God?

That's a tough one. I guess it’s mostly because for me, “God” is incredibly difficult to define. The sense that I’ve gotten from Christianity growing up, from going to a Presbyterian church (chosen by my parents because they seemed to like the minister) and even to a church camp with my grandma and sister a couple summers, God is basically who you go to when everything gets quiet. In the sermons and scriptures he doesn’t appear to be your poker buddy as much as he is your local judge, your policeman, or your mom. When things get serious, you go to him. Usually it seemed like these serious things had to do with being down on your luck, going the wrong direction in life, or begging for forgiveness. But the seriousness didn’t stop there. It also spread to good fortune, thanking the Lord for everything, praising the Lord for existence, and owing all your great accomplishments to the Lord, for you couldn’t have done it without him.

And yet, growing up, all these things never appealed to me as what I found to be essential in my idea of God. I always considered him, if he did exist, to have the best sense of humor, understanding, and even empathy out of anyone. I considered him to be able to help me out like a friend would rather than a cop. But God would be even more than that. I think the last time I really tried to define him was at church camp in an exercise where you write a letter to God and the camp waits a couple years, then sends it back to you (reading anything for the first time years after you've written in it is a pretty good exercise). I remember making God almost a sort of ultimate conscience. God would be something that would keep everything centered within you and never be too forceful or overwhelming. God would give you peace.

In a lot of ways I believe that God exists for people in this way, that he gives people peace, and I tend to respect that incarnation of God much more than say one who deals with elements outside of yourself like wars, famine, destruction, and people as a whole. However, I can’t seem to find it as easy to define and then believe in God in this way anymore. Over time the amount of my thoughts and memories that fade and flood together increases, making it even harder to dwell on something beyond the already muddling consciousness of someone gone from childhood when it all seem so clear regardless of whether it made sense. It takes considerable effort for me to try and imagine something beyond existence now, but I certainly can never take away that slight possibility that something is present. I almost feel like it’s more reasonable to leave a slight chance than rule it out completely. It seems our consciousness bases itself on this sort of chance, constantly using that opening to make connections even on basic levels to connect the things we learn in life, like language or math. Our brain will inevitably push for that bit of imagination to see things differently so as to always remind us that we have stepped out of the picture to look back in, that we are self aware and even capable of contemplating alternatives to existence. I think that if I didn’t have that capability, like if I were a dog or a rock, I wouldn’t have a problem ruling out God as a possibility (because I couldn’t contemplate there being options in life and conscious decisions between them). The decision would be made for me. Rocks don't seem to have existential loose ends like that.

It’s strange though, that I almost take comfort in my inherent desire to believe in God when I can reason that it’s just my nature to do this instead of being from any actual proof of God’s existence. I like it because when I’m living and functioning on the inside looking out, it’s what is inherent and believed that matters, not whether or not it’s real. Like the guidance counselor on Freaks and Geeks said, “I believe I’m cool, so all of the sudden, I am cool.” Regardless of how dopey and foolish it seems to be able to see through your own faith, if you actually have faith, nothing else matters.

For my own faith, I feel I have to leave it open ended, to have faith that matter exists, that I am a part of that whole, and for whatever reason, that is enough (and all there could ever be). This is why some sort of figure, “God”, is difficult to place in this schema. A lot of the time I feel like “God” could best be thought of as what makes us able to contemplate anything, or our consciousness. But then I feel like it should extend to all life forms, not just the self-aware, until eventually I feel like it should extend to all forms in general. God is essentially everything without actually being anything. He is a presence more than he is an entity, a process more than a result, and an idea more than a concept. God is the silence before you know whether someone is going to answer or not. Hello?