What is Sex?

I hear it's the inevitable sex month. Now I'm not too sure what we are supposed to write about. Other that Edward being gay apparently. That really should be a whole new month entirely. Especially all the stories I hear. But like I said, a whole new month. Unless of course you all want me to go over such things in sex month.

However, I question what this thing called sex is? What are we talking about? I'm not so sure. I hear about it a lot around friends, on TV, and in movies, but I'm still not quite sure.

So please somebody enlighten me.

June Topic

The topic of the month is...well, sex. Make it as awkward, uncomfortable, and detailed as possible, kiddos! I hope that with every post, I'll feel as though we're in a new, angry gchat. Let the drama and arguing ensue!


We'll also be discussing whether or not Edward is gay.

Cubeland Broadcast Radio: "The Great Escape"

Not too overwhelmed by Youtube clips yet are ya?  Well, to do my best with Bethany and try and break up Edward's great saga of guitar solos, here's a non-guitar solo countdown post, and one that's not my highly esteemed "Morons Unite!" series.  Anyway, enough DiMB self-indulgent bantha poo doo.

Here is a song and a video I've found in my Phantom of the Tollbooth-esque journeying through youtube at work for music, solace, and, as the song will tell you, escape.  I've tweaked my "favorite music video" and "swimming in tracks" strings of posts to tailor a new line made for your every day Moe Droopy working out of Cube Destiny (aka Cubeland aka the Ice Tray aka Cubismo aka a cubicle).

Time to curl up in a ball next to the surge protector under your desk...

The Top 100 Rock Guitar Solos of All Time--49-40

49.) "Midnight" (Joe Satriani)



Similarly to Eddie Van Halen on "Mean Streets," Joe finds new ways here to use finger-tapping to expand the boundaries of the guitar's vocabulary. Joe had several of these tapping pieces on his early albums, but this is by far the best. The opening measures are haunting because of the combination of rhythm and melody made possible through tapping multiple parts at once. I love the part at 0:50 too. For a long time, this was probably my favorite track on the album. Guitar playing need not be loud or absurdly fast to be impressive. I'm glad he decided to keep an incredibly clean tone for this.

48.) "Santeria" (Sublime)



Absolutely and completely one of the most tuneful guitar solos ever. God, I do love singing this one. I would probably also say this is Sublime's best song. What can you really say about this song? It's beautiful. How many people on this list died too young? Way too many, that's for sure.

47.) "Memories" (Joe Satriani)



I based "Memory"'s place on this list off the studio version from Satch's first LP Not of This Earth, but I had to include the live version from the Dreaming #11 EP on here just because of how slamming it is. But from here on out, I'll talk about the studio version.

Joe had a very unique tone on his first album. Almost overdriven on treble, with a sort of squawking sound, it veers on grating, but somehow Joe is able to save it with his defiantly expressive soloing chops. This is such a well-constructed solo. Speed flows together deftly with precisely-phrased licks and a sense of purpose, as if this solo could never have been constructed differently than how it sounds on the final cut. One thing that Joe and Steve proved over all other shredders is that a solo can be both technically well-constructed and still be emotionally expressive. The two need not be mutually exclusive, which sometimes people seem to think is the case.

46.) "Over the Mountain" (Ozzy Osbourne)



Randy absolutely tears the shit out of this solo. He opens it up with a very unusual-sounding, and yet still completely catchy, repeating riff, before diving headfirst into a series of frightening, dissonant passages in which he plays completely alone, the rest of the band stepping back in awe to the majesty that was Randy Rhoads. This is a rather different solo, since it seems full of a kind of spontaneity and wildness that Rhoads wasn't especially known for. Very adept at creating finely-crafted and melodic solos, "Over the Mountain" displays a side of Randy not seen very often--reckless, a Dionystic lack of inhibition. Obviously Ozzy's wild ways had rubbed off a little bit on his small, blond friend. Still, nothing could ever destroy the angelic air which clung closely around Rhoads.  (Don't be surprised if they take this video off of YouTube soon.  They seem to be removing all studio versions of Ozzy Osbourne songs.)

45.) "Rubina" (Joe Satriani)



Named after his wife, Joe's first ballad is not as melodically sweet as some of his later ones ("Always with Me, Always with You" or "Love Thing," among many others). But it has an otherworldly quality to it that lifts it above his other ballads. It isn't a pop ballad, but a pean to his love for his wife, which because of Joe's previously mentioned innocence and earnestness has a kind of sweet sincerity that was certainly severely lacking in the power ballads that dominated the radio airwaves at the time this came out in '86. The song's instrumentation is tasteful, yet lush, reminding me of Prince's '80s records. As mentioned earlier, there is a completely ethereal quality to this, and when the solo comes in, it feels like a necessary release, and yet also a continuation of this prayer to a higher power. There isn't the least bit of wankery in this solo, and already from his first record, Joe was leaps and bounds beyond his peers.

44.) "Misirlou" (Dick Dale)



Completely bad-ass starting with that first sliding note, Dick Dale's instrumental is supposedly a "surf guitar" song, but it has always sounded just a little tougher than that for me. The tone is so righteous and loud on the tremolo notes, it's just completely in your face, daring you not to like it. I wonder how big this was before Pulp Fiction. I don't think any of us can remember a world before that, though.

43.) "The Forgotten, Pt. II" (Joe Satriani)



This song is all raw, gut-busting build-up and release, and I love it for that. It's an absolutely draining listen. Joe's soloing here doesn't feel like a technical showcase, but instead is like a modern, instrumental reinvention of the blues. Every single note of its five minutes comes right from the heart, without any pretension. While Joe often throws a lot of bluesy licks in his songs, and indeed even had a self-titled album out in '95, I believe it was, that was composed completely of the blues, I wish he put out more songs with the kind of feel this one had. It feels like Joe's crying from the depths of a terrible, fatalistic love affair. This is not the spiritual purity of "Rubina." It is forbidden, tainted, terrible love. I like that it's called "The Forgotten" (check out "The Forgotten, Pt. I" for a great finger-tapping piece).

42.) "Floods" (Pantera)



Again, Dimebag shows his penchant for melodic beauty on this excellent track. I think the best way to describe Dime's solo is majestic. Opening with a phrase of pure emotion, over incredibly powerful bass, Dime awes us with a three-sectioned solo of such crystal power that I've almost never heard its equivalent in metal guitar. I've heard many beautiful and jaw-dropping metal solos, but I'm not sure I've ever heard one where I felt the guitarist's presence overtake me with such force. Dimebag at his absolute best was a bald eagle, a lion, that dominated not through technicality or subtlety, or even through heaviness, but through his ability to connect clearly and directly through the listener with passages of such clarity and overwhelming power that they couldn't be ignored. He was like the Homer of metal guitarists--his art doesn't feel practiced or refined, and yet it hits you in the gut with its force.

41.) "Always with Me, Always with You" (Joe Satriani)



As great as Joe was at the blues, this is what he did best. Pure melodic beauty--his catchiest song by far. Gotta go with the obvious here: Just listen to the fucking song.

40.) "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (Chris Impellitteri)



This may seem like a stupid concept: take a culturally classic song from a legendary movie and have a '80s shredder cover it. But it most definitely works. I'm not even sure why. He puts his heart into it--that's really about all I can say. And Jesus Christ does Chris ever have chops. His speed is almost unreal on here, and because of the song's longing nature, here it feels like both a Ozymandian longing for god-like prowess and a longing for simple happiness and innocence. I love that during the fastest parts of each solo, it dips into an uncertain key, only to be resolved in the beautiful, eternal melody of old-time Hollywood. There is something about this clash between such a simple melody and the bottomless depths of Impellitteri's technical ability that gives this song its unique charm. I love the improvisational sound of the first few bars of the second solo. I wish this one were longer.

--Edward

Zen and the Art of Daniel's "Let it Go"

    Since it is May 30, and June fast approaches, I'm beginning to feel rather nostalgic about our infamous topic of the month, "Loudoun County"-- Did we do her justice? What I mean to say is, did we really, fully, and truthfully embrace this theme for all it was worth? I can surely only speak for myself when I say, I think not. Therefore, my last post for the month of Loudoun will be dedicated to the, as some would have it, surrogate prince of the county: Mr. Daniel Paschall himself.

 I'm using the word "dedicated" pretty loosely here, as I'm focusing more on Daniel's lexicon than his actual reputation in Loudoun. Anyone who knows DP, or anyone that reads this blog at least, is aware of his old and trusted adage, "Let it go." When, where, or how this statement came to fruition as a tool in Daniel's repertoire of zen mastery, we'll never know (or, he could just explain it in a comment...). What I am sure of, at this point, is that "let it go" has transformed for me: what once was a goading jibe used to condescendingly taunt the arrogance of others has now become the key to my own self-reflection. Allow me to explain... as I mentioned to Daniel, I started to employ "let it go" on a semi-regular basis to poke fun at myself whenever I was taking things far too seriously (as most of us seem to do). It certainly made me laugh, but also had the ability to inexplicably piss me off. As of late, a certain unmentionable situation has arisen in my personal life that has driven me to the brink of reason; probing me to overreact and self-destruct in ways that would surely ignite a chain reaction and send me into a proverbial tailspin. I came to such a crossroads this past week, and had but a moment to decide left or right, rationality or madness. I mockingly told myself to "let it go," and then something peculiar happened. I said it a second time, and then a third... and a strange sense of enlightenment slowly washed along the tired shores of my addled mind. I broke it down, analyzing each word individually, then pieced it back together realizing the collective "let it go" is more than the sum of its noble parts. So, here is my meager attempt at explaining my twisting train of thought during this instant:

LET: in this scenario, let is being used as a verb and is formally defined as "allowing or permitting." In the context of this mantra, let can mean several things-- something you approve, something you've caused, something you must push yourself to acknowledge, a situation you've only tolerated, or, being able to be still and be present.

IT: Ah, now this one's the kicker. "It" is infinite and expanding. "It" can mean everything or "it" can mean nothing at all. "It" is most closely related to the Buddhist chanting word "Om," which scholars are unable to define, as it is meant to signify that which is utterly indefinable. "It" means something very different to each one of us, and preciously so. "It" is the thing in which we're guarding, clinging to, unable to "let go." "It" can be a material possession; animal, mineral, or rock. "It" can be a long-held desire, a dream, a hope, a futile lusting for something that is being sought out in vain. "It" could be a philosophy, an ideology, a stereotype, a self-produced narrative you consistently choose to limit yourself with. "It" could be those things that embarrass you or make you feel shamed. "It" can be the moment he said no, or the instant she fell out of love. "It" could be your anger, your dissatisfaction, your pain, your self-loathing demons. "It" could be your beginning, middle, or end. "It" could be nothing, and rightly so. There is no correct or incorrect substitution here, as I've learned.

GO: This is the easiest concept to grasp, yet the hardest to employ. After one has done the work of discovering their "let" and their "it," they are then asked, no, begged, to release this baggage into the unending abyss. "Go" symbolizes forgiveness, in essence. It's about forgiving yourself as much as it's about forgiving situations in your life that have led you down the path of frenzy. "Go" is the stage in which you must expel the "it" which no longer serves you. It's a level of self-realization and awareness reached only when you are prepared to depart from your ego and all of it's grand delusions, used to keep you attached to the corporeal realms of knowledge. It's saying goodbye, and yet, it's somehow saying hello.

        Put back together, these simple words (for me) became much like a stained-glass window through which I saw the elucidated image in its entirety and, simultaneously, could marvel at the individual beauty of its segments. The mantra, as a whole, served me in ways I never saw coming and could never capably explain. Through this verbose and windy anecdote, I hope I've been able to convey the importance of Daniel's oft-mentioned, "Let it go." This knowing apothegm, a blithe battle cry, has come to my rescue as a weapon against the threat of my own ego. Though never stomped out, this demon (of the "britches" variety, and not) can at least be bated down by the breathing in and out of those three little words. 

       And, most importantly, of course, "let it go" can definitely still be used as the most sure-fire way of taking someone from "shit-ass happy" to sullenly scorned during a heated group chat. 

The Top 100 Rock Guitar Solos of All Time--59-50

59.) "Yellow Ledbetter" (Pearl Jam)



Besides having, as this video demonstrates, the most unintelligible lyrics in all of rock history, this also boasts the most emotional guitar solo of mainstream '90s music. I may not be sure what the fuck Eddie Vedder is singing about, but God does that solo ever express a lot of heartache. One of the few times I've ever heard a non-virtuoso guitarist make great use of the whammy bar. His tone is just so raw (similar to "Call It Sleep"--again, listen to the studio version of that somewhere). I love the trill fade-out of the solo. After "Black," this is my favorite Pearl Jam song. ("Black" is in the running for best overall '90s song, along with such staples as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Under the Bridge," and of course the oft-mentioned "Don't Speak.") The opening and closing guitar is very reminiscent of Jimi Hendrix in the style of "Little Wing" and his other more delicate songs, and I'm quite sure this was very intentional.

58.) "Black Dog" (Led Zeppelin)



I used to be really into this solo when I was a sophomore or so in high school. Although I'll admit my interest has waned somewhat, its solo still should be recognized on this list. Zeppelin was such a great band for the adolescent age bracket. Boys who weren't listening to Zeppelin or AC/DC or bands like that then--what were they listening to? I can't imagine. Like I said earlier, this band is just so steeped in testosterone, and yet they have the musical chops to back it up, unlike many others who fail hard at this game. You're allowed to strut about like your have a ten-foot cock if you bash the drums like Bonham or riff like Jimmy Page--that's just the rules. What I always loved about this solo was that fucking tone (easy answer, I know, right?). How did he get that? I'm not sure, but it has such a country vibe to it. When he goes low towards the end of the fade-out solo, it just has such a twang to it, like a country singer digging down deep into the final notes of a phrase.

57.) "Goodbye to Romance" (Ozzy Osbourne)



Is this really my first Randy Rhoads solo on here? One of my very favorite players, Randy brought such beauty and elegance to his two albums with Ozzy Osbourne in the early '80s, before he tragically died in a plane crash. I advise everyone to seek out the live version of this song on Ozzy's tribute album to Randy (fittingly entitled Tribute), because I like that better, but I couldn't find it on YouTube. One thing you don't hear in the live version is the gorgeous background guitar supporting Ozzy's vocals. While rightly famous for bringing a sense of classical phrasing to his solos, you really see a sense of his emotional side of playing on this track. I would say his phrasing was his best attribute, though. He had a way of shaping groups of notes to create the most memorable musical moments, far more catchy than any of the vocal melodies or even the guitar riffs. His solos were works of simplicity and elegance. There is a long history of guitarists dying far too young, but out of all of them, I would have most liked to see Randy live longer. He seemed like such a beautiful soul--such a nice person. This is getting me choked up.

56.) "Bohemian Rhapsody" (Queen)



Brian May's guitar contributions to Queen are vastly underappreciated. Like Mick Ronson, May always knew how to make his solo fit the mood of the song, and add its own unique exclamation point to Freddie Mercury's staggering vocals. His tone was always impeccable, and he seemed to learn a thing or two about phrasing from Mercury's vocals to create such memorable solos. I considered putting "Somebody to Love" or "Don't Stop Me Now" or a number of other solos on here by May, but ultimately "Bohemian Rhapsody" had to be the one. This solo gives me goosebumps every time. A perfect climax to the first section of the song. Brian lends a credibility and an anchor in emotion as Mercury occasionally threatens to veer into camp on some of Queen's songs. While he was not the virtuoso that Mercury was, he deserves to be recognized on this list for this, one of the great guitar solos of all time.

55.) "Clouds Race Across the Sky" (Joe Satriani)



The ballads on Engines of Creation, like this, "Slow and Easy," and "Until We Say Goodbye," are just so beautiful. Joe uses a very legato attack on his soloing on this, which complements the fluidity and ephemeral nature of the rest of the song (and of course, of its subject). This is a pure groove song, just as it's largely a groove record, and that's why I love it so much. You could put this on repeat and stare up at the sky forever. I kinda want that fade-out to last forever.

54.) "You Don't Remember, I'll Never Forget" (Yngwie Malmsteen)



Ah, Yngwie makes his first appearance on the list. Equally famous for his increasing weight and extreme arrogance as he is for his insane technical proficiency and extraordinary influence on the guitarists of the 1980's (perhaps only surpassed by Eddie Van Halen and rivaled by Randy Rhoads and Kirk Hammett/James Hetfield). Like Rhoads, Yngwie was very influenced by classical music, specifically the Baroque era. The sense of technical proficiency in '80s guitar music was largely borne out of the precise nature of Baroque music, with its emphasis on scales and balance. What I love about this solo is the lyrical first part (rather unusual for Yngwie), which contrasts with the shredding that follows it, making it seem that much more impressive.

53.) "Time" (Pink Floyd)



David Gilmour is one of the kings of expressive rock guitar playing. He could say more with one well-timed phrase or a bent note than most guitarists could with an entire solo. His playing was subtle. Pink Floyd was not exactly a guitar-driven band. But what would prime-period Floyd be without Gilmour's wailing guitar solos? He phrased his solos like a singer would their melodies, and his ability to craft licks just as memorable as the vocal melodies is quite an unusual gift for a guitar player. His solo on here is iconic and lengthy, veering from frustration at life's eternal ticking clock of mortality to dull resignation by the solo's end.

52.) "Warm Regards" (Steve Vai)



What a pristine solo this is. The melody of the song threatens to bring a tear to my eye, and the tone of the solo is just so sparkling-clear, the notes are so joyous, that it makes you believe that there is true beauty in the world. When he brings those skipping notes up the scale towards the resolution in the melody right before 3:00, that right there is exactly why Steve Vai is my favorite guitarist.

51.) "War" (Joe Satriani)



Just to show the sheer variety of emotions that Satch and Vai can cover in their solos, this serves as a good contrast with Vai's "Warm Regards." Despite its organization into distinct sections, everything about "War"'s solo is chaos. The build-up of the intensity is thrilling. I love when he does the whammy bar flutters at around 2:45, a trick he often employs to lend a distinctly Eastern air to his solos. In the outro of the song, he again uses the bar to add a very Eastern, mysterious vibe to the song.

50.) "Heartbreaker" (Led Zeppelin)



A very distinctive solo, because the song drops to dead silence at the halfway point and only Page's drunk-sloppy playing fills your ears. He gets a lot of shit for not being technically perfect (exactly which one of his '60s rock peers were again?), but his looseness and off-the-cuff soloing perfectly compliments the swagger that embodied Led Zeppelin. I love how this song is basically a vehicle for a very extended guitar solo, but behind the verses of the song is an absolutely funky bass groove. Rightfully credited as the forerunners of heavy metal, Zeppelin's guitar and rhythm attack, especially on their first two records, was phenomenal. They were such a great ensemble band. Everyone did their part and they did it to perfection. While perhaps their songs will someday age, you cannot deny the professionalism and unity of this band as a musical unit.

--Edward

The Top 100 Rock Guitar Solos of All Time--69-60

69.) "Circles" (Joe Satriani)



The first time a Surfing with the Alien track shows up on here, but by God it won't be the last. Joe opens this song peacefully with a shimmering guitar melody. At one minute in, he unleashes hell. Obviously the whole point of the song is the contrast between the beauty of the melody and the intensity of the solo. Being as this is on the greatest guitar album of all time, Joe certainly doesn't let us down. He really pulls out all the stops on here, from lightning-speed legato to whammy bar squeals to sighing bends, and the transition into and out of the solo is one of the great moments of this album, which stands in my top ten of all time easily. This is fun to watch a live version of.

68.) "Feathers" (Steve Vai)



"Feathers" is a very pretty song written by Vai as a product demonstration for whatever effect gives this song its unique guitar tone (I forget what it is, but you can look up if you really are interested). You can only find the song in the Steve Vai box set or if you buy one of the Mystery Tracks CDs contained in that set. He never released it on any of his normal albums. Housing a delicate melody encased in that beautiful warbling tone of Vai's guitar, the real highlight of the track is the two minutes and thirty seconds-plus gently building guitar solo, in which Vai at first starts out using the effect that he used for the melody of the song, combining the warm tone of this effect with playful licks. At 3:18, Vai discards his effect to return to his standard solo tone, slowly building towards a climactic conclusion to the solo and a reintroduction of the main melody, this time with more bombast. A really great little track.

67.) "Cliffs of Dover" (Eric Johnson)



Eric Johnson is a fine virtuoso player with a knack for melody and bluesy licks thrown out at rapid-fire pace. "Cliffs of Dover" is his signature piece, full of summer energy and memorable hooks. That refrain first heard at 1:00 is so joyous that you won't be able to get it out of your head. The whole piece is resplendent in the thrill and love of music. Eric is well known as a perfectionist, and his solos are indeed pristine and gem-like. This song can't fail to put a smile on my face.

66.) "Stranglehold" (Ted Nugent)



What a bad-ass fucking song. That bottom-of-the-sea bass is just great. You could solo forever over that groove. And Nugent does indeed solo his brains out here. I love the delay-soaked mid-parts of the solo, the random ghost wails creeping from the depths of the swamp groove, and how this song is nothing other than one long breakdown into the depths of the Bayeux. It's where the blues began and it's where we go to die.

65.) "Race with the Devil on a Spanish Highway" (Al DiMeola)



Another effortlessly cool song, which white people cannot seem to make anymore. No one was as fast and precise a player as DiMeola was in the mid-70's. Perhaps John McLaughlin had his speed, and indeed plays with DiMeola on some records, but Al was so fucking clean that it just slays me. A forerunner to the shred greats of the next decade, DiMeola brings a rocking, sexy vibe to his songs that is severely lacking in the neoclassical shred of the '80s. The palm-muted riff at 2:50 is just awesome, and he breaks into a thrilling solo, only to draw the song back into its lush Mediterranean vibe after only a few bars of gorgeously precise shredding. God, the part at 4:10 is so fucking sexy. He has such an authority to his playing that you can't help but be in awe.

64.) "Hot for Teacher" (Van Halen)

Hot teachers--what a great subject for a song. Only David Lee Roth could sing about such a thing. He loved doing the whole talk-during-the-middle-of-the-song thing in his songs. What the hell was that about? "Teacher, I brought my pencil...gimme something to write on!" Really?! However, the song rests on Alex Van Halen's fine drumming and a great breakdown riff from EVH over Lee Roth's adolescent antics, punctuated by bursts of explosive, exuberant lead guitar in a way that only Eddie seemed capable of. You can make a strong case that this band is pretty one-dimensional--but they were great at writing fun rock songs, and no matter how many copycats Eddie has, his own style in inimitable.

63.) "Slow and Easy" (Joe Satriani)



Released on Joe's very underrated Engines of Creation, which is a mix between electronic music and virtuoso guitar, boasting some of his strongest melodies and best sound experiments, this slow burn of a song really sinks in with repeated listening. I'm not sure if he actually uses a sitar for the solo on this, but I would suspect it's probably a guitar effect. Either way, it's absolutely and truly gorgeous. One of his most beautiful solos ever, this song just reeks of 1940's steamy, morally ambiguous film noir. What else is there to say? Just listen.

62.) "25 or 6 to 4" (Chicago)



Where the fuck does this come from? Who ever knew Chicago had good guitar in their music? Besides boasting one of the great rock guitar riffs, Terry Kath delivers one mean solo on this song. His phrasing is so full of attitude, the wah pedal use is perfect, and he just fills the whole second half of the song with great fills. His playing is very reminiscent of Eric Clapton in his prime on here, and I dare say that if he could do this on a regular basis, then I would consider him a peer of Eric's. However, I don't particularly know much Chicago music, so I couldn't tell you. It looks like he died quite young. What a great song.

61.) "Call It Sleep" (Steve Vai)



Sorry, I couldn't find the original version on YouTube, but I suggest everyone try to seek it out. His tone is absolutely raw and gorgeous on it. This live version is quite good, though. Steve wrote this song in high school about a girl that he knew who died (I believe). His unschooled playing and almost overpowering tone on it really keep the emotions on the surface in such a powerful way. As I talked about on "Junkie," Vai's playing was so unusual on his first record, Flexable. There was a great sense of adventure and experimentation, and already his talents were so full that it seemed he didn't know what to do with them. There is a part towards the end, after the solo break, where he goes off on a series of seemingly erratic notes that resolve themselves in the most beautiful way--only Steve Vai could make this work. As everyone knows, there were legions of technically gifted and enthusiastic shredders dripping out of the floorboards in the 1980s, trying to copy Eddie Van Halen and Yngwie Malmsteen. But there were very few truly original guitarists that came out after these guys. Steve Vai was one of them.

60.) "Rainbow in the Dark" (Dio)



Generic-sounding '80s metal song? Check. Ass-kicking solo? Check. 'Nuff said.

--Edward

Happy Memorial Day Weekend

You know, I've always had an incredibly vague understanding of Memorial Day, as a holiday-- often getting it confused with Veterans' Day. I grew up thinking of it as the pre-game to the summer season, though that seems fairly shallow now that I come to think of its true meaning. But, then again, doesn't it just feel right (and oh so American) to celebrate Memorial Day Weekend like it's the kick-off to a four-month-long vacation? I don't know about the rest of yous guys... but it's been a particularly rough Winter/Spring...

I Just Peed My Pants Listening to Creed's "Higher"

There was a time when this statement was not so far fetched. My iPoop was on shuffle today and Lo and Behold, Scott Stapp came on with the song that would change all our lives forever. Drink him in DiMB:

And yes, this also means that I have Creed in my music library. Am I ashamed? Yes. Will I delete it? No. Well, at least not yet. Creed may be pushing for the top spot in the most obnoxious, self-righteous, stupid, and hilarious bands of all time. You can't really make up the kinds of songs they have on their albums; ex. random indigenous peoples singing songs in their own language while ambient, what sounds like stolen news ticker noises plays in the background until you get a full face blast of Mr. Stapp on the unforgettable song, "Who's Got My Back".

The best part of Creed were the this is the almighty truth lyrics, making saving the world and yourself from all that bad stuff with long greasy hair, leather pants, absolutely no shirt, and early CGI effects, as cool as your best friend.

But first, before you delve into the holy kingdom Creed created for themselves, you have to go back to their first, big, hit (don't not call this a hit).

My Own Prison

I'll just provide some lyrics of choice to give you an idea:

"I cry out to God

Seeking only his decision

Gabriel stands and confirms

I've created my own prison"

Then there was "Higher". And everyone cried when they heard it because it caught on like a poison in the drinking water. The video should also be noted as the entire 5 minutes and 17 seconds (I don't really believe it's that long, but it all makes sense if it is) was the band walking in slow motion to get on stage and sing the very song being played over their slow motion walk, all until Scott Stapp reaches the microphone, still in blood-curdling 90s (early 00s?) slow motion and begins to levitate off the ground until he's downright flying in place, arms out, like his favorite Christ-like figure, himself.

But to get to the masterpiece of music videos, waste no more time and watch this situational epic about being on top of impossibly tall computer generated cliffs with your band members trying to figure out how to get the fuck down. The best part may be when he looks up just after falling three miles onto rock - also don't mind the oft-Creed-music video-used beautiful woman just out of reach, wise old man, birds, the other band members trying to look so bad ass they're on the edge of tears, and of course Stapp in his groundbreaking bent-knee-almost-leaning-back-man-yields-himself-to-god pose:

These guys were the original douchebags.

Reminds me of the fake preview in Tropic Thunder for Ben Stiller's character's movie, Scorcher VI: Global Meltdown (it took me a while to find that for some reason), and/OR reminds me of the equally hilarious ICP video Miracles. These videos will be the ones historians of the future dying earth will look back on and say, "Well I guess it's not that surprising we're all fucked."

But honestly, maybe these loons have something more than we have here. I kind of believe Scott Stapp believed in his lyrics. You look at the guy, and it doesn't look like someone who is just making up some shit to make money. He actually wants to greet the world, yes I'm going to do it, "With Arms Wide Open." And we will laugh at how dumb we (I) were to follow along with grand tricks, I'll claim I'm better than the people who latched on to other douchebags like Nickelback and Daughtry, but I'm not. I bought in to it all. I bought two Creed albums! That is painful stuff to try and stomach, but you push on. And while I try to reconcile my identity crisis of 2002, Scott Stapp will be getting the last laugh because he was true to his own douchebag self. Chuck Klosterman wrote an excellent chapter on the two strangely close together deaths of members from the Ramones and Ratt, and how even though the Ramones will by far get the better end of the history books and critc reviews, Ratt sold millions more records to millions more people, and that made those people happy. So is what Ratt did not legitimate?

Is Scott Stapp, nay, is Creed not legitimate?

I'll leave you with another quote and an undoctored google images page of Mr. Stapp because I thought it was even better than any single image I could select.

"Children don't stop dancing

Believe you can fly

Away...away"

The Top 100 Rock Guitar Solos of All Time--79-70

79.) Cult of Personality (Living Colour)



I don't know any other Living Colour songs other than this famous one, but where the fuck did this solo come from? Vernon Reid tears the absolute living shit out of his axe on here. Even the noise-chaos of the brief first solo can't prepare you for the total hellstorm of the big break. This seems like a very 1984-inspired song (I'm thinking mostly of the line "one and one makes three" here). There is really no conceivable pattern or meaning to the solo--Reid just lets shit loose, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Considering this is one of the few solos by a black man on here or on any rock guitar list, it feels especially like its full of anger and the freedom that music grants us above our bigoted society.

78.) "Reelin' in the Years" (Steely Dan)



One of the great intellectual groups in rock history, Steely Dan was one of the few rock acts that was able to match the sophistication of their lyrics perfectly with the musical backdrop they were implanted in. Their music always had a very sexy, jazzy feel. Their guitar-playing, which from my understanding was mostly done through a collection of professional studio musicians, was tight and assured without being indulgent. By using studio musicians, they had solos that perfectly fit the tone of the song without seeming like an ego-boost for the lead guitarist looking to get on the cover of a guitar magazine. This song has such wonderful, exuberant guitar, from start to finish. This whole song seems like it's walking two feet above the ground, so tight is the band performance and so crisp is the songwriting.

77.) "Hot Dog and a Shake" (Dave Lee Roth)



Ah, a classic David Lee Roth song, full of shrieks and absurdly bad lyrics. Bassist Billy Sheehan and Steve Vai were really the only saving features of his solo career. But never failing to do his job to get a few post-show blowjobs, Vai saves the song with his showy, multi-part guitar solo.

76.) "Killing in the Name" (Rage Against the Machine)



This song reminds me of James Jones. We used to listen to Rage so much while driving around at high speeds, going nowhere but deeper into the purple haze of Western Loudoun (how's this for a tie-in to our month?). Guitarist Tom Morello is justifiably acclaimed for his use of effects to make his guitar sound out-of-this-world, at times like a DJ scratching a record, at others like some sort of early, 1970's arcade game. I rank this as his greatest solo because of the way the whammy pedal effectively caps Zack de la Rocha's always-pissed-off vocals. You know what I hate? When this song is played on the radio and they edit every single "Fuck you, I won't do what ya tell me." What the hell is the point of this song without that?

75.) "Cemetery Gates" (Pantera)



Though rightfully best known for his impressive chops and metal attitude, Dimebag Darrell's most notable attribute was bringing a sense of beauty to the heavy metal of Pantera. You can see it in the stately intro to this song, in the ringing riff of 3:40, and in the beautiful, melancholy solo. Dime was one of metal's most lyrical players. That really set him apart from the hordes of shredders that crowd the genre. I think it made him a better guitarist than his peer and friend, Zakk Wylde. Zakk had more technical chops, but Dime could craft a finer solo, and that's ultimately what being a guitarist is about. Oh, and by the way, this song has an ass-kicking riff in it. Both him and Zakk love the shrieking artificial harmonics. Watch a live video of Zakk and he does it about every five seconds, kinda like Yngwie Malmsteen kicking his picks into the audience at a live show.

74.) "Whispering a Prayer" (Steve Vai)



Ah, the first of Steve Vai's "seventh song" ballads on this list. He always put his most spiritual and beautiful ballads as the seventh track on his albums, because of his own obsession with all things New Age and cheesy. This is one song where a studio version does not exist, since it was first composed for and released on his live album Alive in an Ultra World, where he wrote a song for each of the countries he visited based on the musical stylings of that particular country. I think this one was Ireland's? Who knows, but there's some good music on there, and there will be at least one more song later on this list from the album.

This is just an exquisitely pretty song, and though it lacks the intense solos of some of the later seventh songs that show up on here, it has his signature build-up and release with the climaxing solo. This video is a lot of fun watching him play live. He loves putting on a good show. The real star of this song is the great tone he gets through a combination of volume swells and whammy bar dips on all the notes. Look at Billy Sheehan rocking that double bass! The ending is so good.

73.) "Ice Cream Man" (Van Halen)



Still have goosebumps from that last beautiful song? Well here's good ol' Dave Lee Roth to take away any sense of profundity you might have experienced with his tawny locks, jumping kicks, and absurd swagger. God bless him. As usual, Eddie is the real selling point of this song. In an unusually extended solo for him, Eddie delivers a bluesier and more free-form solo than some of his more mechanically proficient and cold ones, creating a classic in the result. 30+ seconds is really a long time for him to solo. Though he sucked all of the blues roots out of rock music, opening the way for the dreaded hair metal of the '80s and the lines of HIV-infected groupies, gay-looking band members who were junkies and fucked surprising amounts of women, and the tons of synthesizers that came along with it, I get the feeling that if he so desired, Eddie could've really spiced up the blues with his unique, freeform technique. Instead, the resurrection of the blues was left to Stevie Ray Vaughan (perhaps an even finer guitarist than Eddie), who will make an appearance much later in the list.

72.) "Ride the Lightning" (Metallica)



Kirk, on the other hand, had no problems soloing for extended amounts of time, and this song is no exception. An exceedingly intricate and yet memorable solo from Hammett, beginning with a frightening-sounding tapping lick and ending with Hammett's signature legato licks, the solo covers a lot in between. Though he sometimes gets flak for riding on Dave Mustaine's coattails, Metallica's original lead guitarist who was kicked out for his alcoholism early on, Hammett I think had a very unique style in terms of metal soloists, and came up with some of the most memorable licks of metal guitar history. He is perhaps the most legendary metal guitar soloist.

71.) "Altitudes" (Jason Becker)



Seventeen years old when he recorded this gorgeous shred song, Jason Becker's tremendous guitar chops were unfortunately lost too early to Lou Gehrig's disease, and even though he apparently can no longer speak, he has continued to compose music through a computer and communicates using eye movements with his family. This is a tremendous multi-part shred song, and gives us a taste of the talent which was taken from us too soon.

70.) "Master of Puppets" (Metallica)



One of Metallica's greatest epics, this song about addiction also arguably contains Metallica's finest single moment in the absolutely stunning breakdown at the halfway point of the song. Though there is a classic Kirk Hammett shred solo later in the song, it is his slow, seemingly double- or triple-tracked solo that earns this a place on the list. Though metal guitarists get a bad rap for their notoriety of shredding as fast as possible in solos, there is actually some of the most melodic guitar in metal music. Look at this or Dimebag Darrell or Randy Rhoads or Judas Priest and Iron Maiden's guitarists. The riffing on this song is absolutely grinding, and Metallica were better able to come up with lyrics to suit their epic songs than most metal bands. The primal caveman riff at 5:10 is one of my favorites by them. God Almighty that is fucking heavy. A metal classic if I've ever seen one. This and "War Pigs" are perhaps the most legendary metal songs of all time.

--Edward