Salutations, Show 'n Tell, Some Suggestions--- watch out, she's a doozy.

          Well, well, well…. I have certainly been nothing but lazily absent from this blog for the last few months, now haven’t I? Tsk, tsk, tsk. The only excuse I can even begin to offer is that… well… sometimes life happens. We don’t choose our misfortunes, our rough patches, or our ruts, but we can indubitably choose how we react to and work through those said troubles. So, to jump right into airing some of my dirty laundry out (so as to no longer feel the awkward presence of an unmentioned elephant in the room, even if I’m the only one who can actually sense its presence), I’ll go ahead and divulge a little: for me  (and most definitely this time around in particular, seeing as I’ve battled many diverse demons over the last 20 years), I really allowed myself to fall down the proverbial rabbit hole, head first, eyes closed, arms at my side, without even attempting to muster up even an iota of mental or physical or emotional or spiritual strength to crawl back out. This is the first time I can actually look back (since I’m already doing better) and say definitively that there were times I really didn’t think I’d make it out of everything as the same person I was before. I’m not nearly as brave as Edward, and I’m certainly more bashful than most when it comes to my particular brands of problems, but I can say that I’ve truly had such a bizarre, upsetting, and surreal last few months; and that’s certainly not to say they’ve been all “bad”... that’s the thing about mental health diagnoses that most people fail to see since they’re so busy viewing things in a black and white, all or nothing manner when it comes to psychology: the majority of mental health diagnoses are not permanent, they are not terminal, and even at your worst, you don’t necessarily experience your symptoms 24/7, that’s most certainly a myth. This is probably why many, including my own family members and close friends, had a hard time (and still have a hard time) “buying” all of this hullabaloo, because, firstly they think psychology is just a pseudo-science (seriously though, since when did everyone become a Scientologist that distrusted any and all FDA approved medications that have the ability to truly help someone who is in mental pain? Did I miss some nation-wide drink the kool aid party?), and secondly, they see me, as many do, with a smile on my face every day so it is simply assumed that because I appear to be happy and funny, than everything is okay. Again, mental health issues are not the stereotypical Hollywood circa 1995 depicted jokes wherein the girl cries into her pillows day and night in strategically placed virginal lingerie without eating or showering or communicating with anyone or anything except her tape player (blasting Boyz ii Men, undoubtedly).  As a quick example here (to disprove this ill-informed judgment), I could be (for instance) experiencing physically debilitating or emotionally paralyzing symptoms as a direct result from my particular problems, and yet I could still find peaceful moments and pure solace throughout my days wherein I appreciate the littlest of things—the sun warming my face as I close my tired eyes and look up towards the sky,  the autumnal chill sneakily creeping  in as my big protector star holds the harsh wind off as long as she can...I relish the primal satisfaction I am overwhelmed with after a delicious crunch from a golden maple leaf sings out stridently beneath the trepidations of my foot…  a tangerine tinged harvest moon glows incandescently ,  inspiring a choir of cadent crickets and an opus of orchestral owls to instinctively, harmoniously serenade the starry night sky. These darling little details of my sometimes poetic existence are purely simple, tangible, and immediately sensed, making it easier for me to stay in the present moment, in nature, and not allowing my exhaustedly burnt out mind to run rampantly  through the never-ending maze of self-loathing fears and anxieties. Being able to acknowledge, and most importantly, appreciate the bigger, more substantial aspects of my adulthood were much harder to accomplish, even with the help of therapy and the support from those closest to me. It honestly was not that I was ever, even for a second, unappreciative or dismissive of my loved ones; I just always selfishly chose to dwell and flail and drown alone in a pool of delusional, daily self-deprecation instead of choosing them and acquiescing to their sincerest wishes for my well-being. I denied, deflected and defensively coped with the snow-ball effects of my increasingly, uncontrollable unhappiness by becoming so intensely and uncharacteristically reclusive, quiet, guarded,  anti-social, ashamed, needy, and ineffably angered in a multitude of ways on an hourly basis. I’m quite sure that for those closest to me it was more than easy to see that I was shutting down, checking out… losing not only weight, but losing my unique, innately “Bethany” qualities little by little, my kefi slipping through my fingers, giving up on a variety of people, hobbies, communication methods, and most regrettably so, throwing the towel in completely on my writing. Writing has always been there for me as a companion, a confidante, a friend, and my one true outlet for artistic/cognitive/sub-conscious/emotional/interpersonal/spiritual expressions. I’ve concurrently kept a variety of journals over the years (truly too many to admit to at this point), each one serving a different purpose in terms of content and writing style. The most recent journal that I was gifted by surprise came from Edward. He’s extremely more than privy by this point to my obsessive (or borderline hoarder/neurotic) romanticizing of beautiful journals. A nice journal represents hope for me. I don’t even care if that sounds silly or un-evolved or childish. Even in my deepest depths of melancholy or eating disorder frenzy, if Edward were to take me into a Barnes & Nobel, I would, without a shadow of a doubt, instinctively make a B-line for the journal aisle, ogling the different styles and sizes and colors, whimsically day dreaming about how I would use each one based on its appearance and how it “spoke” to me (think the wands in Harry Potter… then you’ll understand).            I must say, though this blatant name-dropping may ultimately embarrass him, I truly do owe my most recent reignited fervor and child-like excitement  in starting up with journaling again (which I’d given up for six dry months) almost entirely to him at this point. Not only did he completely refrain from poking fun at my seemingly random, trivial, and perplexing passion for parchment and lusty love for leather-bound anything, he actually egged me on repeatedly to continue writing no matter what, even if only for just a few moments a day to check in with myself, since he was really (not anymore now that it’s being published?) the only person who knew how therapeutically and cathartically beneficial putting a pen to paper was for me in terms of my recovery process, especially in terms of the focus it demands from me to sit down and write something meaningful. He even went a step farther (you embarrassed yet Edward?? he he) and gave me one of the most brutishly handsome journals in my now overflowing collection (I should seriously post a photo of it… and possibly name it… maybe Bartholomew?).   
           Anyhow, the true point to all of these run-on sentences just oozing with oversharing is simply to say that I only felt it would be fair, in honor of the list-maker extraordinaire himself, to attempt to fill the pages of this notebook with lists—not as obsessively or specifically or precisely executed as his lists, but still, I decided it made sense to henceforth be keeping lists none-the-less and without comparison. My first list consisted of short-term life goals that I’d like to accomplish, with no exact deadline in mind since that has always been my biggest set-up for self-fulfilling prophetic failures. I created one obligatory and undeniably materialistic and vain list for the hell of it, knowing full well that I very rarely give in to the spoils of capitalistic materialism anyway. I just really needed to write it to try and reconnect with that nostalgically fun and traditionally feminine side of me that I’ve really been ignoring for years now. I then began to write a “books to read” list—now let me take this time to quickly clarify… my book list will not and does not wish to resemble Edward’s. He has his own life goals (which are very impressive in their own rights) that include reading about a couple gazillion books before he dies.  Yeah, see, that just does not work for me. I’ve decided to make my book list very unconventionally, languidly, senior citizen early- bird special-esque, and ueber personal in order to feel the kind of motivation I truly need to have to tackle as many books as I was once reading in my young age (i.e. 3 years ago). If I start to give myself deadlines and limits and page numbers and hours logged in per week, I know me, and I know I will give up on reading, regrettably, yet again... which has been happening these past few months. I was once an avid reader, but I realize now that most of that was fueled by college courses that required the reading to be done by a preordained date. That’s certainly not to say I enjoyed the assigned books any less, but it definitely explains why I no longer feel guilt-ridden and nervously compelled to read 3-5 books a month anymore. I also spent such a good chunk of that aforementioned time reading solely Classics. I do not regret this even in the slightest, I just simply feel that now that I’m fresh out of the fast-flowing groove of reading dense literature that I once boasted, I need to  go back to the start, turn back to books that tickle my fancy, get my juices flowing, get me all hyped up like a 12-year-old boy at a mall arcade, or a 16-year-old girl weeping into her Justin Bieber pillow case over the non-existent reality of her favorite Twilight characters.  Basically, in a nutshell, I just want to start reading fun/enjoyable books again. I miss the days of my public library visits where the idea of getting a new book out rivaled the possibility of getting a new toy to play with. I try very hard not to be a book snob, and I really do feel that reading anything, ever , (be it novels, non-fiction, articles, essays, editorials, short stories, magazine blurbs, newspapers, etc.) in general helps to stimulate and speed up your cognitive processes and will ultimately benefit you immensely no matter what the content entails…. That’s right, go on a whip that Entertainment Weekly out while you’re contemplating life and love in the comfort of your own home, on your porcelain throne.
          Soooooo, after putting you all (though I truly doubt anyone would have made it this far) through years and years of full on, dentures out, Mumu hanging off one shoulder, dazed Grandma on her front porch stroking a cat in her lap (just a wee bit too violent with the petting, if you know what I’m sayin’) style psycho-babbling, I’ll now try to get to the whole point of this post. I hope none of you are rubbing your temples and reaching for the aspirin and a spoon to bite down on just yet—bear with me; we’re almost to the climax!
          Alright, here we go… so, Edward and I had been talking pretty recently about the blog in general, and how we both felt we weren’t feeling as inspired to write as much as we once had (especially me). We then began to brainstorm some various ways to quickly and easily refresh the overall feel of the DiMB format and positively progress with the blog-- not change its integrity or core principles or anything drastic, but simply give it a mini face-lift, a metaphorical week-long,  all-inclusive getaway to a five- star fancy shmancy hotel spa in Switzerland where they’ll be sure to give little old DiMB all kinds of love and a daily turn down service with a chocolate on her pillow each night (just to officially go on the record here, Edward really did not say any of that ridiculous (yet completely adorable) shit about a medi-spa in Switzerland….) Okay, anyway, in essence (and in my own humble opinion which, in the grand scheme of things, means very little in terms of this blog, seeing as I was such a late joiner), I simply feel  that we could really shake things up here quite a bit, and for the absolute better. I often think of and refer back to my very favorite blogs (for example, gawker.com, etc) when I dream about propelling DiMB forward and increasing its viewership… and I’m well aware that it would certainly entail several changes. I personally and quite open-mindedly would propose (strictly coming from my PR/ media arts/marketing and communicative social scientific theory background from NYU) that we should employ just a teensy bit more modern (not fancy or fruity or non-relatable by any means) tactics into the overall format, appearance, structure, and content of the DiMB blog. Format and appearance styling are (obnoxiously) very important in the blogosphere, but also obviously the most overtly easy to deal with, and can be discussed through poll or whatever democratic measures anyone is willing to take part in. Now, structure seems to be the trickiest in terms of making a more user-friendly blog atmosphere wherein the topics, comments, posting times, post authors, and linking capabilities (to twitter, Facebook, email, etc) are easier to detect and more appealing to outside viewers  to  be more interactive with. I really feel that that is the one and only “missing link” from the current state of affairs at DiMB--- our decreased viewership has led to almost no interactivity on any of the( already limited) blog posts in terms of comments and sharing. I’m aware that the decreased viewership is also correlated to the lack of posting, but it surely cannot be the one and only reason. I just feel like you guys had something so uniquely special here, something I’d never, ever come across before. Something I distinctly remember being jealous over. I remember sharing certain posts with people from NYU, and their immediate responses were almost always that the webmaster should edit the page enough to take the concept to a national level.  I mean, hell, that’s truly why I was so elated to become a writer on this thing… because I’d been admiring it from afar for quite some time and I just really believed in the basic principles and the heart of the blog itself.
          This now leads me to content--- again, I don’t know how anyone else wants to proceed with writing their content on the blog and I’d certainly love to hear any and all thoughts regarding this particular issue… but I can really only speak for myself when I say the content seems to no longer reflect the original intent behind the creation of the blog. Again, maybe I’m completely and utterly off here, and please anyone/everyone call me out on this if so, but I simply feel that the current path the blog is headed down seems to lean towards  eventual obscurity, and I’d just truly hate to see that happen.  I just wish we could get people to really come together, and recruit more guest writers, in order to really, truly discuss the content on the blog itself and what direction it should be headed in. The “theme” of the month has certainly been off as of late (and I’ve chosen some of the themes, so I certainly take full responsibility here). I know the theme was originally used to help those who couldn’t come up with something to write about on their own without a strict prompt, but it has now almost transmogrified into something of a shroud that looms over each month, stifling what should be a forum for true-blue blogging at its finest. I mean, from what I’ve read, (which is basically every entry ever), there are some really talented, funny, original writers who used to/ still do write for DiMB.  If we could somehow just hone all that talent and focus all that humor into a more relatable, decipherable, and clearer patterned blogging format, I think we could produce something pretty amazing, if you ask me. Again, I apologize from the very bottom of my heart if any of this is offensive; truly I am sorry if that’s the case.
           Aaandd this leads me into my next and final comment--- after I began writing my little book list, and Edward and I had already previously mentioned doing some sort group/interactive experiment with the blog that would allow already-existent writers to come together for a public discourse, and could potentially, through various means involving multi-media database PR platform initiatives  (oh, I have my ways, believe you me….jk, or just, i.e. social networking tools like Facebook, LinkedIn, foursquare, Google plus, forums like rotten tomatoes, or other forums involving literature  or creative writing, etc), invite a plethora of guest posters to be able to join in on discussions in a more forum-style setting.  When broaching this topic, Edward and myself originally thought that perhaps we could get enough people together to rally around some sort of book club (a seriously cool one, I swear, I have tons of exciting ideas)… and, don’t worry, it won’t be Mr. Chamberlin’s intimidatingly long and dense  and boring books…. We were thinking more like purely fun and different series that can be read at a slow pace and just for enjoyment’s sake… something that adults rarely get to even do anymore?! It’s ludicrous. Edward and myself were throwing around ideas of different series that we could take several months to finish, and talk about it either all the way through or when everyone is done.. (books like the Hunger Games trilogy, The Game of Thrones series,  the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series, the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice (the old school first-ever vampire craze in the late 80s/early 90s), The Dark Tower, the Erast Fandorin series, His Dark Materials trilogy (since I’ve always wanted to read the Golden Compass!!), or The Thorn Birds,  or it doesn’t even have to be a series at all, it could be a single book, and we could always vote…, we just thought that may be easier to stay in the same frame of mind with the characters over the course of a few months so the weekly  or bi-weekly chats could happen…) and then we could involve  a lot more interactive tools with polls, and debate style questions a la Rotten Tomatoes, and we could  get together in  person at the end of a book… I just feel everything could be more socially inclusive and not just limited to the confines of a computer screen I know for a fact I have dozens of friends who’ve read things like the Hunger Games that would just love to comment on our blog, and I’m sure Edward knows many posters from RT and online lit forums that he could recruit some more action. Basically, this whole spiel doesn’t even need to include books if no one is really interested at the end of the day… I just thought it would be fun since I know Edward is going to be moving forward soon with a blog series devoted to Literature that he’ll post continuously on DiMB.  We could so easily turn this whole “interactive blogging community” into something entirely different… something involving music or movies or magazines or pop culture or fashion or relationships/sex or nightlife in DC or wherever the bloggers will be writing from… shit, we could even include our own spins on the daily news.  Basically, I just am pretty much in love with the idea of turning this blog into something a little more technologically advanced, and a little more professionally polished (not formal at all, clearly) in its design.
           One more thing I love--- I love the concept of blog posts being almost like columns in some ways… wherein it doesn’t even necessarily have to sound journalistic or repetitive in themes or bland or what have you, but creating some sort of format and style and specific voice and tonality for each writer wherein the viewers would automatically begin to just know who is writing, and what to expect from that author in their future posts. That is certainly what I go to blogs for, and I always single out specific writers that I relate to the most and then come back more and more frequently to see what they’re writing about next. I clearly have pie-in-the-sky hopes from this blog, and it’s is not even mine; I just get carried away and very excited thinking about all the potential it has, that’s all. Again, I certainly hope I didn’t offend anyone in any way, because my intention was really just earnest in wanting to simply offer a different perspective to see how it was received by the other writers. If everyone hates my ideas, that’s totally and completely cool with me. Feel free to tell me to fuck off if you please. I look forward to hearing some feedback, people! =)