For the rundown:
- the Dock: this ain't even a bar anymore, HA. known for its distinctly wealthy, older, and notable weirdness in its clientele; this pod is set in a Fischer Price town with shops and restaurants in the middle of an outer ring of parking lot and even more outer ring of townhouses. We did manage to run into James Jones here and it took about five minutes of both of us expressing shock for meeting accidentally there. I don't know if any of us ever recovered.
- Clyde's: here we go. Wanna go to a place where they got carriages above your head and you wouldn't be out of place to be wearing red blazers, black ass tight riding pants, and topped off with a fox-belly scarf? Find yourself right at home with the 2004 varsity softball champs, the 1997 all-state golf team, and the 1993 men's basketball semi-finalists, not to mention all of their closest fans who know the importance of a varsity sport being the testicles of a town. We've ended up here more than I'd like to admit. Matt and I got free drinks from a 40 something year old man talking to us about how he wishes he were closer with his son. That's probably all I should have said in the first place about Clyde's.
- The Conference Center: not actually the name of the bar - not sure if it has a name, but this is exactly that, a conference center bar where I doubt anyone else even really knows about, but we went there once and that's enough to make this list. The best part about this place is that it's like being on a big boat with a bunch of random strangers you probably won't ever see again. The worst part about this place is that it feels like you're on a big boat with a bunch of strangers, and that's weird. They did have karaoke, and I did sing Gangster's Paradise, and I was awful, so there's always that. If you're ever on an acid trip driving around Ashburn (god forbid) you might end up here. Side effects may vary.
- Bunkers: didn't there used to be a Peebles here? The department store with the mannequins sitting ominously in the rafter looking down on you with their stone white faces. Something about going to a bar sitting at the back of one of the biggest parking lots in Leesburg is terribly wrong. And when such a place would lead someone to say, "let's get there before they start charging a cover," you know you gotta get the fuck out of town. I'll keep my five dollars and go gorge myself on two and a half Gold Rush Chicken Sandwiches over at Roy Rogers thank you. I can't say a whole lot about what it's actually inside this place considering I've been there only a couple times, during which I became increasingly paralyzed by how many people I recognized and could not physically talk to yet couldn't stop staring at.
- Shenanigan's: I've never been here and I don't really care to change that. Although I did hear that they have a good stock of girls with unibrows.
- Magnolia's: Loudoun Valley Graduate School. Find yourself a stool and begin the time-ticking until someone grabs you from behind and hugs you for sharing Earth Science class together 16 years prior. Either that or just keep playing eye-contact tag with the stand-offish acquaintances while both of you try to remember each other's names. Best get the most alcoholic beer on the menu (of which there a good amount) and stagger out to Jose's before you do anything really stupid here. Although apparently Matt Kopp ripped his shirt off here and wasn't kicked out until 20 min had passed, so who knows.
- Jose's: a skip and a gallop away, it waits for you, ready to relieve you from the bright light Purcellville bubbly and almost nauseating atmosphere of Magnolia's. Here you can make it to the ever empty bathroom and back again in two steps. There are also much more interesting people that wind up here, whether non-English speaking or 40-50 year old women, you'll fit right in after a few mugs. But god forbid you get stuck here with a HS alum you don't want to talk to, because the bar is about as big as matchbox. Frequent cigarette breaks are inevitable here even for the non-smoker.
- Greene Turtle: fuck this place. I don't know much of anything about it, other than the three or so times I ending up here were: one, sweaty, crowded, and deafening; two, empty, uncomfortably bright, and impossible to get the check; and three, there was a five buck cover - we didn't go in.
- Balls Bluff/King's Court Tavern: I'm not sure which of the down or upstairs is which, but this is pretty much the only decently comfortable bar around, and one where you might run into some people you don't mind talking to or hell, you might even want to talk to! They apparently have metal music, plus your normal acoustic bar fare, darts, and other crap that helps a lot. It's also not in the middle of a parking lot but rather right in the thick of sweet old town of Leesburg. I really don't have any complaints about it here. Imagine that.
- Payne's Biker Bar: or just Payne's? I guess they changed the name when they reopened to turn a new leaf from some kind of notorious past of substance abuse and manliness, at a biker bar, how could they? I actually don't know anything about it, but encourage you to comment about it if you do. I've only been here once, last weekend, and I was quite happy with it. It was mostly empty, but felt like an actual bar, one to get beers, to complain and sulk and laugh and cry about life, and to eventually, when you're getting to your weakest, hit on what are in all likelihood fugly older women; dangerous game. Like Balls Bluff, it's a relief from rest of Loudoun and parking lots and varsity sports teams. I probably will end up going back to pummel my liver in the not so distant future.
- The Beautiful South: the name should give a lot away already. It's set on the edge of Hamilton, not even in the tiny town but on the outskirts, like a roadside bar except instead of truckers, there are mechanics, farmers, construction workers, drifters, family men, girls next door, and your all-American strangers. The fact that it most resembles Moe's from the Simpsons of all the bars I've been to should say something. There's not a whole lot to do other than drink. And they also have music. Oh and a deck. But you can beer your face while doing those things to. This is to the country what Balls Bluff Tavern is to the town. You can't really go wrong with either.
I'm sure there are many other bars around Loudoun that probably deserve to be mentioned, so I'm counting on everyone else to bring them up. Regardless, the bottom line is you're best off just drinking in your back yard or finding a mountain or field to drink in if you're looking to booze in Loudoun.
