is that wrong? Anyway that’s really not my point…
My point is that as a 21 (almost 22) year old female I see sex a lot like I did when I was 10. I see it as something that I’d only enjoy with “someone that matters” as I told Matt years ago, leading him to take it personally and make fun of me for it for months to come. I see sex as something that is way more enjoyable with someone you connect and are comfortable with. While I can’t say from experience that a one night stand wouldn’t be as good, I’m pretty confident it wouldn’t be. I know It would be anything but fulfilling at least.
I know everyone else will strongly disagree so I’m ready for it, GO:
PS: Someone write about the men can't be friends with women thing.
Thanks for posting. I forget when I lost my virginity exactly--I was either 17 or 18. I have no regrets about either waiting that long or doing it that soon (depending upon how you look at it--although in our currently society, it's basically waiting that long).
ReplyDeleteI've never had a one-night stand in my life. I'm not against them per se, but they wouldn't work for me either (or probably not friends with benefits either), just because I know me and my personality, and I would get attached easily. And I'm going out on a limb here to say that the sex (for me) would not be as good, since there is nothing like good relationship sex. However, I think whether the sex is good or not just depends on the physical connection you have with the person, so I suppose that could be there from the get-go.
I think our country has a strange view of sex in comparison to other Western countries (Europe being the usual example). Throughout our history we have demonized sex more than violence and other things. Why this is, I'm not sure. Our Puritan roots? I know I almost even have some sort of guilt-fear-hatred linked to sex and desire in my own psychology, and I wonder if that is because of how our culture is. It's crazy how you can slap an NC-17 rating on a movie for showing only somewhat graphic sex, yet you can have torture-porn movies that are R-rated. Why is our country so uncomfortable with sex? That's clearly changing (for the better), in comparison to what it was several decades ago, but why were we so behind the times?
A lot of times people say that is how we've viewed it religiously--that "original sin" has been linked to the female and to sex in Christianity. But Europe is predominantly Christian, and yet takes a more liberal attitude towards sex than us. I'm not sure what it is.
WHAT THE HELL? You told me that I was your first.
ReplyDeleteOh shush. You should be happy you were just my second and last. :)
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting how sex vs. violence is characterized in our culture, because even though we may be behind the times in terms of being comfortable with sex in movies enough to rate them differently or we (being US society) generally frowns upon a lot of things sexually that Europe or other cultures might not, sex is still everywhere in our advertising and popular culture - most any dance song can get pretty graphic without a passing thought from those listening. We use it to sell and stimulate and then demonize and exploit those in the spotlight being promiscuous. I think the US wants to have both, be pure and innocent while sexy and experienced, and it never works out. We seem to like to pretend to ourselves a lot of things more than other cultures.
ReplyDeleteAs for one night stands, I've not against them, and I have had them, but neither were very fulfilling or enjoyable for me as sex with someone I care about. And I guess while we're dishing out, I lost my virginity at 18, also on society's slow side, but perhaps still sooner than many others, and like Edward I don't regret the timing of it. This was while I was in a relationship as I had similar feelings as Becca talked about, wanting it to be with someone I cared about.
I think that sex is viewed as both something taboo and as such a fantasy thing in our society just because of the long-standing history of demonizing it in comparison to other cultures, which makes it all the more tantalizing, like the fruit of the forbidden tree in Eden. Because we make it seem forbidden, it becomes more enticing, and advertisers and other people in the entertainment industry use this to their advantage to make money. Because they seem to be taking power over this country after Christianity's long hold, our normative sexuality is now becoming akin to the advertiser's brand of sexuality, since that is where most of our experience with it comes from (certainly before we actually have it).
ReplyDeleteSo, in a sense, our view of sexuality has always been perverted in one way or another by those in power, whether they are puritanical Christians or money-starved capitalists. I think there are elements of this everywhere else in the world, but like all things American, we take it to the max.
The portion I was most focused on: "Although I figured it would be romantic and…sweet I guess?....what I got instead was just as good. The whole thing was hilarious, I mean not in a bad way…that sounds bad….we just had fun, and made jokes about it….during it? Is that wrong? Anyway that’s really not my point…"...... haha, I'd like you to please go on, Becca.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I feel that age and timing mean something different to us all in terms of one's virginity. I felt acutely aware of my own sexuality from an extremely young age, but didn't act on it until much later in my early adulthood. Sex also means something definitively different to each of us, and I've never felt the want to judge others for their sexual choices in terms of age, frequency, behaviors, etc. I'm more or less a strong proponent of the notion that we all focus too heavily on sex as a life-determining factor.
Hahaha I will...on private chat hahahah matt won't approve otherwise although he did say he'd write about me in a weird way. But I do agree that it depends on the person and I also don't judge anyone for what they want to do. I just think women also need to understand that men lose respect for them when they act a certain way. If you sleep with a guy right sway before getting to know them at least a little they will not respect you, truth?
ReplyDeleteThat depends.
ReplyDelete"I just think women also need to understand that men lose respect for them when they act a certain way.".... see, now that idea just infuriates me (not you saying it, Becca, but the fact that it's true on some level or else it wouldn't continually be perpetuated). I won't go into a Post-Modernistic Feminist rant regarding gender as a social construction and womens' subordination having no single meaning or cause... BUT, I will say that in terms of gender, far more is demanded of females in terms of purity, innocence, acquiescence, and overall complaisantness. Refer to the "Loud Woman vs. Loud Man" phenomena. I'd also like Edward to divulge further in his assertion of, "that depends."
ReplyDeleteWell honestly if a guy sleeps with a bunch if girls randomly I wouldn't want to pursue anything with him. So I guess it can go for both genders on some level.
ReplyDeleteIt depends on the guy. And hell yes, of course a lot more is demanded of female purity.
ReplyDeleteI'd say it depending of the motivation. For example I've had plenty of one night stands, and like Daniel said, they were never really all that satisfying. I would never date somebody who would have sex with me on the first date. Because deep down we all want a partner who we can respect and who gives us something exclusively.
ReplyDeleteI personally lose respect for somebody if this happens, but I've always assumed the same goes for them. I feel like in a "fuck on the first date" kind of situation both parties view it as just that and don't really want to pursue a romantic relationship. This has nothing to do with somebody's past, more or less the fact they would bang me without having to know my name. That's what I'm judging them on. I mean Christ why they fuck would anybody do that?