The Hangover Scale

Just had to post the scale that inspired Daniel's Chamberlin Offensiveness Scale. Keep in mind I did not come up with this. I fucking wish I did because it's hilarious:

THE HANGOVER SCALE

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.



2 star hangover * *

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.



3 star hangover * * *

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because his/her perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.



4 star hangover * * * *

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You are wearing nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender).

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following : Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.



5 star hangover * * * * *

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now.

Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe .......very gently.



6 star hangover * * * * * *

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you know you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.

--Edward

The UFL Drinking Game

Hello to all,

I'd like to welcome myself to DiMB, and begin with a post about my two favorite things: sports and drinking. So with no further ado, here it goes.

This past weekend I was enjoying the Oregon-Cal game on the wonderful VS Network. Luckily, this game, featuring the top ranked Ducks, was followed by another one of VS's wonderful programs: the Omaha Nighthawks at the Sacramento Mountain Lions. Now, for those of you who don't know, the United Football League is a new football league, in its second season. It has become a wonderful place for the old, washed-up and simply bad NFL unsignees to end up. It features many of your favorite players from the past. Dautne Culpepper, Jeff Garcia, Ryan Perriloux, Josh McCown are all noticeable QBs. Former Northwestern standouts Tim McGariggle and Prince Kwateng man UFL defenses. Names such as Teddy Lehman, JJ Leman, Dusty Dvoracek, Ahman Green and the infamous Maurice Clarett dot the rosters of the six competing teams. If this alone isn't enough to get you to watch VS's next UFL telecast (Las Vegas Colonials at the Hartford Colonials, November 20th), please allow me to tempt you with this gimmick.

THE UFL DRINKING GAME

First, identify the games two former NFL stars (one per team, usually QBs). Anytime these players receive a close up, the entire room drinks.

During the announcement of the starting lineups, pick a player (or two or three if you are so

inclined) to be your own. You may pick any one for any reason you choose. Anytime your designated player makes a standout play, take a drink. Anytime your designated player makes a particularly horrible play, chug until the next snap (after all replays).

Anytime a trick play is run, everybody drinks. (this happens a lot more than you'd think)

Anytime a play is thoroughly miss-executed (inaccurate throws, uncontested fumbles, whiffed tackles, etc.), everyone drinks. (this happens a lot, but you probably guessed that)

Anytime someone notices something that is abnormally colored (e.g. lime green down markers) everyone except the observer drinks. Only drink the first time this particular item is noticed. This should take up most of the first quarter and allow you to get appropriately inebriated to continue watching.

Anytime the F-List announcers do/say something that no one would ever be allowed to do while commentating a real game (e.g. racist comments, yes it happens), everyone drinks.

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This game has only been through one test-run, so if you have any suggestions or modifications, feel free to voice them. The game should take you up through halftime, at which point if you can still tolerate the amount of drinking, and low quality of football, more power to you. Change the Channel and watch something else before the poor UFL action quits being funny.