Mr. Tyson: Boxer, Felon... Pigeon Racer?

As we usher in the final days of Sports Month on DiMB, I must apologize to you for a truly underwhelming amount of posts. I know how much you all (really, only Dan) wanted me to write about all kinds of sports and interesting sports related things. I blame TFCHs for winning the super bowl, undermining all my predictions and gambling, and sending me into an anti-sports tailspin. Truthfully, that has nothing to do with it; I’m just a lazy fucktard. But without further ado I’ll get onto another topic.

The entertainment gods have smiled on us once again: Mike Tyson has his very own TV show. The show will air on Animal Planet, debuting a week from Sunday (set your DVRs now). Now you are probably very confused as to why this particular station is airing Iron Mike’s reality TV debut, but I’ll get into that later. First I’d like to look at some of the more interesting professional and personal highlights of ‘The Baddest Man Alive.”

Mike Tyson is easily the most polarizing sports figure that we have ever known, and maybe of all time. He is one of the most prominent and successful heavyweight boxers of all time. He is also a prominent cultural figure with his antics, noticeable lisp and unmistakable appearance. Throughout his career he has been admired, loved, hated, feared, and pitied. Often times all of this at once. He has kept a fan base captive with exciting bouts, record breaking knock outs, historic upsets and disgusting DQs. In his personal life he has been nothing short of pure insanity, pulling his fans along for one of the rockiest roller coasters ever imagined.

Now lets walk through an abridged version of Mike’s Life:

- Born in 1966 in a very impoverished, crime-ridden neighborhood in Brooklyn

-Had first fight sometime between 10-12 years old when a bully kills his pet pigeon (cue Animal Planet)

-By age 13, he accumulated 38 arrests

-Won first 28 professional fights. Twenty-six knock outs, sixteen in first round (including a record 8 seconds)

-Married an actress under the false idea that she was pregnant. Wife later described to Barbara Walters that being married to Mike is “pure hell.” Divorce followed not long after.

-Accumulated all 3 heavy weight title belts, a feat that had never been done before. Lost them in 1990 to 42-1 long-shot Buster Douglas. Tyson’s first career loss (37-1).

-At 25, convicted of rape of an 18-year old beauty queen. Serves 3 years in jail. Converted to Islam. Really.

-Began comeback career. Bit off Evander Hollyfield’s ear.

-Got married again. This one stuck for a full 5 years before being served papers for adulterous activities.

-Announced: "I'm the best ever. I'm the most brutal and vicious, the most ruthless champion there has ever been. No one can stop me. Lennox is a conqueror? No! I'm Alexander! He's no Alexander! I'm the best ever. There’s never been anyone as ruthless as me. I'm Sonny Liston. I'm Jack Dempsey. There's no one like me. I'm from their cloth. There is no one who can match me. My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want his heart! I want to eat his children! Praise be to Allah!"

-Pioneers Face Tattoos for everyone. Thanks, Mike.

-Filed for bankruptcy, despite having earned $30M the previous year, and $300M in his career

-Retired at 50-6 overall. (Realistically 52-4 if you count a few No Contests and ignore the last two injured bouts, which I do.)

-Arrested again. This time on drug charges as he nearly hit a police officer with his car and announced, ‘I’m on drugs and have a cocaine problem.’

-Daughter Exodus, 4, died in an accident. Ten days later Tyson marries his girlfriend. This was not a pre-planned ceremony. He also announced he’s become a vegan at this time.

-Appears in the Hangover, and on the View (because, ya know, he’s the prototypical guest for that show). Lands his own show, “Flying with Tyson.”

Obviously, Iron Mike’s career is a fantastic account of how to be a lunatic, with some fantastic boxing thrown in. In total he’s had eight children (Milan, Morocco, Exodus, Miguel, Mikey, and D’Amato to name a few). He has also received a face tattoo, changed religions in prison, and developed the most frightening trash talking ever known. Only Mike Tyson can follow the tragic event of losing a child with a shotgun wedding. At times he has announced that his life is ‘a total and complete waste.’ He also ‘wants to be humble at all times,’ while considering himself ‘the greatest ever.’ He’s a truly entertaining phenomenon, and his show will be phenomenal as a result.

As I understand it, the show centers on Pigeons, his first love. Apparently growing up in Brooklyn, the pudgy, awkward Mike Tyson loved and cared for pigeons he found along the streets. His life forever changed when a bully killed one of his pigeons, and while seeking revenge for his friend, Mike discovered it was easy for him to knock that kid out. The rest is history. After retiring, he began to raise a whopping total of 350 pigeons at his home, and began racing them. This is where Animal Planet steps in. I have no idea what this show is going to do to fill a full season, or even a full episode. Maybe Mike freaks out at a Pigeon Race and starts punching people and birds alike. Maybe he sits down and has talks with the birds and fully believes them to be responding. Maybe he and his pets do drugs together. I don’t know, have no idea. The only thing that is guaranteed about this show is that I’ll be watching, and I hope you do too.

I will leave you with this bit, posted by Animal Planet about the show:

Despite the boxer's criminal record, Animal Planet realized some people overlooked his past -- and decided his magnetism typecasts him for reality TV. His cameo in the 2009 comedy "The Hangover" only amped up his appeal.

Of course, in pure Tyson fashion, he later admitted to taking the role to fuel a drug habit. He is a cauldron of contradictions. There's kindness and violence. Chaos and calm. Humility and hubris. Pugilism and -- now we learn -- pigeons.