But for real, guys.

I know you guys think this is hilarious and fun to talk about, but I am compiling my zombipocalypse kit. For the rest of you trying to prepare, I offer some helpful training tips: http://www.zombiecombatclub.com/ (The video especially.)

I don't know how many of you know this about me, but I have a very real fear of zombies. Something about the disease/helplessness/used-to-be-someone-you-knew element, I have never gotten over it, so the "New Hollywood" bullshit zombies are especially irksome to me.

The second biggest problem with the zombiepocalypse world is the issue of trust. (If I have to tell you what the first biggest problem is, we're not friends.) There's all these groups a la The Book of Eli who insist on imposing an out-dated caste-esque system because they were able to grab power/guns/food before others.

I wasn't super crazy about that movie in general, but I appreciate its take on an -ism that I have rarely seen portrayed as bringing out the worst in people, rather than the best. I know that wasn't a zombie situation, but in the undead attack, there's always the crazies who live in an old gas station and lure other survivors to them with a phony SOS for the purpose of feeding their zombie dogs in the basement.

Barring those guys, we are led to believe that the people who are still alive are not only capable, but noble (they probably go around snatching children from the drooling maws of the undead (read: Alice)). That's a nice idea, but I'm not convinced that, in the face of not only tragedy and disaster but also decomposing horror, people are going to do that thing where we all rise up to better ourselves and be greater than the sum of our parts.

Cynical? Maybe. But I'm ready.