How Adult Are You?

After some early morning banter about the habits of adults and adultoids, why don't we take a look at the top ten adult habits and characteristics, and you can find out once and for all how ADULT you wound up!

10. FORMAL OUTDOOR WEAR - Are you prepared to go out on the town with a client? Or are you ready to impress your date with the job that your 6-foot long peacoat says you have? Do you find yourself in the great outdoors but still desperately afraid of getting brush and earth fodder on your garmet because you paid a shitload to look this good beyond the almost-as-great-but-not-so-great indoors?

9. OCCUPATION-BASED INTRODUCTIONS - Is it 100% likely that you're going to have to try and give a crash-course what you DO on a daily basis FOR A LIVING within the first ten seconds of an introduction to a stranger? Do you find yourself even asking other people what they do within the first ten seconds because you're scared you will be judged on not having an appropriately adult and productive conversation? Do you find yourself talking about what you do to people more than you've ever even thought to yourself about what you do? Is there inevitably an implied lead-in to whether or not you are satisfied with said work, and what you are going to do to fix that (because you won't be allowed to say you're honestly satisfied with your current work)?

8. CIGARETTES - You've already had a pot of coffee, a few beers, some non-descript pharmaceutical products, some form of sex, and you still need a buzz? Are you looking for that smoooooth, nerve-calming, stress deterent in the form of a rolled up sleeve of tobacco? Need something that goes with everything, gets you out of an awkward situation, and lets you finally occupy that fidgeting, time-ticking space that keeps reappearing in life?

7. DATES OF IMPORTANCE - Do you find yourself constantly worrying about (instead of celebrating or being indifferent to) holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and days of massive obligation? Are you stressed just thinking about days like these approaching at this moment? Are you enjoying the normal non-event days exponentially more than the days you are considered a bad person if you don't get off your ass and recognize the occasion?

6. FALLING ASLEEP ALWAYS - Is everything a yawner these days? When did 9 PM start feeling like 4 AM? Have you noticed that time has changed from being like a river into being like one big fog, and all you know is you just want to fucking sleep? Are you asleep right now?

5. BILLS/TAXES/DEBT - Has it become second-hand to stop trying to count the exact amount you owe in dollars, but in degrees of fucked-in-the-ass? Have you started to curse on a regular basis these vaguely enormous, intangible, and inevitably ambiguous entities that you owe your life's worth in dollars and change to?

4. DINNER PARTIES/ENTERTAINING GUESTS - Have various shindigs, socials, and gatherings with large amounts of loosely bound adults become your main form of social interaction? When was the last time you've learned and forgotten so many names within such a short span of time... never? Have you noticed yourself developing a sixth sense each time you enter a room for the safest corner to not be bothered, the other guy/girl who feels the same awkwardness as you, or the nearest exit/closest free beverage and/or food? Do you suddenly have the urge (read: need) to get immediately and irrevocably tanked?

3. NEWS/MORNING PAPER - Name the latest developments in Afghanistan, on Capitol Hill, the Gaza Strip, Darfur, or the condition of Haiti and New Orleans. Did you frown or show a look of stress or disgruntlement at any of these? Are these articles and large print photos the best way for you to tell the days apart? Is it the only way? Do you have personal relationships with each news anchor and notice the incoming and outgoing trends in their wardrobes? Are you salivating thinking about the overloaded, fatty weekend edition?

2. WEATHER - If everything looks bleak around you, do you just opt out of discussing anything remotely relevant to the daily grizzind and choose something so intensely and extremely mild? meaning: the weather. "Say, Fargis, it's a bit cooler this morning than the last 900 mornings, what are your thoughts on that?" "Well Don, the front's on the move and Weatherlady Kathy told me last night that we're going to be seeing a lot of that in the coming year, you know grays and blues, some blue-grays and some grayer-blues; like I tell my wife every morning, 'It's all in the Farmer's Almanac, honey.'"

1. COFFEE - Is this black liquid your lifeblood? Can you not wake up without pouring yourself a good mammoth-strength cup of Joe? Do you find yourself arguing with other coffee beaners the subtle nuances of the office kitchen's french roast? How many brands and model numbers of coffee machines can you name? Do you find yourself using the "still haven't had my coffee" excuse 3-5 times a day? Would you kill someone for a cup of coffee?

Take a tally of the ones that applied to you and throw that number out the window, because you already are an adult for reading this - the bonus #11 habit/characteristic of adults is enjoying petty humor at life's little trials (and then emailing it to your coworkers and family and friends). I hate to think what level I am for writing this.