Topic of the Month (August): RELIGION....Edward's Picks for the Top 10 Religion Band Names of All Time*

*This list was created during the fabled "Interludes" period (during my freshman year of college) in my multi-part, thousand-page-long band name commentary entitled "Updated Name Commentary." The Interludes, consisting of various lists paying homage to the great band names of high school, were written by me as I waited for Daniel to uncover the treasure trove of post-Greg's House high school lists. I was absolutely and hopelessly addicted to commentary-writing at that point, so I could not stand to wait for him to go home on a college break to find one of his many overflowing folders full of band names. So I made best-of lists chronicling the history of band names up until that point in time (meaning up until where I had commented on, since in real time we were already working on college lists, I believe, although we might not have started yet...it's a hazy time period). (DISCLAIMER HERE) So NO, technically this isn't a list of the all-time greatest religion names, since it only covers up to a certain period, but you get my drift. Maybe as a special treat for Religion Month Daniel or another writer will detail the best religion names made after this time period. (END DISCLAIMER) Back on track: in honor of August, month of religion and "volatility," I am republishing my list of the top ten religion names.

Okay, ye who are unacquainted with our "band names" (no, they are not actually real rock band names), you are probably wondering just what the fucking shiite ol' Eduardo is talking about right now. Let me do some more quoting (since I'm a bit lazy to actually describe for myself right now) and paste here what Daniel had to say about the genesis of the band name (note that this is a Facebook version of Daniel's explanation; I will provide the real explanation just as soon as he finds it, Allah willing): "Dedicated originally for creating band names, now a band name or 'name' is really as long as an encyclopedia, as short as a single word, or as medium as a paragraph. They can be full fledged epics, fleeting thoughts, a name of a person, a moment in time, a title, a short story, or words that just sound good together. They're generally but definitely not restricted to fiction. Basically, write anything worth reading."

Here is another Daniel-explanation, perhaps the one I was originally looking for, about what band names are to us: "During a slow going study hall not unlike any other, we assembled together and begin to banter about nothing consequential. Somehow the subject of band names came up as one among us had actually been in a band, as he had some legitimate artistic talent. Debate over what would make a good band name was thrown about, so I decided to try and publish it by tossing out a piece of paper and seeing what we could get done. The group jumped on it as a way to pass the time and soon we had a decent list of band names from the childish to the cerebral and back again. I pushed for this to continue until we had a few lists together and then we recruited our most enthusiastic participant and later critic. He grabbed the list and scribbled down a phrase likely not as possible for a band name for its sheer length. But no one objected of course and gradually we pushed outwards from the constraints of how people generally think of band names. It soon became a medium for anything on your mind, whether it was a jumble of non-sequitor words made hilarious by their combination or two or three eloquently constructed sentences about poop. There was talk of making whatever the best name we’d written our actual band name for an actual band. But like many endeavors the planning and brainstorming was miles more fun than actually trying to run with just one name and create a novelty band.

"So we kept running with it, throwing together lists whenever groups gathered. Our writing among groups was pure and vulnerable to salivating crowd surrounding the list (it didn’t help that it was lunch). We’d feed off one another by either carrying on the energy of one writer or making a point to completely contrast the present forces set in motion. Eventually, high school ended as it must and should, and we were left to isolated name-writing from our college dorms. This period only added to the extreme breadth and depth of the band name writing realm that we’d fashioned from its beginnings on scrap paper."

And without further ado, I will move onto what I promised in the post title--my top ten religion names! Here ya go:

The Top Ten Religion Names of All-Time

A sacred category of writing that only the most humble and faithful of authors wrote in, and even then, only with the utmost care and respect, religion names were actually the battlefield of either authors like me looking for tasty characters (like God) and situations, or Zack West, who seemed to write about religion only because he thought that it was controversial and would make him a courageous playboy who the ladies hung on to and the fellas envied. He was wrong, and to be fair, it was pretty hard to make an actual controversial name what with our audience of heartless bastards, but it wasn’t impossible. Not exactly the finest style of names ever, most of us didn’t really delve into the genre too seriously, but sometimes we’d just put out one involving God or Jesus once in a while, and quite a few of those were funny. And no, I’m not including Christmas names on this list.
Honorable mention: Singleterry had his eyes sewed shut and the next day God appeared for a special treat for the village people, the doctors took out the strings but the weasel snuck out with the eyes…ha, he thought they were testicles.: God’s appearance in here only seems to be as a random guest character (similar to many of mine), and it doesn’t really deal that much with religion, but I had to stick this one on here somewhere. I love the idea of God appearing as a “special treat,” though, adding a lively sense of appeal to it.
Honorable mention: God finally found a person he could play chess with in the form of “Pop ‘n’ Scotch” Veronica and that juicy intellect of hers: a pretty random storyline by me, I liked the idea of God possessing such stupendous intellectual abilities that he could find no match in the universe with which to challenge himself. On along comes “Pop ‘n’ Scotch” Veronica and he’s finally met his match. I thought of the stupidest, most teeny-bopper name for the girl as I could to add a nice twist, and “juicy intellect of hers” almost signified that God would eat her brain if she actually did beat him, but I think this one was a nice little name of mine.
10.) Mormons: I was a little surprised when I realized I had chosen to go for a one-worder, and this was the first one of this length since all the way back on the study hall lists, but I couldn’t think of anything better to say about Mormons other than, well, just “Mormons.” Hugely open to interpretation, I think that’s what makes this one so good. It was an innovative take and a relatively innovative subject, and you can’t say it was tasteless, because it really had nothing to say. One I hold pretty dear in my heart, I’m not so sure how others liked it, but I swear, the more I hear about Mormons in real life, the more true this one rings in my ears.
9.) Jesus was the king of men, Jèsus Gonzales was a sex offender serving time in State Penn.: Ryan went for a nice twist on this one striking both religion and race in one blow. It doesn’t deal that closely with religion, but as you’ll see, not many names on this list do. Nice use of “State Penn.” showing off some streetwise sentiments, and I also like “the king of men” part.
8.) God made me what I am—a stepchild of myth: showcasing the overwhelming arrogance of some religious fellows who believe that they form a special link in “God’s plan,” this one wasn’t obnoxious, however, but a strange and charming contribution of mine. I think when I wrote it, I kinda wanted the other people around to actually think that I was the narrator in here (at the time, there weren’t many first-person names, so that wasn’t too unreasonable) as opposed to just a random character of mine, and maybe get the others freaked out by it and help the name. Who’s to say I’m not a stepchild of myth anyways? This one is fairly short, but I think every word in here helps it, and it was a fine name. I like the matter-of-fact innocence of it, and the fake-grand scale of it.
7.) -WHERE’S YOUR GOD NOW SALLY??!!-, -Jesus, Jonathan she’s a three year old for Christ’s sake!-: Daniel’s thrilling conclusion to the History/Lunch List lit up the eyes of everyone present when his pen left the paper and he turned the list around smugly so that everyone could read and gasp. I wish we planted a hidden camera that day at lunch to see what his face was doing while the others read it. I’m not sure about how much of this has to actually do with believing in God, but I love the excessive anti-religious sentiments of the first person. You’re lead along to kinda agree with him, because sometimes people can get a little bit out of hand when it comes to Christianity, but Daniel added a nice conclusion when you find out Mr. Psycho is yelling at a three-year-old. As I said above, this is a thrilling name, and one of Daniel’s most classic.
6.) Left to his own devices, big jerk Jeremiah wiped his butt with torn out Bible pages: I’m not sure exactly what this one is supposed to mean—is Jeremiah just putting up a religious front to fool the imbeciles? (is he even religious?) does he like the Bible so much that he uses it in the bathroom?—but it clearly deals with the Book of God pretty handily right off the bat, and it certainly works because of its somewhat shocking nature, so this is the third appearance of Daniel’s potent Sticker List name on my lists so far. Keep your head up in the future—it just might show up again.
5.) Religion blows: probably the flagship of the religion names, this one makes my list so high up more for that than its quality. Its luster has faded somewhat to a dull yet soothing glow, but I still remember the smug look on my face when I wrote it (not altogether too distant from Daniel’s look that I talked about above), and this one was bound to go down in history, simply because there weren’t all that many blunt names on the lists when it came to topics like this. Sure, there were lots of obvious ones about people being gay or moronic crap like that, but there just weren’t that many about honestly meaningful topics. I wanted this said with a distinct and clear voice, and I wanted something terribly simple, and I think ultimately this one was worth it to write, no matter how much or little critical appeal it’ll ever get.
4.) Sherman Williams the preacher thought he lost the bet, but then he realized his life was already over: I’m really not sure at all how much Daniel meant for this one to be about the man’s faith, but I absolutely love the negative tone that drenches this one to the bone. Starting off negative already with the man thinking he lost a bet, it dips into depression when you find out he’s already dead. It could perhaps be seen as a fitting end for a preacher who gambles, but for some reason I just find myself drifting over towards this one among the field of names from the New England time. The hidden appeal of it is that no matter how doom-filled and morbid it seems, it hints at the suggestion that maybe death isn’t all that bad in the end, and might be an escape from our everyday worries. There isn’t anything scary or fearful at the end when Sherman realizes he’s dead, and despite its bleak exterior, I think it has a soft heart somewhere inside there.
3.) The school picnic was finally here and all the school children were eager to take a taste at the kool-aid that was made only once a year. Timberland was caught in the school oven douching himself with it and talking like Jesus. Looks like he’ll be servin’ life!: the role of “talking like Jesus” is small in this set piece, but the whole thing seems like a sort of pseudo-religious ritual to me, but more one by extremely organized islanders or tribal people to me than any sort of Western religion. The “kool-aid that was made only once a year” seems to be particularly sacred here, and perhaps Timberland became so entranced by the heady brew that he went crazy in the school oven with it. It’s clearly some strong stuff (I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on a batch of that shit, but clearly we’d have to go through great lengths to procure some). And there seems to be a steep price, as shown by the last sentence, for stepping out of line in that society. On good names like this, Greg created whole worlds for us to explore.
2.) When told by the prophet God meant for him to be crucified, Jesus responded, “That two timing whore”: Zack’s last line comes very close to breaking the mood in this one, but you can’t help but notice the biblical-epic style from early on. I love how Jesus goes to a simple, garden-variety prophet to find out his master’s plans for him. One of the few that deals with religious events head on, it gains momentum from using history and putting it into context along with some dirty slang. Among Zack’s best names ever, it’s also one of the best religious ones ever.
1.) Rembrant was in agonizing pain from his sexual disease he obtained at age 9 and saw the light. Hoping for Jesus he walked towards it only to have flames consume his body.: going along with the sin-and-consequence scenario of Sherman Williams, this one improves upon it by setting the stakes considerably higher with Rembrant being in “agonizing pain” and at the end walking into the flames of hell (presumably). It’s hilarious to think of Rembrant getting the STD at age nine, then lying bedridden the rest of his life in an uptight, stodgy family home, whose occupants passed by his quarters every morning with shameful sideways glances towards the sinner of the family. When this came out, it was something completely new, because of its highly thoughtful scenario and style of humor, and it’s one of the classics of our time. This was one of Greg’s first twist endings, an omen for the rest of the night, and it served as good motivation for me to kick myself in the ass and step up my writing.

--Edward