childword sagasmithery: burnt sienna vs. raw umber

Sometimes the sound and sight of words alone, regardless of their meaning, can be so infuriating that you wish you never grew eyes to read them or ears to hear them. It sounds extreme, but not in the case of two seemingly innocent but inherently diabolical Crayola crayons. Especially when you are six years old, sitting in a first grade classroom, and you have no idea what sienna or umber are, let along their burnt and raw variations, respectively.

I envision a conversation like this taking place:

Five Star General Crayton Yola: I'm assembling an elite team for a project. Code name: "Box of 64." They say your the best, and I need the best.
PFC Burnt Sienna: Who's asking?
FSGCY: The President of the United States.
Seargant Raw Umber: ::takes a drag of the last third of a cigar:: We're mercenaries, not soldiers.
Sienna: You heard him. We're done with SEALs, Army Rangers, and Delta Force, Blue Angels, and VR Troopers--though VR was some heavy shit.
General: I'm well aware. But this ain't no Tiger Cub retreat. This is black ops. I need you to confuse the absolute shit out of kindergarten students looking to use shades of brown.
Umber: Now we're talking.
Sienna: Lock and load.

My childhood was scarred by a confusion between the two colors. To this day, I honestly don't know the difference. I am almost certain this is why I decided to discontinue art classes. A deep-seated disgust for the nomenclature of these particular shades of brown-beige-dark orange.

Burnt Sienna debuted in 1949. I'm convinced that the Fifties were the heyday of Burnt Sienna. Back then, it was the new kid on the block. A baby boomer, very earthy, hardworking. It knew the pain of fire, having been burnt and all. Tested, weathered, and proven. A real color of the people. Had a three-bedroom house, two kids, a white fence, and a golden retriever. But then, something happened.

In 1958, along came Raw Umber. It was like Burnt Sienna, but before it was bathed in molten lava. It was young, fresh, and flashy. In a word: raw. Just like Facebook to Xanga. Things did not go well at first. The relationship was tumultuous. Eventually, there was a reconciliation though, then friendship, and this ultimately led to co-conspiratorial partnership to confuse children and drive them away from the fine arts.

A bit of etymology:

According to Wikipedia (citation needed), sienna and umber are "two types of clay earth pigments, naturally occurring minerals, principally iron oxides,that have been used since prehistoric times as pigments." Now, why on earth it would have made sense to use "burnt sienna" and "raw umber" as names for crayons to be used my children ages 2-10 remains a mystery to me. And that makes me angry.

Burnt Sienna is described as "a warm mid brown color." Ok. Raw umber is described as the "color of the raw natural clay earth pigment." I have no idea what that means. Still.

Raw Umber was retired in 1990. However, burnt sienna is alive and well. And guess what? In a freakishly, Alien vs. Predator-inspired plot twist, something new has developed. Bursting forth from the chest of the dying Raw Umber is none other than Raw Sienna.

The Predalien of crayons and the nightmare to my nightmare.