In response to finding out that her glasses were broken: "I'm not really sure I wanna see that much anyway." - Carole
"Could I grab a stalk of your aloe plant? I left mine in Florida." After a pause of wondering if this was a normal request or not, I said, "Yeah, sure."
"Hey boss. I got you a 2012 vintage edition Coca-Cola." An older man cuts in front of a few customers in line to put an open and bubbling-over-its-edge Diet Coke on the counter.
"Could I get your last name, please?" "It's Watson." Ten second pause while I finish the transaction, and he asks, "What's yours?" like he's getting me back. I tell him. He doesn't react, and I hand him his receipt.
A lady walks in and says, "Oh they've got one of those robots that sits at a computer with one hand on a mouse."
Two little kids, a girl and a boy maybe around age 9 walk up to the counter with a parent nowhere in sight. They stare around aimlessly, and then the boy says quietly, "This looks like a pawn shop." They turn and walk back toward the window section in no apparent hurry.
Regular customers who are in five out of six days of the week ask on an almost daily basis how late we're open. It's 9 to 5 Monday through Saturday and hasn't changed in the near 8 months I've worked here. I doubt it changed in the years before that.
Customers come to counter with items, learn the price, and then go out to their car to get money. Then they come back to pay.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Dream Weaver
The trees show a path between the trunks and I follow. In the midst of a clearing there's a carving of a wooden rabbit. On it is a note that seems to have been left recently, since it's stuck to the rabbit with the leftovers of a melty red popsicle. I struggle to pull the note from the popsicle without getting red goop on my shirt. Somewhere in the woods I swear I hear someone snickering.
"GIANT LIGHTER - $4.50"
The note is a receipt. I look down at the wooden rabbit. It seems to be facing the moon with a great despair. Why'd they have to carve it to look so sad? I look up at the moon, and I can barely see it through the clouds. There's a smokiness that suggests maybe it's not clouds but a campfire smoke.
I realize I haven't seen my friends in a couple hours. Feeling my pockets, I grapple at something oblong and plasticky. It's the novelty lighter.
"GIANT LIGHTER - $4.50"
The note is a receipt. I look down at the wooden rabbit. It seems to be facing the moon with a great despair. Why'd they have to carve it to look so sad? I look up at the moon, and I can barely see it through the clouds. There's a smokiness that suggests maybe it's not clouds but a campfire smoke.
I realize I haven't seen my friends in a couple hours. Feeling my pockets, I grapple at something oblong and plasticky. It's the novelty lighter.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Neptune
- Black Hole Fart
- Bud's a sentimental one with LOTS of money
- Billions of years of typical shit and a few high scores
- Puncture the sky, receive God's jelly
- Brave the harsh stupidity of jerks
- Just a haunted breastplate
- Good Sport Drug Mule
- Bud's a sentimental one with LOTS of money
- Billions of years of typical shit and a few high scores
- Puncture the sky, receive God's jelly
- Brave the harsh stupidity of jerks
- Just a haunted breastplate
- Good Sport Drug Mule
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Fragments of a Tender Keeper
"Oh, well this is just irresistible," an older customer says while examining a giant wire brush that looks like something a chimney sweep would use.
The next customer has a small black "x" on the knuckle of his middle finger on his right hand. I don't mention it.
A couple more people mention the distinct cold breeze that is being funneled directly onto the cash register and me. But I'm happy just to have an open garage doorway view of the train tracks and trees.
About once every few hours, there's a crash, whether glass or wood or metal. Most of the time no one's hurt. On windy days it's more like once every hour.
Mr. Wong is on his third trip to the register in an hour. I can't tell if he's more hoarder than landlord or vice versa.
I find myself in a lull in between customers and wonder which of the 9 or 10 cleaning, emailing, article-reading, or stocking things I should do. Too late. A customer is already asking me a question.
The next customer has a small black "x" on the knuckle of his middle finger on his right hand. I don't mention it.
A couple more people mention the distinct cold breeze that is being funneled directly onto the cash register and me. But I'm happy just to have an open garage doorway view of the train tracks and trees.
About once every few hours, there's a crash, whether glass or wood or metal. Most of the time no one's hurt. On windy days it's more like once every hour.
Mr. Wong is on his third trip to the register in an hour. I can't tell if he's more hoarder than landlord or vice versa.
I find myself in a lull in between customers and wonder which of the 9 or 10 cleaning, emailing, article-reading, or stocking things I should do. Too late. A customer is already asking me a question.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Commentary: Technocratic Psychobabble
Technocratic
Psychobabble
-Hunky
had been going to night school for, oh, say two, three years, but he'd never
seen anyone this bad-ass before. The
Masonic midget-leper gave him a high-five on the way out and flashed his ass
crack to the delight of everyone.:
A delirious return to writing after some presumed sort of meditation and regeneration following “Coming Down”, I wonder how long it took for Edward to start kicking it again with his pencil and paper (perhaps not even that long). You don’t even have to go past “Hunky” to know you’re in for a treat on this stupid joyride of a name. I love that the narrator takes time to debate how many years he wants to say Hunky’s gone to night school, but not to get it right, just to sort of amuse himself with how each number sounds. Edward’s secret (not-so-secret) talent was to combine adjectives, personifiers, amplifiers, characterizers, and tenderizers like “Masonic midget-leper” into actual figures to dance ambiguously across his stories, not unlike a certain Dylan (why doesn’t anyone ever ask why Bob Dylan’s songs sound so much like mine?!). Is it necessary for such a complex sounding character to be in this sort of funky jerk-wad of a name? Probably not, but then again, sure why not. What’s awkward and therefore funnier about the image of this class clown in adult school (a great concept in the first place) is that because this guy’s a midget and gives a “high-five” as he walks by Hunky, I would imagine that even though Hunky’s sitting at a desk, the midget still has to jump to complete this act of yeah-I-know-I’m-cool. The final touch of the butt crack is so good that it even earns the use of bandwagon in “everyone”, because that’s a bandwagon I want to be on (I actually will be going to night school for a photography class in a couple weeks bee tee dubs). (83%)
A delirious return to writing after some presumed sort of meditation and regeneration following “Coming Down”, I wonder how long it took for Edward to start kicking it again with his pencil and paper (perhaps not even that long). You don’t even have to go past “Hunky” to know you’re in for a treat on this stupid joyride of a name. I love that the narrator takes time to debate how many years he wants to say Hunky’s gone to night school, but not to get it right, just to sort of amuse himself with how each number sounds. Edward’s secret (not-so-secret) talent was to combine adjectives, personifiers, amplifiers, characterizers, and tenderizers like “Masonic midget-leper” into actual figures to dance ambiguously across his stories, not unlike a certain Dylan (why doesn’t anyone ever ask why Bob Dylan’s songs sound so much like mine?!). Is it necessary for such a complex sounding character to be in this sort of funky jerk-wad of a name? Probably not, but then again, sure why not. What’s awkward and therefore funnier about the image of this class clown in adult school (a great concept in the first place) is that because this guy’s a midget and gives a “high-five” as he walks by Hunky, I would imagine that even though Hunky’s sitting at a desk, the midget still has to jump to complete this act of yeah-I-know-I’m-cool. The final touch of the butt crack is so good that it even earns the use of bandwagon in “everyone”, because that’s a bandwagon I want to be on (I actually will be going to night school for a photography class in a couple weeks bee tee dubs). (83%)
-Bert
struck writer's block at the end of the fourth page in his thirteenth
novel. Four pages too late.:
Who
are you, me? Got enough numbers there
Mr. Math Magician? “Struck”. And the weird apparent meaning in this (if
you don’t get too distracted) is wild enough to earn this a place in my already
established kingdom of strange abstract trash that will likely endure the death
of everything else because it’s too complex and useless to do anything else, like
Styrofoam. (54%)
-The
Black Shirts confiscated my house and liberated my wife from sexual
slavery. Buncha cheeseheads.:
One
where I’ll forever remember the ending line but never the beginning. Not to say that the beginning isn’t great,
because it’s ridiculous and hilarious. “Confiscated”, “The Black Shirts”.
Whadafuck man. And that it seems at
first like the Black Shirts are the bad guys for taking the house until
apparently you realize the narrator is sexually enslaving his wife. Wut.
“Buncha” and “cheeseheads” couldn’t be better partners in that phrase
though, regardless of any/everything that may come before it. (73%)
-"Hear
me out, Isaiah. I have a message for
you," I said as we hid inside the black temple. His finger was on the nuclear armageddon
button.:
Haha,
I like the mind-clearing simplicity of the direction that these names have been
going (night school, domestic violence, and world destruction) as a contrast to
the relentlessly deep, murky, and deceptive directions of much of Edward’s previous
college writing. This sounds like a sort
of calm one might get even after the craziest of circumstances, like whatever
it took to obtain a nuclear armageddon button.
“Hear me out” is such a casual phrase, it’s stupid and great. “Black temple” may be more or less than it
means here, best not to stare. I have a
weird feeling this one may get better in time. (64%)
-The
old cripple wheeled himself down the grassy hill slowly, taking in every detail
as if this day was to be his last, smiling at the rising sun. Randy shot him in the face and took his
wheelchair for a joyride out on Grand Street.:
It’s
like I wrote the first sentence and Greg the second. But it was Edward with the design to merge
such things. “Old cripple” is a
priceless character that you can’t lose with, even (or especially) when you use
the act of shooting yet another person in the face and proceed to raise the pot
even more with “Grand Street”. I feel
like I could buy this name at Wal-Mart and never stop loving it. (78%)
-"Yeah,
he had britches all right. Seven
thousand pairs of 'em!" She stared
at me in awe, and I slipped the five into the policeman's pocket.:
You
know I’m a sucker for conversation names, and an even bigger one for
conversation names with the entirety of the dialogue cut off. It’s an absurdly simple and great gag (see
Lloyd’s joke during the montage in Dumb
and Dumber in the ski lodge). My
favorite part here, other than “seven thousand” is that she stares at him in
awe as opposed to any other state of mind. (60%)
-The
rotten cheese atheist rained on my parade one too many times.:
More
cheese, but a great “depressing” name, a type I’m of course quite fond of; also
like the definitive nature of the whole thing, not leading one way or another.
(65%)
-"Tuesday
night we're going over to the coliseum.
Should be fun. Varsity Blues vs. Picasso's Blue
Period. The bag of Twizzlers is up for
grabs!" Veronica gave me a sneer
that showed this wasn't the right time.:
This
has stood out in my mind from this list (along with “buncha cheeseheads”) for
its extreme and jarring structure. It
seems like another name got written over top of another and then someone just
transcribed them together, a form Ryan patented earlier than we ever knew. But if you say anything about this, you just
can’t knock the fucking Blue Period, what a great damn period and concept. “Should be fun”. (73%)
-The
great artist Samuel studied twenty ugly faces and twenty attractive faces for
his masterwork. His mother scolded him
for putting her in the ugly set.:
One of
the great names that no one remembers enough.
Somehow combining an original conceptual piece with not just childish
punchlines, but an endearing underbelly of Samuel being an artist of odd taste
and intriguing skill, plus just for the choice of “scolded” is such a nostalgic
term in the face of all these cold-growing-colder-world names. Edward was always about great artists, great
art, great history, basically anything that stands the test of time, whereas I
tended toward the fleeting, the non-sequitor, and the abstract. It was a fine balance, and our themes often
overlapped, but I’ll be looking for Samuel some years down the road to see how
he’s faired against the weathering and aging of all things. (84%)
-Jebediah
felt a cold chill when he peeked under the robes of his nine-year old cousin
and saw the hard, wrinkly skin of disease.: one for the disturbed audience
sitting restlessly out there. Something
about describing the skin in general versus specific anatomy makes this name
worlds darker, though I can’t really describe why. “Hard”.
(“Disease”.) This shit is best kept in the drawers (and pulled out when
drunk and looking for shock and/or laugh). (70%)
-I sat
quietly on my stool at the Hedonist Club while a horsy looking Oriental woman
gave me a lap dance, pondering the validity of the establishment's name until
Big Hairy Roger came in with a pair of flamethrowers and we got to killing some
Native Americans.: haha, this name is so reckless and careless it’s
wonderful. It returns to the days when
writing loose held more weight than writing deep. Not to say that loose writing can’t be deep
or vice versa, but in this name, it’s all about getting your fill and getting
the fuck on to the next course. “Horsy”
gives this all the credibility it needs.
I also like that the protagonist is on a stool. Go figure.
It also feels like something out of Watchmen (the flamethrowers and
nonchalant genocide). (67%)
-Frito
took his daily trip to the methadone clinic and wondered what the use was
anymore.: a whopper. A
too-full-about-to-burst water balloon.
This comes mostly from the sharp drop off of the whole thing after
getting used to Edward stringing us a few characters, plot twists, or at least
descriptors before closing up shop. It’s
hard not to look past this one’s cold eyes. (75%)
-Ray
the carpenter spotted the armies of Vandals and Goths pouring over the hills
towards our village. After he warned
everyone and fled to the forests with the women and children, the local defense
forced readied the proton torpedoes and launched what few TIE fighters we
had. Everyone was ready to spill
Germanic blood. I could see it in their
eyes.: the flow of this name from the distant background right to the face of
the narrator makes the trip of this name feverish and surprisingly
ambitious. Obviously a wild take on time
periods and fantasies (and a welcome one – “Vandals and Goths”), it starts out
in the third person, switches to a collective “we”, and then finishes with the
reader staring into his compatriots beside him.
A steady rise to relevance.
“That’s some heavy stuff Doc.” (68%)
-"Oh,
yeah, he's a conformist, but he's real good with the bow and arrow." I agreed with him. He was a good shot.: stupid, great, and
tactful. (62%)
-Osmosis
Jones vs. Jones the cat from Alien.who
wins?: I knew it was only a matter of time before I arrived at this name. We (right?) all know of Edward’s feelings
towards the Alien series (meaning the
first two…), and none of us should really disagree. I love the ending to this
though. (58%)
-Francie
doll was a Persian's woman-stout, astute, able-bodied, her nipples were
pierced. We spent a few nights up
studying the ancient Babylonian texts before she aborted my only child.: fuck,
this one just made me laugh out loud. I
completely forgot about this name. Although
it doesn’t really stand out from Edward’s many names in terms of being thick
with historically shaded descriptors, casual sex (although now that I look, the
only actual reference to sex is the abortion), academia, and fun,
jaunt-narratives from a first-person narrative, I just thought the quick
“before she aborted my only child” ending was hilarious. It makes the opening meticulous details into
a great diversion for both the narrator and reader before slapping down an
event that, in contrast to a pierced-nipple, able-bodied woman up for shagging
and deep nights (is “doll” just a nickname?), is stupidly tragic. “Only” gives the narrator a touch of longing
and just makes the flip at the end funnier. “A Persian’s woman”. (86%)
-Gorilla
junction* *The gates to paradise: granted, I’m coming into this
name maybe a year and a half later than when I wrote the rest of the commentary
above, this name should not be denied what it is for my Twainian pauses:
superbly innovative, while basically needing very little. I imagine we’d find ourselves staring at this
sign, “Gorilla junction”, with all of us starving, sweating, and looking to
Gandalf to determine the correct path to continue on. Meanwhile, in the back of one the quieter one’s
heads, they know the very meaning of such a junction and can see it clearly
what this junction leads to. Yet, none
of us are likely to ever see it, let alone know its meaning. But seriously folks, that was a solid
innovation of punctuation and construction in name-writing: 71%
-Ronnie
had wet nightmares after Janis Joplin came into his room and tried to fuck him:
you’re not going to get away from this one.
She found him, and she fucked him.
Poor, poor Ronnie and his “wet” nightmares. Haha. (68%)
-While
she was in the shower, Marty McFly rummaged through her underwear drawer, found
her rosary beads, and licked them with relish: distinctly absurd. Details of this name that I wasn’t ever
capable of pulling out of my hat, but Edward stumbles upon them like he’s
trying to get rid of sweet clues: “rosary beads”, “licked them with relish”. Marty McFly is the sweet celebrity of this
telethon, clearly. (74%)
-Her
storytelling fitness regimen was starting to wear me out. And I had the suspicion some of the other
kids were on steroids.: I began to enjoy finding storytelling as our alternate
universe in both what we did with names and what we wrote about within the
names. I would’ve wanted this one to
deepen or continue further on its track past where it stopped abruptly at. But
then again, the narrator was worn out, so better to quit while the steroid-infused
bastards were ahead. (58%)
-The
half-ton silverback gorilla and I raced across the plain, his sinewy muscles
rippling beneath blankets of midnight fur.
My breathing was harsh and labored, and I looked into his angry eyes for
a second before pressing harder. The
dull and mighty thumps from his strides pounded in my ears as my legs were
weighed down by the insidious tentacles of lactic acid. Open sky was overwhelmed by a canopy of
trees, birds chattering the triumphant cry of our arrival into their
domain. Suddenly I came to an abrupt
stop, and the great beast pushed on. I
watched as its massive spinning frame plunged over the edge of the cliff and
laughed at its insignificant brain. I
was a little tired, but I was going into the city to get laid by a hooker.: a
great, beautiful name that has grown in time and saga with its various returns
to fame. By that I mean that Ryan was
drawing an interpretation of this name at my consistent and probably
overwhelming demand (I wanted him to draw any name, and I think he chose this
one to my delight). If for nothing else,
I love that Edward’s beautiful and mini-epics return to some sort of ape in
some sort of deep challenge, struggle, battle, or conundrum. Meanwhile, the human proves himself smarter
and therefore much more susceptible to darker depths than even plunging off the
edge of a cliff. Planet of the Apes
themes always seem to resonant deeper than anyone really wants to admit. Let me now just take a second to nod to: “The
dull and mighty thumps from his strides pounded in my ears as my legs were
weighed down by the insidious tentacles of lactic acid” and “half-ton” and “midnight
fur”. (89%)
Saturday, June 30, 2012
The Big Beesy
Get your feet licked.
The ground’s covered
In balcony dripped
Saliva.
Framed in potholes,
Your neon apparitions
Await you.
Enter the honeycomb
To a melt of music;
Here they charge you
For deafness.
Old faces across the wall
Sweat an elixir of gas.
You molecule you dance
In a hive on the drift.
The queen, she croons.
The ground’s covered
In balcony dripped
Saliva.
Framed in potholes,
Your neon apparitions
Await you.
Enter the honeycomb
To a melt of music;
Here they charge you
For deafness.
Old faces across the wall
Sweat an elixir of gas.
You molecule you dance
In a hive on the drift.
The queen, she croons.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Attack the Block: A Review
Attack the Block is one of those rare, fresh-air kind of films you run into every so often. It took a novel concept, and a modest budget, and squeezed the absolute maximum out of it possible. Attack the Block is set in south London, in an area known as the "ends" by our unlikely heroes, a gang of teenage thugs and muggers. We see our protagonists at work being unsavory right off the bat, mugging a terrified woman on her way home from work. It's not until aliens start crash landing all over the "block" and these kids are forced to defend themselves and others from harm do we see the true measure of their character. Many trials and tribulations occur, along with some genuinely clever scenes and plot twists, and we are allowed to see these kids for what they really are, kids. Kids with no purpose or role model, forced to deal with a harsh world on their own terms, suddenly thrust into a situation where they realize what pride, community, and sacrifice are all about.
Attack the Block does what few (recent) science fiction films have been able to do successfully, tie a story about space into a current social issue. In this case, we see the plight of the ghetto and it's inhabitants projected against monsters and interstellar fighting. We are shown that violence begets more violence, and that it is up to all of us to decide who we are and what we want to do with our lives. That living in the projects doesn't make you who you are, that heroes do in fact come from the least likely places. Attack the Block also does a surprisingly good job of building an arc for Moses, the leader of the teenage gang, that resonates with the viewer and gives you a feeling of closure when the film ends. Add that in with the effectiveness of the monsters, with their signature glowing fangs, and the excellent direction, and you have a sci-fi film that can rest comfortably in my top 5 of 2011.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Love Exposure: A Review
Love Exposure is the most Japanese movie ever made.
What that exactly means is a bit more complex and strange, just like the film itself. Love Exposure, at its base, is a romance. But, it's a romance distilled through the diverse and seemingly incompatable influences of Catholicism, upskirt photography, cross-dressing, cults/brainwashing, coreographed fighting, and graphic violence. Spread out over a seemingly immense 237 minutes, Love Exposure follows the trials and tribulations of Yu Honda, a quiet son of a Priest who seeks out a life of sin to please his father's obsession with them. Yu begins to train to snap photos of girl's panties, not because he finds pleasure in them, but because he wants to commit a sin even his hypocritical father finds reprehensable. Eventually these actions cause Yu to become entangled in the plots of a cult-like group called Zero Church, and fall in love with a man-hating girl named Yoko while he is dressed in drag. The myriad of places the movie eventually go are unexpected, yet surprisingly touching and disturbing in equal turns.
Love Exposure explores religion in a way Japanese films only seem capable of at times. The beauty and dangers of faith are displayed equally, and both serve to further the film's narrative. We see the church become a beacon of hope and light, of comfort and care for our protagonist, then suddenly turned into an instrument of hate and guilt because of the failings of men and women. We see people who use that sense of security to manipulate and harm, and we see people who would wear the mantle of faith to give forgiveness to those who may not deserve it, but because it is expected. We see Yu transform over time as he sees sin as something to collect to impress his distant father, who is also a Catholic Priest struggling with his own weaknesses. But, Yu is never anything other than earnestly trying to find love and acceptance, from his family and from the ideal woman he desperately seeks. But, his earnestness and naivety is turned against him by a damaged young girl who operates a cult in order to hold control over as many lives as possible. She claims to be interested in him, but her own horrible and violent past leads her to show her affections more in the vein of breaking him forever versus love and affection.
The film uses a very crude, yet immediately familiar symbol to show "true love" as it were. Yu is shown to never take any kind of pleasure from the photos he snaps, to the point he admits he has never had an erection. He is told he must "become erect from the heart" and continue his search. And, as to be expected, the presence, or lack thereof, of Yu's erections becomes part of the narrative. To his first one, to his inability to control himself around the one he loves, to the cult's attempts to brainwash it out of him, the states of Yu's arousal becomes a mise en scene for the mood of the character. Even reading it in text makes it seems vulgar and rediculous, which it is in part, but there's an unabashed energy to the film that makes it all seem to fit in. Not to mention the contrast we have between Yu, whose erections are presented as almost innocent and pure, and the abusive, dangerous men in the film that shape our female cast. And, of course, the most graphic scene in the film where one man's erection is removed with a incredibly violent, cringe-inducing moment. You'll know it when you see it. And it will add a very unsettling context to the way one of our characters views men.
When viewed as an whole, it becomes very difficult to classify Love Exposure. It's a tragedy, a romance, a drama, a comedy, even a bit of a horror story. It's a film about a small group of people with repressed, abnormal views on sex, love, religion, and society. It's a film about how love shatters preconceptions, but can also reinforce stereotypes. How belonging to something larger than yourself can divide as often as it unites. And, how sometimes a boner can be the most pure sign of love there can be. There's comedy, depression, cross-dressing, weird insular cultures, and even a rampaging swordsman. So, in other words, the most Japanese film ever made.
Love Exposure is a modern classic, and I would consider it a must-watch for all cinema fans. Be prepared for a long journey, but one that is entirely worth taking. 10/10
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The Top 100 Rock Guitar Solos of All Time--9-1
9.) "Texas Flood" (Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble)
Along with Jimi Hendrix, Steve Vai, and Eddie Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughan has one of the most recognizable, unique guitar sounds out there. From the very first note he plays, you cannot mistake his absolutely muscular tone and absurdly aggressive attack on the guitar. In my opinion the greatest blues guitar player of all time, Stevie helped bring a once-obscure genre of music that helped form the foundations of rock and roll into the spotlight with his great string of '80s albums that unfortunately came to an end with his early demise (like many others on this list). From my own experience with playing the guitar, first, it's very hard to have a distinctive sound all one's own; and second, it's almost impossible to sound as confident and supremely aggressive as Stevie does. He attacks every single note he plays. His bends sound like he's wringing every last drop of sweat, come, and tears out of his poor guitar. I think Stevie puts more passion into his playing than any other guitarist out there, bar none. This is reflected in his live playing, where he absolutely puts every last inch of his soul into the performances.
And no song quite captures all of the aspects of his playing like his masterpiece, "Texas Flood." His guitar lines are so stinging in this song. They feel like they are needles piercing all over your brain. Following a classic intro solo, Stevie fills every second he's not singing (sublimely) with biting, torrential fills that are finer licks than most guitarists ever solo in their entire careers. When he hits that extended solo, it's like the dams have burst and the flood waters are washing over the speakers. What utterly perfect phrasing. What King Kong attitude. No one plays with such balls as Stevie does. That part with the whammy-bar-drooping notes at 3:33 is exquisite. The way he bends that one note at 3:17 into oblivion symbolizes his relentlessness and the utter heartbreak of the blues--not a romantic heartbreak, but a weary disappointment that the world will never fail to let you down. I love the way that Stevie depicts the kind of bleak desolation and savageness that Texas can be known for (think Blood Simple or Cormac McCarthy) using the raw attack of his electric axe. What an earth-shattering solo (in the very best way).
8.) "Free Bird" (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
What's a guitar solo list without "Free Bird"? Nothing. The most American and stupid of all of the guitar solos on this list, it's still so overpowering and awesome that it swoops well into the top ten. What started as the rock anthem of the American South has turned into several things: a joke at concerts, where the audience yells at whoever is playing to, "Play 'Free Bird'!"; the awesome finale song in Guitar Hero II that still vexes Bernie Romano to this day; and one of the all-time great songs that symbolizes the restless quest for freedom, independence, and ultimately liberation that defines rock and roll at its very core. While the first half of the song is pretty great, what really turns the song into a classic is its five-minute outro solo, which is filled with the exciting dueling guitars of Skynyrd's three (is this really necessary? The answer is yes, and the justification is "Free Bird") lead guitarists. Who doesn't get a rush of adrenaline and goosebumps on their skin when that solo kicks into gear? Hats off to Skynyrd for actually making a five-minute solo that is consistently interesting and listenable, especially to a pop audience. This really isn't as easy as it sounds, but Skynyrd has always had a great ear for catchy, clean, and outstanding guitar lines. They are one of the most guitar-driven bands of their era. They didn't particularly have a great rhythm section or an interesting vocalist, but their songs were always full of tasty guitar licks and memorable solos. As Guitar Hero II keenly observed, this is one of the great encore/finale songs of all time. There is nothing else that quite sums up a listening experience like the steadily mounting rhythms of "Free Bird"'s climax. There are plenty of Skynyrd live versions out there that are even longer than the studio's nine-minute run-time. God bless 'em, Lynyrd Skynyrd struck pay-dirt when they penned this immortal ode about the quintessential American loner.
7.) "Hotel California" (The Eagles)
Like several of the other picks in the top ten, this solo belongs in one of the truly great rock songs of any era. While "Free Bird" or "November Rain" are renowned as classics because of their spectacular guitar solos, "Hotel California" would be up on that pantheon whether Don Felder and Joe Walsh's solo was included in the song or not. The song's mysteriously beautiful lyrics and music are simply unsurpassed in pop music. Just as nothing in the Eagles' catalogue (despite their unmistakable sense of pop craftsmanship and spellbinding vocal harmonies that, believe me, I don't discredit) could have prepared us for the overpowering presence of "Hotel" (like a dazzling gemstone, it is one of rock music's perfect songs), no guitar solos from the Eagles could have prepared us for the mighty coda to "Hotel." Walsh and Felder manage to sustain the enigmatic nature of the rest of the song in the two-minute closing solo, but most importantly, they grab the listener by changing the course of the song completely.
"Hotel" is about being lost in a world where you feel out of control. Despite the glamor and glitz and sex appeal on the surface, there is ultimately a sense of unease that pervades the narration of the song. Eventually, the narrator feels like he cannot escape--that he is trapped by forces out of his control, which he can't even begin to comprehend. Throughout all of this, the music serves as an soothing background to the singer's plight, drawing him into its dark beauty until he finds himself hopelessly lost. As the singer finally realizes his fate, this Other that has trapped him takes over in the guise of an overpoweringly magnetic solo. Ultimately the song isn't about one man losing himself. It's about the Hotel itself. It's about all of the undefinable things out there that threaten the very fabric of civilized, morally "good" life. It's about the allure of evil and sin. And evil can be very beautiful, as this eternal solo proves. Good may make you sleep well at night, but it will never have the raw power that this solo has. This is the most melodically satisfying guitar solo that there is.
6.) "Fade to Black" (Metallica)
Even more than "Hotel California," I stand in awe of this song. The melodic beauty of "Hotel"'s solo is carried over into the entire seven minutes of "Fade." There is not one moment in this song that doesn't make perfect sense when you look at it from the sense of crafting a truly beautiful song. As far as I'm concerned, this is metal's finest hour. It has been topped in epic grandeur and in musicianship, but it has never been topped in emotional affectation. Like "Hotel," it proves that the truest sense of beauty and depth in art comes more often than not from our negative experiences of the world around us. To me, there will always be something more powerful about sadness, loss, and despair than there is with mirth, cheer, and glee. This can be carried onto a grander scale when we look at the existential questions of life and death and the nature of the world we live in, but that isn't something I will go into here, because, really, that isn't what this list is about. But don't fool yourself that these issues aren't what's at the heart of the hauntingly bare acoustic arpeggios and the ironic clarity of Kirk Hammett's lead guitar lines.
"Fade" isn't so much on here for any one solo (although the end one is indeed mighty). Rather, I have placed it so high because of every single guitar note in this song, all of which I believe are perfectly placed and played. I can't listen to this song without being wowed by its perfection, as I mentioned in the first sentence. The chord progression that Metallica bases this song off of is so desperately sad, yet so mournfully resigned to its eventual fade-out to nothingness, that it is jarring to the soul. The pure beauty of sadness is the core of the guitar in this song. As many writers and musicians have no doubt mused over the years, there is no emotion better suited to beauty in art than sadness. Hammett's slow solos are a picture of restraint and taste, yet an ode to all of the world-weary souls out there who feel that they aren't meant for this old world. James Hetfield's rhythm guitar work, from the resignation of the acoustic verses, to the bitterness of the wordless choruses, to the building intensity of the pre-coda riff (one of my very favorites), perfectly matches his inspired lyrics of building hopelessness and, finally, death. Like "Hotel California"'s solo, Hammett's final, blistering attack seems like something greater than this one story of someone alone and in pain. It seems like he is railing against all of the pain and cruelty in the world, but like the song's subject, even his impassioned cry for the suffering must fade out into blackness. No one can ultimately win against the odds.
5.) "For the Love of God" (Steve Vai)
A composition like "For the Love of God" is really what sets Steve Vai apart as the greatest of all guitarists in my opinion. Sure, lots of guitarists have been more popular, more influential, or better technically (I'm thinking of Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, and, say, Buckethead, respectively, although you could say that no one combines all of the various levels of technical proficiency in all of the different kinds of music and styles like Vai does), but can anyone use their guitar prowess to express the complexity of the human soul like Vai can? I truly don't believe that any guitarist other than Vai could write entire pieces like this and my next pick from him three slots above this. Sure, others can play them, but really, the composition is what sets him apart. His style is so very unique. Vai uses all of his technical mastery to bring real emotion and complexity to his solos, instead of just showing off. Perhaps Hendrix played with as much raw spiritual energy as Vai, but Vai's abilities have better allowed him to focus this tremendous locus of power into the music itself. When listening to Hendrix, I always feel as if his guitar is attempting in vain to reproduce the intensity of his soul. When I listen to Vai, the lucidity of his playing--his dazzling amount of technical abilities allowing him to play whatever he hears in his head and his heart--perfectly expresses the maelstrom of emotional undercurrents and bombastic ideas that define human existence. I feel that he is the true heir to Hendrix's explosive creativity and originality. A more refined heir, if you will.
"For the Love of God" is easily his most famous composition. Like the metaphor of "Tender Surrender" as a seduction and consummation ritual, "FtLoG" is perfectly structured. Its opening notes jump out of the speaker, the tone so very confident and clear. This is a call to the Great Beyond, towards God. What Vai believes in is not the personalized God of the West, but the pantheism that defines the ancient East. The Divine is all around us, permeating the very fabric of the cosmos, and we can find It if only we know how to look for It. The solo slowly builds in intensity, before unleashing in a blistering fury, like the religious frenzy of the Sufis or other mystics. As I've read elsewhere, what makes "FtLoG"'s shredding different than the other mindless noodling of the time period was that here it feels earned. Vai doesn't use his boundless technique to masturbate, but to reach his soul beyond his body towards the Other. The note at 2:58 is the most perfect I have ever heard on a guitar. This is a fragment of something bigger than us. The spiritual depth of this solo is unparalleled.
4.) "Mr. Crowley" (Ozzy Osbourne)
Damn, they seem to have gotten rid of the studio versions of Ozzy's solo career songs from YouTube, just like I ran into with "Crazy Train." But here's a great live version featuring Randy at his peak. Here's a great video of someone covering Randy's guitar part: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTpOk1dLvyM.
I could never decide which of the two solos I like more in "Mr. Crowley," Randy's masterpiece. Ultimately, I think they will always be tied for me. He is the rare metal guitarist that brings a stately, almost European sense of melancholy and sadness to his guitar solos. No matter their structural perfection, one cannot help but feel this sense of Virgilian loss in Randy's playing, which unhappily foreshadowed his early passing. This mood is especially clear in the outro solo of "Crowley," but also evident in the more aggressive first solo. The first solo always dazzles me with its rare sense of confidence, as well as its melodic expressiveness. Randy's technique is blistering, yet even at his fastest and most difficult, he's able to create phrases that are both immensely memorable and harmonically correct. As always, everything fits neatly into place in the solos of "Mr. Crowley," again showing the influence of Randy's classical training. The second solo seems almost like a suicide note, because it is so sad yet so stark in its clarity and simplicity. "Mr. Crowley" is the ultimate example of using guitar solos to build on the tonal theme of a song, which in this case is the misunderstood loneliness of a deeply charismatic, unhappy man.
3.) "Comfortably Numb" (Pink Floyd)
David Gilmour's expressionistic guitar reaches its utmost heights in the masterpiece that is "Comfortably Numb." He perfectly uses his two solo breaks to illustrate and further flesh out the narrative and theme of the song, which is the dark and incredibly meaningful tale of lost childhood innocence and dreams. The uplifting first solo reflects the hopes and naivete of youth, when all the world seemed like the far side of the rainbow waiting just over the horizon.
Yet it is the second, howling solo that makes us return to "Comfortably Numb" again and again. The happiness and charm of childhood (or the imagined happiness and charm of childhood) is long gone--"The child is grown/The dream is gone." To numb ourselves from the disillusionment and pain of reality, we must take drugs ("Just a little pinprick.../But you may feel a little sick") or engage in other vices to forget about that part of our soul that is missing. Gilmour's solo perfectly expresses all of the anger and bitterness that ultimately our search for meaning in life ends always with nothing to show but maggots eating out dead bodies. This isn't the punk anger of the time, railing at the Establishment. This is anger at mankind's place in the universe. Anger at our hopeless lot. And anger that we have been lied to our whole lives about these eternal realities. That is really what The Wall is all about. It's about the walls that forever are keeping ourselves from the truth out there. And really, it seems that the truth is that everything is a big lie--a vacuous hole full of nothing.
From a musical standpoint, what really elevates this solo to another level is the tremendous backing instrumentation that Gilmour launches his playing into. The build-up into the solo is fabulous. There is such a sense of expectation before Gilmour unleashes that first harmonic squeal into the symphony of hell. Really, that background guitar could be the funereal requiem for the death of a war god or something. It's some really heavy shit.
2.) "Windows to the Soul" (Steve Vai)
There is no more emotionally expressive guitar solo than Vai's in "Windows to the Soul." He pulls out every stop to make his guitar cry and sing on this tour de force. He is the only guitarist with two solos in my top ten (and my favorite guitarist) for a reason. His feel--that immeasurable, indispensable capacity for rendering human experiences, thoughts, and feelings through his instrument and into the listener's ears--is unsurpassed in the history of rock music. Others have been able to express individual styles or emotions more adeptly (SRV and others with the blues, Jimi Hendrix with the psychedelic mindset, and Tony Iommi's ability to single-handedly spell doom with the sludge of his immortal riffs), but in my experience none has ever put all of these unique styles together, along with the breadth and depth of human emotional experience, better than the virtuoso Steve Vai. Quibble over which of his solos is the best all you want, but my pick is most certainly "Windows."
More than any of his other solos this one is able to fuse together melodic grace with his immense technique. There are many moments of sublimity in this paean to eternal beauty, from that gorgeous whammy-teardrop at 2:45 (while Joe Satriani comes close, no one has ever been able to use the whammy bar with such effortless style as Steve Vai--he can capture the full scale of emotions just from using his bar, from laughing to crying to talking) to the almost overpowering moments of overflowing passion at 3:40 to the way he bends and picks those notes at 4:13...Jesus, that's fucking perfect. I really can't find too many more words here to describe the way Vai plays beautifully here. I'm just not as good of a writer as he is a guitar player. Every single fucking note in this is somehow subtly (or not-so-subtly) finessed to fit the theme of spiritual and physical exquisiteness that drives not only this song, but Steve Vai's entire musical career. From a gracefully bent and vibrato-ed note to a run of astounding precision, skill, and placement, Vai's unnatural communion with his guitar is an inspiration for me to one day pick one up again and try to be the best I can be on it. I think it would do a work of art like this a disservice if we only let it discourage us from ever trying.
1.) "Crushing Day" (Joe Satriani)
I'm sure you guys have had it up to here (motioning towards my irregularly high-up and broad shoulders) with all of this spiritual mumbo jumbo I've been spouting off about. Aren't guitar solos really just about rocking out? Well, never fear--Joe Satriani is here. From what he's said, this is one of the only solos he composed before recording, since his usual method was to go into the studio and improvise various solos over the backing tracks of each of his songs. As great as his career is (great enough to be my second favorite guitarist!), I wish he had learned from the ridiculous results of this solo and kept plotting out his solos beforehand! God, the jaw-dropping technique, the elegant sense of structural composition, and the sheer audacity of this solo is enough to make the hairs stand up on my arms every single time I hear this one. Even though it's the third track on this classic album (Surfing with the Alien, my pick for the best guitar album out there), coming after the magnificent solos of "Surfing with the Alien" (see #38) and "Ice #9," nothing could have ever prepared me for the exhilaration of listening to this one for the first time. I was already impressed by the strong melody of the tune, and the way in the second verse Satch uses his whammy bar so expressively to add exquisite phrases to complement that melody. Then there is a brief pause before the storm. Those blinding legato licks fly out of nowhere, calling and responding with just the right harmonic squeals at the end. You think this is the end. That's a pretty fucking good solo right there, Joe.
But no, it's only the beginning. Joe begins slowly with some blues licks before delivering sweeping lines of such virtuosity that he has never equaled them again. Each scalar run in this solo is so perfectly placed and played. Every single note falls into its place as if fate itself had destined it so. This is the greatest technical solo Joe has ever played, but it's the undeniable listenability that ranks it above all other solos on this list. I want to fall over every time I listen to it because it's so meticulously phrased. The aggressive confidence of this belies Joe's modest and humble nature. But one cannot help but feel the fire burning deep in his soul when we listen to this, the finest of all rock guitar solos.
So there it is, guys! Hope you have enjoyed your time reading and listening to this list. I know I've had a lot of fun writing it (although it took much longer than I expected...sorry about that). I mostly hope that my write-ups have lived up to the lofty summits of the guitar solos themselves, and that you don't find my picks too disagreeable. Please, if anyone feels that solos have been left out (chances are they only are because I haven't heard them yet), or that my ranking is inaccurate, express yourself in the comments! I love hearing feedback.
For the purposes of ease and accessibility, I have provided links here for all of the other parts of this list:
Introduction (with Honorable Mention)
Solos 100-90
Solos 89-80
Solos 79-70
Solos 69-60
Solos 59-50
Solos 49-40
Solos 39-30
Solos 29-20
Solos 19-10
And here is the entire top 100 in order so you can see the list as a whole (but please still read the write-ups, because that is what makes this list mine!):
Honorable Mention: "The Blood and Tears" (Stevie Vai)
100.) "Lotus Feet" (Steve Vai)
99.) "Head-Cuttin' Duel" (Steve Vai/Ry Cooder)
98.) "Walk This Way" (Aerosmith)
97.) "Layla" (Derek and the Dominos)
96.) "Orion" (Metallica)
95.) "Sympathy for the Devil" (The Rolling Stones)
94.) "Junkie" (Steve Vai)
93.) "Purple Haze" (The Jimi Hendrix Experience)
92.) "Spanish Fly" (Van Halen)
91.) "Dazed and Confused" (Led Zeppelin)
90.) "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" (The Beatles)
89.) "That Smell" (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
88.) "War Pigs" (Black Sabbath)
87.) "Moonage Daydream" (David Bowie)
86.) "Mean Street" (Van Halen)
85.) "You Really Got Me" (The Kinks)
84.) "Something" (The Beatles)
83.) "Light My Fire" (The Doors)
82.) "In Bloom" (Nirvana)
81.) "I Believe" (Joe Satriani)
80.) "Desert Island" (Cacophony)
79.) "Cult of Personality" (Living Colour)
78.) "Reelin' in the Years" (Steely Dan)
77.) "Hot Dog and a Shake" (David Lee Roth)
76.) "Killing in the Name" (Rage Against the Machine)
75.) "Cemetery Gates" (Pantera)
74.) "Whispering a Prayer" (Steve Vai)
73.) "Ice Cream Man" (Van Halen)
72.) "Ride the Lightning" (Metallica)
71.) "Altitudes" (Jason Becker)
70.) "Master of Puppets" (Metallica)
69.) "Circles" (Joe Satriani)
68.) "Feathers" (Steve Vai)
67.) "Cliffs of Dover" (Eric Johnson)
66.) "Stranglehold" (Ted Nugent)
65.) "Race with the Devil on a Spanish Highway" (Al DiMeola)
64.) "Hot for Teacher" (Van Halen)
63.) "Slow and Easy" (Joe Satriani)
62.) "25 or 6 to 4" (Chicago)
61.) "Call It Sleep" (Steve Vai)
60.) "Rainbow in the Dark" (Dio)
59.) "Yellow Ledbetter" (Pearl Jam)
58.) "Black Dog" (Led Zeppelin)
57.) "Goodbye to Romance" (Ozzy Osbourne)
56.) "Bohemian Rhapsody" (Queen)
55.) "Clouds Race Across the Sky" (Joe Satriani)
54.) "You Don't Remember, I'll Never Forget" (Yngwie Malmsteen)
53.) "Time" (Pink Floyd)
52.) "Warm Regards" (Steve Vai)
51.) "War" (Joe Satriani)
50.) "Heartbreaker" (Led Zeppelin)
49.) "Midnight" (Joe Satriani)
48.) "Santeria" (Sublime)
47.) "Memories" (Joe Satriani)
46.) "Over the Mountain" (Ozzy Osbourne)
45.) "Rubina" (Joe Satriani)
44.) "Misirlou" (Dick Dale)
43.) "The Forgotten, Pt. II" (Joe Satriani)
42.) "Floods" (Pantera)
41.) "Always with Me, Always with You" (Joe Satriani)
40.) "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (Chris Impellitteri)
39.) "Brothers in Arms" (Dire Straits)
38.) "Surfing with the Alien" (Joe Satriani)
37.) "Black Star" (Yngwie Malmsteen)
36.) "Ladies Nite in Buffalo" (David Lee Roth)
35.) "Whole Lotta Love" (Led Zeppelin)
34.) "White Room" (Cream)
33.) "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" (The Beatles)
32.) "Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" (The Jimi Hendrix Experience)
31.) "Binge and Grab" (Buckethead)
30.) "Is There Love in Space" (Joe Satriani)
29.) "Burning Rain" (Steve Vai)
28.) "Paradise City" (Guns N' Roses)
27.) "Beat It" (Michael Jackson)
26.) "Satch Boogie" (Joe Satriani)
25.) "Kid Charlemagne" (Steely Dan)
24.) "Stairway to Heaven" (Led Zeppelin)
23.) "Sultans of Swing" (Dire Straits)
22.) "Highway Star" (Deep Purple)
21.) "Cause We've Ended as Lovers" (Jeff Beck)
20.) "Crazy Train" (Ozzy Osbourne)
19.) "Since I've Been Loving You" (Led Zeppelin)
18.) "Beyond the Realms of Death" (Judas Priest)
17.) "Sweet Child o' Mine" (Guns N' Roses)
16.) "One" (Metallica)
15.) "Eruption" (Van Halen)
14.) "Tender Surrender" (Steve Vai)
13.) "All Along the Watchtower" (The Jimi Hendrix Experience)
12.) "Far Beyond the Sun" (Yngwie Malmsteen)
11.) "November Rain" (Guns N' Roses)
10.) "Machine Gun" (Jimi Hendrix and the Band of Gypsys)
9.) "Texas Flood" (Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble)
8.) "Free Bird" (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
7.) "Hotel California" (The Eagles)
6.) "Fade to Black" (Metallica)
5.) "For the Love of God" (Steve Vai)
4.) "Mr. Crowley" (Ozzy Osbourne)
3.) "Comfortably Numb" (Pink Floyd)
2.) "Windows to the Soul" (Steve Vai)
1.) "Crushing Day" (Joe Satriani)
Enjoy!
--Edward
Along with Jimi Hendrix, Steve Vai, and Eddie Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughan has one of the most recognizable, unique guitar sounds out there. From the very first note he plays, you cannot mistake his absolutely muscular tone and absurdly aggressive attack on the guitar. In my opinion the greatest blues guitar player of all time, Stevie helped bring a once-obscure genre of music that helped form the foundations of rock and roll into the spotlight with his great string of '80s albums that unfortunately came to an end with his early demise (like many others on this list). From my own experience with playing the guitar, first, it's very hard to have a distinctive sound all one's own; and second, it's almost impossible to sound as confident and supremely aggressive as Stevie does. He attacks every single note he plays. His bends sound like he's wringing every last drop of sweat, come, and tears out of his poor guitar. I think Stevie puts more passion into his playing than any other guitarist out there, bar none. This is reflected in his live playing, where he absolutely puts every last inch of his soul into the performances.
And no song quite captures all of the aspects of his playing like his masterpiece, "Texas Flood." His guitar lines are so stinging in this song. They feel like they are needles piercing all over your brain. Following a classic intro solo, Stevie fills every second he's not singing (sublimely) with biting, torrential fills that are finer licks than most guitarists ever solo in their entire careers. When he hits that extended solo, it's like the dams have burst and the flood waters are washing over the speakers. What utterly perfect phrasing. What King Kong attitude. No one plays with such balls as Stevie does. That part with the whammy-bar-drooping notes at 3:33 is exquisite. The way he bends that one note at 3:17 into oblivion symbolizes his relentlessness and the utter heartbreak of the blues--not a romantic heartbreak, but a weary disappointment that the world will never fail to let you down. I love the way that Stevie depicts the kind of bleak desolation and savageness that Texas can be known for (think Blood Simple or Cormac McCarthy) using the raw attack of his electric axe. What an earth-shattering solo (in the very best way).
8.) "Free Bird" (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
What's a guitar solo list without "Free Bird"? Nothing. The most American and stupid of all of the guitar solos on this list, it's still so overpowering and awesome that it swoops well into the top ten. What started as the rock anthem of the American South has turned into several things: a joke at concerts, where the audience yells at whoever is playing to, "Play 'Free Bird'!"; the awesome finale song in Guitar Hero II that still vexes Bernie Romano to this day; and one of the all-time great songs that symbolizes the restless quest for freedom, independence, and ultimately liberation that defines rock and roll at its very core. While the first half of the song is pretty great, what really turns the song into a classic is its five-minute outro solo, which is filled with the exciting dueling guitars of Skynyrd's three (is this really necessary? The answer is yes, and the justification is "Free Bird") lead guitarists. Who doesn't get a rush of adrenaline and goosebumps on their skin when that solo kicks into gear? Hats off to Skynyrd for actually making a five-minute solo that is consistently interesting and listenable, especially to a pop audience. This really isn't as easy as it sounds, but Skynyrd has always had a great ear for catchy, clean, and outstanding guitar lines. They are one of the most guitar-driven bands of their era. They didn't particularly have a great rhythm section or an interesting vocalist, but their songs were always full of tasty guitar licks and memorable solos. As Guitar Hero II keenly observed, this is one of the great encore/finale songs of all time. There is nothing else that quite sums up a listening experience like the steadily mounting rhythms of "Free Bird"'s climax. There are plenty of Skynyrd live versions out there that are even longer than the studio's nine-minute run-time. God bless 'em, Lynyrd Skynyrd struck pay-dirt when they penned this immortal ode about the quintessential American loner.
7.) "Hotel California" (The Eagles)
Like several of the other picks in the top ten, this solo belongs in one of the truly great rock songs of any era. While "Free Bird" or "November Rain" are renowned as classics because of their spectacular guitar solos, "Hotel California" would be up on that pantheon whether Don Felder and Joe Walsh's solo was included in the song or not. The song's mysteriously beautiful lyrics and music are simply unsurpassed in pop music. Just as nothing in the Eagles' catalogue (despite their unmistakable sense of pop craftsmanship and spellbinding vocal harmonies that, believe me, I don't discredit) could have prepared us for the overpowering presence of "Hotel" (like a dazzling gemstone, it is one of rock music's perfect songs), no guitar solos from the Eagles could have prepared us for the mighty coda to "Hotel." Walsh and Felder manage to sustain the enigmatic nature of the rest of the song in the two-minute closing solo, but most importantly, they grab the listener by changing the course of the song completely.
"Hotel" is about being lost in a world where you feel out of control. Despite the glamor and glitz and sex appeal on the surface, there is ultimately a sense of unease that pervades the narration of the song. Eventually, the narrator feels like he cannot escape--that he is trapped by forces out of his control, which he can't even begin to comprehend. Throughout all of this, the music serves as an soothing background to the singer's plight, drawing him into its dark beauty until he finds himself hopelessly lost. As the singer finally realizes his fate, this Other that has trapped him takes over in the guise of an overpoweringly magnetic solo. Ultimately the song isn't about one man losing himself. It's about the Hotel itself. It's about all of the undefinable things out there that threaten the very fabric of civilized, morally "good" life. It's about the allure of evil and sin. And evil can be very beautiful, as this eternal solo proves. Good may make you sleep well at night, but it will never have the raw power that this solo has. This is the most melodically satisfying guitar solo that there is.
6.) "Fade to Black" (Metallica)
Even more than "Hotel California," I stand in awe of this song. The melodic beauty of "Hotel"'s solo is carried over into the entire seven minutes of "Fade." There is not one moment in this song that doesn't make perfect sense when you look at it from the sense of crafting a truly beautiful song. As far as I'm concerned, this is metal's finest hour. It has been topped in epic grandeur and in musicianship, but it has never been topped in emotional affectation. Like "Hotel," it proves that the truest sense of beauty and depth in art comes more often than not from our negative experiences of the world around us. To me, there will always be something more powerful about sadness, loss, and despair than there is with mirth, cheer, and glee. This can be carried onto a grander scale when we look at the existential questions of life and death and the nature of the world we live in, but that isn't something I will go into here, because, really, that isn't what this list is about. But don't fool yourself that these issues aren't what's at the heart of the hauntingly bare acoustic arpeggios and the ironic clarity of Kirk Hammett's lead guitar lines.
"Fade" isn't so much on here for any one solo (although the end one is indeed mighty). Rather, I have placed it so high because of every single guitar note in this song, all of which I believe are perfectly placed and played. I can't listen to this song without being wowed by its perfection, as I mentioned in the first sentence. The chord progression that Metallica bases this song off of is so desperately sad, yet so mournfully resigned to its eventual fade-out to nothingness, that it is jarring to the soul. The pure beauty of sadness is the core of the guitar in this song. As many writers and musicians have no doubt mused over the years, there is no emotion better suited to beauty in art than sadness. Hammett's slow solos are a picture of restraint and taste, yet an ode to all of the world-weary souls out there who feel that they aren't meant for this old world. James Hetfield's rhythm guitar work, from the resignation of the acoustic verses, to the bitterness of the wordless choruses, to the building intensity of the pre-coda riff (one of my very favorites), perfectly matches his inspired lyrics of building hopelessness and, finally, death. Like "Hotel California"'s solo, Hammett's final, blistering attack seems like something greater than this one story of someone alone and in pain. It seems like he is railing against all of the pain and cruelty in the world, but like the song's subject, even his impassioned cry for the suffering must fade out into blackness. No one can ultimately win against the odds.
5.) "For the Love of God" (Steve Vai)
A composition like "For the Love of God" is really what sets Steve Vai apart as the greatest of all guitarists in my opinion. Sure, lots of guitarists have been more popular, more influential, or better technically (I'm thinking of Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, and, say, Buckethead, respectively, although you could say that no one combines all of the various levels of technical proficiency in all of the different kinds of music and styles like Vai does), but can anyone use their guitar prowess to express the complexity of the human soul like Vai can? I truly don't believe that any guitarist other than Vai could write entire pieces like this and my next pick from him three slots above this. Sure, others can play them, but really, the composition is what sets him apart. His style is so very unique. Vai uses all of his technical mastery to bring real emotion and complexity to his solos, instead of just showing off. Perhaps Hendrix played with as much raw spiritual energy as Vai, but Vai's abilities have better allowed him to focus this tremendous locus of power into the music itself. When listening to Hendrix, I always feel as if his guitar is attempting in vain to reproduce the intensity of his soul. When I listen to Vai, the lucidity of his playing--his dazzling amount of technical abilities allowing him to play whatever he hears in his head and his heart--perfectly expresses the maelstrom of emotional undercurrents and bombastic ideas that define human existence. I feel that he is the true heir to Hendrix's explosive creativity and originality. A more refined heir, if you will.
"For the Love of God" is easily his most famous composition. Like the metaphor of "Tender Surrender" as a seduction and consummation ritual, "FtLoG" is perfectly structured. Its opening notes jump out of the speaker, the tone so very confident and clear. This is a call to the Great Beyond, towards God. What Vai believes in is not the personalized God of the West, but the pantheism that defines the ancient East. The Divine is all around us, permeating the very fabric of the cosmos, and we can find It if only we know how to look for It. The solo slowly builds in intensity, before unleashing in a blistering fury, like the religious frenzy of the Sufis or other mystics. As I've read elsewhere, what makes "FtLoG"'s shredding different than the other mindless noodling of the time period was that here it feels earned. Vai doesn't use his boundless technique to masturbate, but to reach his soul beyond his body towards the Other. The note at 2:58 is the most perfect I have ever heard on a guitar. This is a fragment of something bigger than us. The spiritual depth of this solo is unparalleled.
4.) "Mr. Crowley" (Ozzy Osbourne)
Damn, they seem to have gotten rid of the studio versions of Ozzy's solo career songs from YouTube, just like I ran into with "Crazy Train." But here's a great live version featuring Randy at his peak. Here's a great video of someone covering Randy's guitar part: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTpOk1dLvyM.
I could never decide which of the two solos I like more in "Mr. Crowley," Randy's masterpiece. Ultimately, I think they will always be tied for me. He is the rare metal guitarist that brings a stately, almost European sense of melancholy and sadness to his guitar solos. No matter their structural perfection, one cannot help but feel this sense of Virgilian loss in Randy's playing, which unhappily foreshadowed his early passing. This mood is especially clear in the outro solo of "Crowley," but also evident in the more aggressive first solo. The first solo always dazzles me with its rare sense of confidence, as well as its melodic expressiveness. Randy's technique is blistering, yet even at his fastest and most difficult, he's able to create phrases that are both immensely memorable and harmonically correct. As always, everything fits neatly into place in the solos of "Mr. Crowley," again showing the influence of Randy's classical training. The second solo seems almost like a suicide note, because it is so sad yet so stark in its clarity and simplicity. "Mr. Crowley" is the ultimate example of using guitar solos to build on the tonal theme of a song, which in this case is the misunderstood loneliness of a deeply charismatic, unhappy man.
3.) "Comfortably Numb" (Pink Floyd)
David Gilmour's expressionistic guitar reaches its utmost heights in the masterpiece that is "Comfortably Numb." He perfectly uses his two solo breaks to illustrate and further flesh out the narrative and theme of the song, which is the dark and incredibly meaningful tale of lost childhood innocence and dreams. The uplifting first solo reflects the hopes and naivete of youth, when all the world seemed like the far side of the rainbow waiting just over the horizon.
Yet it is the second, howling solo that makes us return to "Comfortably Numb" again and again. The happiness and charm of childhood (or the imagined happiness and charm of childhood) is long gone--"The child is grown/The dream is gone." To numb ourselves from the disillusionment and pain of reality, we must take drugs ("Just a little pinprick.../But you may feel a little sick") or engage in other vices to forget about that part of our soul that is missing. Gilmour's solo perfectly expresses all of the anger and bitterness that ultimately our search for meaning in life ends always with nothing to show but maggots eating out dead bodies. This isn't the punk anger of the time, railing at the Establishment. This is anger at mankind's place in the universe. Anger at our hopeless lot. And anger that we have been lied to our whole lives about these eternal realities. That is really what The Wall is all about. It's about the walls that forever are keeping ourselves from the truth out there. And really, it seems that the truth is that everything is a big lie--a vacuous hole full of nothing.
From a musical standpoint, what really elevates this solo to another level is the tremendous backing instrumentation that Gilmour launches his playing into. The build-up into the solo is fabulous. There is such a sense of expectation before Gilmour unleashes that first harmonic squeal into the symphony of hell. Really, that background guitar could be the funereal requiem for the death of a war god or something. It's some really heavy shit.
2.) "Windows to the Soul" (Steve Vai)
There is no more emotionally expressive guitar solo than Vai's in "Windows to the Soul." He pulls out every stop to make his guitar cry and sing on this tour de force. He is the only guitarist with two solos in my top ten (and my favorite guitarist) for a reason. His feel--that immeasurable, indispensable capacity for rendering human experiences, thoughts, and feelings through his instrument and into the listener's ears--is unsurpassed in the history of rock music. Others have been able to express individual styles or emotions more adeptly (SRV and others with the blues, Jimi Hendrix with the psychedelic mindset, and Tony Iommi's ability to single-handedly spell doom with the sludge of his immortal riffs), but in my experience none has ever put all of these unique styles together, along with the breadth and depth of human emotional experience, better than the virtuoso Steve Vai. Quibble over which of his solos is the best all you want, but my pick is most certainly "Windows."
More than any of his other solos this one is able to fuse together melodic grace with his immense technique. There are many moments of sublimity in this paean to eternal beauty, from that gorgeous whammy-teardrop at 2:45 (while Joe Satriani comes close, no one has ever been able to use the whammy bar with such effortless style as Steve Vai--he can capture the full scale of emotions just from using his bar, from laughing to crying to talking) to the almost overpowering moments of overflowing passion at 3:40 to the way he bends and picks those notes at 4:13...Jesus, that's fucking perfect. I really can't find too many more words here to describe the way Vai plays beautifully here. I'm just not as good of a writer as he is a guitar player. Every single fucking note in this is somehow subtly (or not-so-subtly) finessed to fit the theme of spiritual and physical exquisiteness that drives not only this song, but Steve Vai's entire musical career. From a gracefully bent and vibrato-ed note to a run of astounding precision, skill, and placement, Vai's unnatural communion with his guitar is an inspiration for me to one day pick one up again and try to be the best I can be on it. I think it would do a work of art like this a disservice if we only let it discourage us from ever trying.
1.) "Crushing Day" (Joe Satriani)
I'm sure you guys have had it up to here (motioning towards my irregularly high-up and broad shoulders) with all of this spiritual mumbo jumbo I've been spouting off about. Aren't guitar solos really just about rocking out? Well, never fear--Joe Satriani is here. From what he's said, this is one of the only solos he composed before recording, since his usual method was to go into the studio and improvise various solos over the backing tracks of each of his songs. As great as his career is (great enough to be my second favorite guitarist!), I wish he had learned from the ridiculous results of this solo and kept plotting out his solos beforehand! God, the jaw-dropping technique, the elegant sense of structural composition, and the sheer audacity of this solo is enough to make the hairs stand up on my arms every single time I hear this one. Even though it's the third track on this classic album (Surfing with the Alien, my pick for the best guitar album out there), coming after the magnificent solos of "Surfing with the Alien" (see #38) and "Ice #9," nothing could have ever prepared me for the exhilaration of listening to this one for the first time. I was already impressed by the strong melody of the tune, and the way in the second verse Satch uses his whammy bar so expressively to add exquisite phrases to complement that melody. Then there is a brief pause before the storm. Those blinding legato licks fly out of nowhere, calling and responding with just the right harmonic squeals at the end. You think this is the end. That's a pretty fucking good solo right there, Joe.
But no, it's only the beginning. Joe begins slowly with some blues licks before delivering sweeping lines of such virtuosity that he has never equaled them again. Each scalar run in this solo is so perfectly placed and played. Every single note falls into its place as if fate itself had destined it so. This is the greatest technical solo Joe has ever played, but it's the undeniable listenability that ranks it above all other solos on this list. I want to fall over every time I listen to it because it's so meticulously phrased. The aggressive confidence of this belies Joe's modest and humble nature. But one cannot help but feel the fire burning deep in his soul when we listen to this, the finest of all rock guitar solos.
So there it is, guys! Hope you have enjoyed your time reading and listening to this list. I know I've had a lot of fun writing it (although it took much longer than I expected...sorry about that). I mostly hope that my write-ups have lived up to the lofty summits of the guitar solos themselves, and that you don't find my picks too disagreeable. Please, if anyone feels that solos have been left out (chances are they only are because I haven't heard them yet), or that my ranking is inaccurate, express yourself in the comments! I love hearing feedback.
For the purposes of ease and accessibility, I have provided links here for all of the other parts of this list:
Introduction (with Honorable Mention)
Solos 100-90
Solos 89-80
Solos 79-70
Solos 69-60
Solos 59-50
Solos 49-40
Solos 39-30
Solos 29-20
Solos 19-10
And here is the entire top 100 in order so you can see the list as a whole (but please still read the write-ups, because that is what makes this list mine!):
Honorable Mention: "The Blood and Tears" (Stevie Vai)
100.) "Lotus Feet" (Steve Vai)
99.) "Head-Cuttin' Duel" (Steve Vai/Ry Cooder)
98.) "Walk This Way" (Aerosmith)
97.) "Layla" (Derek and the Dominos)
96.) "Orion" (Metallica)
95.) "Sympathy for the Devil" (The Rolling Stones)
94.) "Junkie" (Steve Vai)
93.) "Purple Haze" (The Jimi Hendrix Experience)
92.) "Spanish Fly" (Van Halen)
91.) "Dazed and Confused" (Led Zeppelin)
90.) "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" (The Beatles)
89.) "That Smell" (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
88.) "War Pigs" (Black Sabbath)
87.) "Moonage Daydream" (David Bowie)
86.) "Mean Street" (Van Halen)
85.) "You Really Got Me" (The Kinks)
84.) "Something" (The Beatles)
83.) "Light My Fire" (The Doors)
82.) "In Bloom" (Nirvana)
81.) "I Believe" (Joe Satriani)
80.) "Desert Island" (Cacophony)
79.) "Cult of Personality" (Living Colour)
78.) "Reelin' in the Years" (Steely Dan)
77.) "Hot Dog and a Shake" (David Lee Roth)
76.) "Killing in the Name" (Rage Against the Machine)
75.) "Cemetery Gates" (Pantera)
74.) "Whispering a Prayer" (Steve Vai)
73.) "Ice Cream Man" (Van Halen)
72.) "Ride the Lightning" (Metallica)
71.) "Altitudes" (Jason Becker)
70.) "Master of Puppets" (Metallica)
69.) "Circles" (Joe Satriani)
68.) "Feathers" (Steve Vai)
67.) "Cliffs of Dover" (Eric Johnson)
66.) "Stranglehold" (Ted Nugent)
65.) "Race with the Devil on a Spanish Highway" (Al DiMeola)
64.) "Hot for Teacher" (Van Halen)
63.) "Slow and Easy" (Joe Satriani)
62.) "25 or 6 to 4" (Chicago)
61.) "Call It Sleep" (Steve Vai)
60.) "Rainbow in the Dark" (Dio)
59.) "Yellow Ledbetter" (Pearl Jam)
58.) "Black Dog" (Led Zeppelin)
57.) "Goodbye to Romance" (Ozzy Osbourne)
56.) "Bohemian Rhapsody" (Queen)
55.) "Clouds Race Across the Sky" (Joe Satriani)
54.) "You Don't Remember, I'll Never Forget" (Yngwie Malmsteen)
53.) "Time" (Pink Floyd)
52.) "Warm Regards" (Steve Vai)
51.) "War" (Joe Satriani)
50.) "Heartbreaker" (Led Zeppelin)
49.) "Midnight" (Joe Satriani)
48.) "Santeria" (Sublime)
47.) "Memories" (Joe Satriani)
46.) "Over the Mountain" (Ozzy Osbourne)
45.) "Rubina" (Joe Satriani)
44.) "Misirlou" (Dick Dale)
43.) "The Forgotten, Pt. II" (Joe Satriani)
42.) "Floods" (Pantera)
41.) "Always with Me, Always with You" (Joe Satriani)
40.) "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" (Chris Impellitteri)
39.) "Brothers in Arms" (Dire Straits)
38.) "Surfing with the Alien" (Joe Satriani)
37.) "Black Star" (Yngwie Malmsteen)
36.) "Ladies Nite in Buffalo" (David Lee Roth)
35.) "Whole Lotta Love" (Led Zeppelin)
34.) "White Room" (Cream)
33.) "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" (The Beatles)
32.) "Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" (The Jimi Hendrix Experience)
31.) "Binge and Grab" (Buckethead)
30.) "Is There Love in Space" (Joe Satriani)
29.) "Burning Rain" (Steve Vai)
28.) "Paradise City" (Guns N' Roses)
27.) "Beat It" (Michael Jackson)
26.) "Satch Boogie" (Joe Satriani)
25.) "Kid Charlemagne" (Steely Dan)
24.) "Stairway to Heaven" (Led Zeppelin)
23.) "Sultans of Swing" (Dire Straits)
22.) "Highway Star" (Deep Purple)
21.) "Cause We've Ended as Lovers" (Jeff Beck)
20.) "Crazy Train" (Ozzy Osbourne)
19.) "Since I've Been Loving You" (Led Zeppelin)
18.) "Beyond the Realms of Death" (Judas Priest)
17.) "Sweet Child o' Mine" (Guns N' Roses)
16.) "One" (Metallica)
15.) "Eruption" (Van Halen)
14.) "Tender Surrender" (Steve Vai)
13.) "All Along the Watchtower" (The Jimi Hendrix Experience)
12.) "Far Beyond the Sun" (Yngwie Malmsteen)
11.) "November Rain" (Guns N' Roses)
10.) "Machine Gun" (Jimi Hendrix and the Band of Gypsys)
9.) "Texas Flood" (Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble)
8.) "Free Bird" (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
7.) "Hotel California" (The Eagles)
6.) "Fade to Black" (Metallica)
5.) "For the Love of God" (Steve Vai)
4.) "Mr. Crowley" (Ozzy Osbourne)
3.) "Comfortably Numb" (Pink Floyd)
2.) "Windows to the Soul" (Steve Vai)
1.) "Crushing Day" (Joe Satriani)
Enjoy!
--Edward
Monday, December 19, 2011
Really?
Tonight, I live to tell the tale of an all-day Christmas shopping feat… Oh, you didn’t know that almost every store is open until 11pm or later this entire week before Christmas day? Well, apparently everyone and their brother’s wife’s first cousin has abandoned their job, taken their children out of school, and travelled in zombie-like hoards to the various stores/malls across our holiday crazed nation, no matter the time of day. Today, and with no exaggeration (as Edward can attest to), I visited Tyson’s with my mother and younger sister (in HEELS, no less! What was I thinking?... Oh right, I wasn’t, that is correct.) The amount of automobile/people/stroller/shopping cart/mall security golfmobile/animal traffic that flooded the streets of Tyson’s Corner was alone enough to turn me from a happy-go-lucky Martha Stewart marshal of Christmas joy to a bitterly misanthropic and suspicious Scrooge. The amount of temple rubbing and expletive hurling that commenced between arriving at Tyson’s and finding a parking spot was pretty foreboding with regards to the state of affairs inside the actual mall. I was primitively pushed, I was brutally butted in front of, I was given deliberate dirty glances, and I all but died from the lack of goddamned oxygen in this enclosed shopping arena wherein the sheer amount of physical bodies was too plenty to allow the proper air flow in for all who walked the crowded thoroughfares.
This generally apocalyptic atmosphere carried over into the shopping venues of Frederick, Maryland tonight where I continued on shopping until 10:55pm. Every single store seemed to be rapt with rabidly roving shoppers who would stop at nothing to ensure they were getting the best deals, even if it meant stealing something from out of my momentarily unattended cart. Not to mention, most of the big-box retailers’ appearances are so ungodly unkempt by this point that it truly looks like a scene a la Stephen King’s mini-series, “The Stand”—every aisle appears to have been raped and pillaged by god-fearing citizens who bought up rolls of wrapping paper like they were bunker kits of water and batteries. I mean, really?
Basically, and without any rambling here, I’m just done. Actually, my tired feet are so beyond done, I need a new word for done at this point. I want to stay indoors, preferably by a fire and in pajamas (with slippers!), watching stream and reading while refusing all efforts of large-group socialization. I really, truly do not care if I never, ever, ever do any shopping again for the rest of all eternity… or at least until after New Year’s Day. Care to show some solidarity anyone?
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